life

Can We Talk About the Mental Load?

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Can we talk about the mental load?

This is not a new topic.

Women have been talking about this, in one form or another, for years.

  • Honey, do we have more diapers?
  • Sweetie, where are his clean outfits?
  • Hey, have you arranged the baby’s play date/doctor’s appointment/preschool visit yet?
  • And even worse, (substitute your name here), what are we having for dinner?

These questions make women grind their teeth, develop sudden headaches, and retreat to their bathrooms for a moment to calm down…when they don’t cause them to blow in frustration on the spot.

Mothers, especially working mothers, are feeling that they are carrying the bulk of the work of thinking ahead and anticipating their family’s needs as well as doing the actual work of making their households function.

In my parent groups and in my individual sessions with mothers, this comes up all the time.

A U.N. report defines the mental load as the invisible mental and emotional labor behind handling life’s never-ending to-do lists, including caring for others, managing a household, and delegating tasks. It’s the energy we spend thinking about and anticipating everyone’s needs.

Women tend to carry more of the mental load than men, even when they work and, surprisingly, even when they are the primary wage earners in the family.

The excuse men give for is their is their idea that the women in their lives are better multitaskers than they are. Men will often say that they are glad to be of help if only the women will tell them what to do. Of course, this is a catch-22, as delegating tasks is a central part of the mental load. Having to think of what someone else needs to do and to tell them in enough detail that they can understand how to get it done is exhausting in and of itself.

And this excuse does not hold up. Studies show that when fathers are the primary caretakers for children, there is no appreciable difference in the quality of care given to the children when compared with families where the mother is the primary caretaker (Jones et al., 2022). Men can do it, multitasking or not.

Leah Ruppanner, a professor of sociology at the University of Melbourne in Australia, and author of the book Drained, explains that there is not one form of mental load, but eight different types. While many men are definitely taking on more at home than in previous generations, women are still overwhelmingly burdened by this hidden work, which can often result in burnout. Rupanner lists the eight forms of mental load as: life organization, emotional support, relationship hygeine, magic making (establishing traditions and making magical moments for the family at holidays, birthdays, and other special times), dream building (helping family members get involved in what interests them, signing them up for sports and clubs and hobbies), individual upkeep (keeping healthy, eating well, presenting a good enough image to the outside world), safety, and meta-care (thinking about how the family is doing, what should change, and what can stay the same)

So, what can parents do to start to put an end to this mental load gender gap?

First of all, women have to give up a certain amount of control. When they tell their partner that they need them to do certain things, it can be hard, especially at first, to see these things done differently (read “not as well”). Many moms give up and decide to go back to doing these things themselves. But this is not a sustainable solution and inevitably results in further resentment and burnout. Accepting that some things will be done differently is important.

Another suggestion, coming from Leah Ruppanner, is that women stop thinking that it is their job to keep everyone in the family happy and stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings.

And UN Women suggests:

  • Toss out the gender stereotypes. Catch and question the assumptions you make about whose role it is to provide care, make plans, and manage responsibilities.
  • Make the invisible work visible and verbal. Talk openly in your family about what needs to get done and what goes into doing it.
  • Encourage children, including boys, to learn household tasks and care skills early.
  • Plan and discuss needs together.
  • Advocate for better caregiving policies with your employer. Talk to your boss and work through your union or human resources department for policies that support caregivers, including parental and family leave policies.
  • Use your vote during elections to support candidates who support more and better family leave policies and legislation supporting young children and families.

References

Jones, C., Foley, S., & Golombok, S. (2022). Parenting and child adjustment in families with primary caregiver fathers. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 406–415. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000915

Ruppanner, L. (2026). Drained: Reduce your mental load to do less and be more. Avery.

UN Women, Care work and the mental load, June 24, 2026. https://www.unwomen.org/en/articles/explainer/why-are-women-so-exhauste…

**Is Parenting Necessarily an Exercise in Exerting Authority?**

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ 1 Comment

Recently, a colleague wrote to me about one of my blog posts. In the post, I talked about the need for punishment and/or consequences when children or teens break a rule or behave in a way that the parents have told them not to. My colleague objected to my suggesting that punishment may be an option. He said, “I prefer consequences. Punishment for me evokes power.”

And this raised a question for me: is the parent-child relationship one in which there is an inherently unequal power dynamic?

In Childism: Confronting Prejudice Against Children, psychoanalyst and political theorist Elisabeth Young-Bruehl argued that the parent-child relationship features a profound, inescapable asymmetry of power that leaves a lifelong psychological trace on the child. Rather than treating the natural dependency of a child as a neutral state, she wrote that adults weaponize this power imbalance through a deep-seated, systemic prejudice she called “childism.” 

She went on to say that childism emerges from three basic sources:

  1. The desire for absolute control: some parents feel they own their child, which she felt can lead to harsh discipline and a wish to control the child and make them what the parent wants them to be rather than who they are.

2. Entitled superiority: this dynamic results from what Young Bruel called the unexamined assumption that adults are automatically more rational, credible and deserving of authority.

3. Erasure of agency: this imbalance results in the adult tendency to dismiss or pathologize children’s emotions and rights because of their age.

Clearly, all parents have a fantasy of who their unborn child will be – but only some are not able to separate out their own wishes from the reality of who their child turns out to be, once they are born. The parent who is unaware of their unconscious desires to “make” a child into a certain kind of person rather than allowing the child to emerge as who they are is at risk for exerting their power to shape their child, that is for using discipline for the wrong reasons and toward an unhealthy end.

Similarly, only some parents need absolute control, only some assume they are entitled to superiority over their children and only some erase their children’s agency in ways that are damaging. These parents are the ones who leave the indelible mark referred to by Young-Bruehl.

At the same time, all children do need guidance, structure, consistent expectations, and at times, discipline. Children are not born knowing how to contain and channel their impulses, and they often need help doing so.

Of course, we should not treat our children as extensions of ourselves or carriers of our own ambitions, nor should we assert our authority in harsh and punitive ways – but nor can we treat our children as complete equals at all times. There are moments – many moments – when raising children we have to assert our authority as parents to keep them from harming themselves or others, and when we need to guide them toward gradually containing, channeling, and taking more responsibility for their own impulses and behavior.

So, how do we do this?

Do we embrace our power in those moments or do we reject it as inherently unjust? Do we exert our authority over our children or do we refrain?

To address Young Bruehl’s work, it is important to note that she makes a distinction between adults who are “childist” and those who are not. Those adults who believe that their own needs and wishes always come first over their child’s are inherently childist. Those adults who feel it necessary to impose their own unmet needs and wishes onto their children, who insist that their children serve their needs and become who the parent wishes they had become or become a replica of the parent, are misusing their power and authority.

But this is not the case with all parents – and all power – and all authority.

In other words, authority and power in parenting, as in government, and in life in general, can be used for good or ill. To eschew parental authority entirely would be to throw the proverbial baby out with the proverbial bathwater.

When a child or teen does something they have been asked not to do, the parent needs to find a way to deal with this. Whether they do so with harsh discipline or gentle parenting – or something in between – is a matter of choice – which can be determined by the relative severity of the infraction, the personality of the child, the personality of the parent, and the parent’s parenting philosophy.

For example, a child who fools around over and over again just before bed may be given the consequence of having one less book read to them that night. Parents will find that even such minor consequences can elicit a big reaction in small children. They may cry and carry on for quite a while when given such a consequence. The child may feel that this is an unfair exercise of parental authority. But if a parent can hold firm and avoid the temptation to give in, the child can learn a valuable lesson – which is that they have parents who are trustworthy, able to set reasonable limits and, true to their word, will follow through on consequences that have been mentioned. The child learns that fooling around just before bed is not a good idea.

With more important infractions, for example, if a child hurts another family member on purpose, or if they do something which could be dangerous to themselves, this is the time when a more serious response from the parent is necessary. And in my opinion, it is the parent’s job, not an exercise in the unfair use of power, for the parent to help their child by imposing a consequence that is meaningful – and which we might label as punishment. It is the parent’s job to help their child to learn to stay safe and to treat others with decency, and in some cases, punishment for failing to do so may be the most impactful consequence.

Having parental power is an awesome responsibility. And, as Young-Bruehl made clear, parents must keep in mind that their use of their power may be a reflection of unconsious wishes. As such, parents are well advised to continually reflect on how they are disciplining their children and why – and to examine if perhaps they are acting on some less rational motivations rather than more consistently serving the well-being of their children.

But, interestingly, for those who want to share power with their children and teens on some occasions, there is a possible third option beyond parentally imposed consequences and punishment – and that is called “collaborative consequence setting”. Delany Rustin, a pediatrician, discussed this in a recent Screenagers blog post. She said that when an older child or teen misbehaves, the parent can try something new and ask the child what they think their consequence should be. She says that this increases the possibility that the child will actually think about why what they did was not OK. She also says that doing this supports children’s maturation, and can result in kids being less oppositional and more kind as people.

With collaborative consequence setting, kids have less of an opportunity to think that their consequence is unfair, since they have a part in setting the consequence, the parent becomes less of an authority and more of a collaborative partner, and both parent and child have an opportunity for dialogue rather than argument.

References

American Psychological Association. (2015, August 6). Punishing a child is effective if done correctly [Press release]. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2015/08/punishing-child

Ruston, D. (2026, April 21). When rules get broken, why letting kids weigh in on consequences works. Screenagers. https://www.screenagersmovie.com/blog/when-rules-get-broken

Young-Bruehl, E., (2012). Childism: Confronting prejudice against children. New Haven: Yale University Press

Has Gentle Parenting Gone Too Far?

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Parenting is an exhausting adventure under any circumstances. Most parents have to both work and keep up with childcare. But on top of this, there is also Gentle Parenting, and its close cousin, Positive Parenting*. Both of these child-rearing philosophies demand that a parent provide empathy at all times for a child’s feelings, put those feelings into words, and negotiate with the child regarding whether or not the child will do what the parent asks.

And, if you ask me, this is too much to expect from parents….and it is not helpful to children.

Both Gentle Parenting and Positive Parenting are outgrowths of something that started in the 1950’s with Dr. Benjamin Spock’s first book, The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care. Spock revolutionized parenting practices by urging mothers and fathers to trust their instincts and reject rigid, authoritarian rules.

Prior to Spock, parenting tended to be entirely top-down and authoritarian, with parents establishing rules and children being expected to follow them. Harsh punishment for infractions was common. My own mother, for example, born in 1912, had to sit in front of her meal until she ate it all. This sometimes lasted hours, and she was not allowed to get up from the table until she had done what was required.

Since my mother’s time, expectations of children have done a 180. Child-centered, or child-led parenting, has evolved, and here we are, immersed in Gentle Parenting. Children can do pretty much what they want, and parents are not to raise their voices or punish. They are left on their own to wonder how to get their children out the door in the morning or to get them to bed at night.

This subject was discussed in an article in The New York Times entitled, “Did American-Style ‘Gentle Parenting’ Spoil French Children?” The writer, Madeline Schwartz, reports on what she calls a vitriolic debate within French society about the extent to which children should be catered to and empathized with. She comments that each side of the debate has large groups of professionals behind it. And while this same debate exists in the United States, I would say that there are fewer professionals, and people in general, on the side of setting more limits for children.

In France, the center of the debate is psychologist Caroline Goldman, who advocates time-outs for children when they misbehave. She feels that the introduction of Gentle Parenting into French culture has yielded a new generation of parents who do not know how or when or why to set limits. In her book, Go To Your Room (currently only available in French), she lists behaviors that should be forbidden. These include complaining and making too much noise. But her detractors say that time-out is a form of psychological violence and that Goldman is encouraging parents to mistreat their children.

So what is a parent to do — whether in France or in the US — when even experts disagree?

As a psychologist and psychoanalyst with over forty years of experience, you will not be surprised to hear me say that the truth lies somewhere in the middle of the debate.

Prior to about 2015, the French were known for having well-behaved children. Pamela Druckerman’s book, Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, was a sensation, and many American parents envied the strict French parents she described who seemed to have the secret of how to bring up children while also having time to themselves. Since that time, French parents have begun to adopt Gentle Parenting, and they have also begun to experience the same problems American parents have.

So — how do we begin to sort out the issue of which kind of parenting is best for children and which works best for parents?

Let’s take a broad look at history: For thousands of years, adherence to rules and strict behavioral codes was a matter of survival for children around the globe. After all, if a child felt like running into the meadow when the lioness was hunting, that was the end of the child. Certain rules have existed over time to maintain the safety and survival of children.

Now we no longer live amongst wild animals and we have the luxury of allowing all sorts of behavior in our children wihout worrying they will be eaten. Parents also have the time, and often the inclination, to consider their children’s feelings, which of course, is important. The capacity to think about how our children feel, that is, to mentalize, is an important aspect of parenting.

But does considering how our our children feel translate into always catering to these feelings? Never telling them to do something they don’t want to do and never insisting they do it?

This is where Gentle Parenting goes wrong.

Starting in infancy, babies need parents to help them to navigate the world. They need parents to provide love, nurture and care. They need parents to soothe them when they are upset or tired, and they also need parents to be clear about what they should and should not do – for their own safety and to learn how to live within a family and a society of other people.

When an eight-month-old bites on the electrical cord leading to a lamp, the parent says “NO!”, picks the baby up, and takes them away. When the two-year-old hits his sister, the parent says, “We do not hit” and, if necessary, picks him up and takes him away. When the three-year-old runs toward the street, the parent says, “NO. You must wait for me before going close to the street”. Rules and clear expectations are needed throughout infancy and childhood. They are needed to help the infant and the child to tame their own impulses. Toddlers and young children internalize these rules and gradually learn how to restrain themselves from doing purely what gives them pleasure.

Yes, of course, it is also important to talk about feelings, to help children name them and understand them. We can say, “You felt angry because your sister took your truck, so you hit her” but we must also say. “And hitting is not OK. It hurts your sister”. And if the toddler or the young child persists, we must have a consequence at the ready. We can hold the child’s hands so he cannot hit, or we can pick the child up and say, “Since you kept hitting, you cannot play with your sister right now” – but the expectation AND the consequence should be clear.

Punishment has become a dirty word. Neither Gentle Parenting nor Positive Parenting philosophies endorse punishment. But we need to acknowledge that children must learn what behaviors are acceptable and which are not, and talking alone doesn’t always get the job done. Children will need consequences and even small punishments in order to really learn that they are not to do certain things. They may even need to be just a little afraid of these consequences and small punishments.

This is an unpopular and perhaps old-fashioned sounding idea, but the fact is that we live within the hierarchy of society in which there are certain expectations, and the place your child learns about such hierarchies starts at home. You are the parent, and it is OK for your child to understand that you make the rules and that there will be consistent consequences if they break the rules. If we want our children to be prepared for the teachers, coaches and bosses of their futures, we must teach them how to control themselves and follow instructions while they are growing up.


*Positive parenting is an approach that focuses on building a strong, nurturing parent-child relationship rather than relying on punishment.

References

Druckerman, P. (2012). Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

Schwartz, M. “Did American-Style ‘Gentle Parenting’ Spoil French Children?”, NYT, 7/13/26 https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/29/magazine/american-parenting-french-c…

Spock, B. (1946). The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care.

The Most Amazing Thing She Had Ever Seen

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By Tejal Toprani

Tejal is a social worker, therapist and mom living in Arizona.

I recently recommended the book The Amazing Generation to my ten-year-old son, Avyaan. Surprisingly, he took it to school. And finished it in one day. This does make sense, however as his school limits “technology” to a basic computer skills class three times a week, and he has plenty of time to read there. And he actually forgets to charge or even wear the communication watch we got him for drop-offs and events.

Which honestly says two things:

  1. The book is incredibly readable.
  2. My child is not yet screen addicted
  3. And my child may already be concerned about the collapse of civilization.

And so am I: A few months ago, I went to a supper club where guests played one of those “get to know you” icebreaker games. You walk around with a sheet of questions, trying to make meaningful human connection while balancing a cocktail and pretending this doesn’t feel like corporate team-building with better lighting.

One of the questions was:
“What is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”

I asked this of a woman in her seventies. Now, from what I later learned about her, she had lived:

She had traveled extensively.
Raised a family.
Spent time with adult children and grandchildren.
Ran a thriving family-owned restaurant.
Built a career outside the home.
Experienced actual life in all its messy, textured, analog glory.

But do you know what she told me the most amazing thing she had ever seen was?  “A Facebook video.” The most amazing thing she had ever seen was a Facebook video –

Not childbirth.
Not Paris.
Not falling in love.
Not watching her children grow up.

A Facebook video. The video involved a woman getting pulled over by the police for holding her phone while driving. The twist — and apparently the hook — was that the woman did not actually have a right hand. The woman at my table leaned in while telling me this story. There was going to be a “trial,” apparently, because both sides insisted their version of events was true. 

She was riveted. I smiled politely and said, “Wow, that’s crazy.” But internally? I was haunted.

Because this woman had lived a full human life, and somehow the most amazing thing she could think of was content specifically engineered to keep her watching. Not living. Watching other people live. And I say this without judgment because honestly? We are all vulnerable to it.

I fall into that strange microgeneration sometimes called Xennials — old enough to remember life before smartphones, but young enough to have fully merged with technology like reluctant cyborgs.

We remember:

  • house phones
  • getting lost without GPS
  • boredom
  • waiting
  • silence
  • not being reachable every second of the day

Our children do not. For them, technology is not an invention. It’s oxygen.

And that’s why I gave my son the book. And it’s also what makes The Amazing Generation feel less like a parenting book and more like a cultural intervention. The author, Jonathan Haidt, argues that we accidentally traded a “play-based childhood” for a “phone-based childhood.” And once you see this, you cannot unsee it. 

Kids are safer physically than ever before. But emotionally? Many are struggling more than ever. Anxious. Lonely. Disconnected. Chronically stimulated but somehow undernourished. As a therapist and a parent, I see this constantly.

Children are losing opportunities to:

  • tolerate discomfort
  • navigate conflict independently
  • develop confidence through real-world experiences
  • experience boredom without immediately anesthetizing it

And adults are not immune either. We are all being trained, little by little, to confuse stimulation with meaning. To confuse consuming with connecting. To confuse watching life with living it. The thing is, if you ask people about their favorite memories, almost nobody says:

“Honestly? Probably that seven-hour scroll session I had in 2023.”

They talk about:

  • road trips
  • summers
  • inside jokes
  • heartbreak
  • friendships
  • sports teams
  • campfires
  • college roommates
  • babies
  • terrible apartments
  • laughter so hard you couldn’t breathe

Real life.

The uncurated kind. And this is where I think parenting gets complicated. Because we are raising children inside an environment that even we do not fully understand yet. We hand kids devices because everyone else has them. Because we’re tired. Because we need to make dinner. Because modern parenting is exhausting and relentless and occasionally you just need someone to watch YouTube so you can send one coherent email.

I get it. But I also think many of us feel a quiet unease. Like maybe something sacred is being slowly traded away. Not dramatically. Not all at once. Just one scroll at a time. One less conversation. One less bike ride. One less moment of boredom that could have turned into imagination. One less fully lived day.

I’m not anti-technology. I use it constantly. I am literally writing this on a computer while probably ignoring three texts and an unread email from Costco. But I do think we need to ask ourselves harder questions about what kind of childhood we are protecting. And what kind of adulthood are we drifting toward? Because I don’t want the most amazing thing my children ever see to be content optimized for engagement.

I want it to be their actual lives.

The Amazing Generation makes a compelling case that our society has shifted from a “play-based childhood” to a “phone-based childhood” and as a result, has directly contributed to the rising rates of anxiety and loneliness in children. As both a therapist and a parent, I felt it was vital for my ten-year-old son, Avyaan, to read this book; I wanted him to understand that good memories are made through living in the present, off-screen, and true resilience and emotional strength aren’t found in a digital interface, but are built through the messy, unpredictable experiences of the real world.

The most powerful outcome of his reading the book, however, wasn’t just his understanding of the theory, but his immediate application of it: he asked to play a board game together as a family when he came home from school the day I gave him the book. This was a small, uncurated moment—a simple step back into the “oxygen” of real life that the book advocates for, one that gave him deep, quiet contentment and a sense of happiness with himself, who he is, and who we are as a family – even while surrounded by peers with greater tech access.

Bedtime is a Mess!

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ 1 Comment
little bored boy in bed at night hiding under blanket, staring at glowing smartphone screen. Digital addiction, excessive screen time, and late-night gadget overuse.

In many, if not most American homes, bedtime is a mess right now. Many children won’t go to sleep without a parent in the room, they call for their parents a million times, get out of bed over and over, come to sleep in their parents’ bed in the middle of the night, or start out there and never leave. Parents are exhausted, and they get little or no evening time to themselves.

Why is this, and what can we do about it?

Well, there is obviously not one answer that fits every family and every situation, but one thing has occurred to me. And that is, that in this age of Gentle Parenting, parents are often shying away from insisting that their children go to bed and stay there. They are finding it difficult to be firm about this. They are having trouble raising their voices, if needed, to make sure their child knows it is time to go to sleep, and this is non-negotiable.

While parents may not say they ascribe to Gentle Parenting, it is part of the zeitgeist nonetheless. It is everywhere. And, as a result, it has gone out of style to insist that children do certain things in a certain way, and to be stern about it.

Let me be frank. My father loved me—but I was afraid of him. And this was true for many children of my generation. We didn’t go to bed or do our homework because we wanted to. We did the things we had to do because we knew we had to do them and we were afraid of the consequences—which were usually unnamed—if we didn’t.

Do I advise making your child afraid of you?

Well, not exactly.

You don’t want your child to be afraid of you….but you do want your children to know there are limits and to know that you, as their parent, will enforce these limits immediately when needed.

You don’t want your child to be afraid of you – but you also need to accept that you do not need to be your child’s friend, or playmate. You need to be their parent, to take care of them and to help them feel safe.

And this is what being firm, and setting consistent limits, including those around bedtime, does.

But, again, this kind of parenting has gone out of fashion entirely.

Does this have to do with the fact that we are in an age of authoritarian governments? Are parents so put off by what is happening in our country and in the world that they implement the opposite form of home governance?

Well, that I’m not sure of—but I do see that it is hard for parents to be authorities with their own children at this point in time. Maybe when they are angry, some parents are able to do this—but what about when they are not yet angry?

What I see is a great deal of reasoning with children, trying to convince children to do what is good for them, etc. And with most children, especially young children, this just doesn’t work. Children don’t go to bed because they learn they need sleep and understand that it is healthy for them. They go to bed because they have to. And often, they don’t like it. Bedtime means an end to fun. It means an end to playing. It means separation from their parents and separation from the activities of the day. It means feeling alone. And sometimes it means lying awake for a while. None of this is pleasant. That is why parents need to be firm about it.

Additionally, providing the structure of a particular bedtime and bedtime ritual is helpful for children. Most young children need this. They like routine, and they are helped by a schedule. They need to know what to expect and what is expected of them.

As a parent, I was not always good at being firm. But fortunately for me, my son’s father was very good at it, especially around bedtime. My son had a bath every night, three books and three songs—and that was it.

Of course, he tried to push the limits. Of course, he tried to prolong the conversations before bed. But firmness helped.

Sometimes it is just time to say goodnight—and mean it.

Was this easy?

It was not.

For a solid year, when my son was two and a half, he got out of his crib in the middle of the night and came to our room. And for a solid year, I took him by the hand, walked him back to bed, and lay on the couch in his room for a half hour to make sure he didn’t escape again.

Was I tired?

Yes, I was. And this made it hard to go to work the next day.

And here is another problem: Most parents work and cannot afford to be too tired. This may lead some parents to allow kids to sleep in their bed or to do other things at bedtime and at night that are less than optimal. Parents feel they cannot afford to put bedtime rules into operation if it leads to meltdowns at night.

But my advice is this:

  1. Decide with your partner whether you are ready and committed to setting firm limits around bedtime.
  2. When you are ready, implement your plan.
  3. Start by telling your child that tonight he will go up to bed at ___(insert time you’ve decided), you will give him a bath, you will read him three books and then you will sing him three songs. Then you expect him to sleep (substitute here whatever ritual you’ve decided on).
  4. Decide on a bedtime ritual that works for your family. It could be bath and books and songs as described, or it could be something different—but whatever you decide it is, make sure it does not involve any screen time whatsoever, and do it every night.
  5. Be firm. Use a stern tone of voice. Try to forget about Gentle Parenting for this part of your day. Do not be afraid to be the authority. Don’t even be afraid to raise your voice.
  6. Remind your child of the routine and the expectations each evening for at least the first three or four nights that you start this.
  7. Be consistent.
  8. Be prepared for pushback. But do not let it deter you.
  9. And even if it takes a year of walking your child back to bed, don’t give up.

Parents need a few hours of time to themselves in the evenings. But if you don’t institute a bedtime, if you are not firm and even stern about bedtime, if you do not keep at it, your child’s bedtime will run into your bedtime, and then you will have absolutely no time between work and childcare for your own well-needed and well-deserved adult time.

Winners aren’t people who don’t lose, they are people who keep trying: a personal essay

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

When I was a child I never won anything. I mean never. I went to an academically competitive school and while I suppose I was smart, evidently I wasn’t smart enough to win any awards.

This was in an era, long ago, when it had not yet come into vogue to tell children they were doing a good job. My school was big on telling children they were not trying hard enough.

Often, my parents were told that I was not living up to my potential. And once, my mother was told that I always sat in the back row – and this was in a classroom that only had two rows. This kind of feedback was crushing to my self-esteem, not to mention other aspects of my self-confidence. 

It made me feel badly about myself. And you could easily think that this was destructive. However, what actually happened is that it made me mad, really, really mad. And I decided to show them. In high school, I got interested in psychology and in theories of education. I decided I could understand and help children in a way that I had not felt helped or understood. I went to a college that was as different from my high school as possible. It was a wonderful antidote. And then it went bankrupt. I had to find another college. And then I had to convince that new college to accept the credits from my beloved and highly non-traditional, now defunct, former school. Then I decided to go to graduate school to get a doctorate, something the director of studies at my high school would not have predicted. I didn’t succeed the first year. I didn’t succeed the second year. I had to try three years running to get into a program I wanted to go to.

If I wasn’t as “smart” as the kids who had won the awards early in my school career, at least I had perseverance. 

And then, at a time when psychologists were not allowed to enter clinical psychoanalytic training at most institutes, I decided I wanted to become a psychoanalyst. Of course. 

I say all this for a purpose. Telling kids they are doing a good job is now in fashion. Shielding children from criticism, protecting them from failure and helping them to feel they have succeeded is something parents routinely do. But it is important to keep in mind that motivation and drive do not necessarily come from a lifetime of success. And success is not defined by always succeeding, or by a life lived without suffering.

Henri Parens, a child psychoanalyst and Holocaust survivor, revamped the psychoanalytic theory of aggression. He wrote that aggression comes from an overabundance of frustration. But he also said that there are two kinds of aggression: hostile, destructive and non-hostile, non-destructive. And, it turns out that this latter type of aggression is what motivates us to move forward in life. We need SOME aggression to motivate us. And we need SOME frustration, in addition to our inborn, natural aggressive impulses, to generate that motivation.

So, frustration is necessary for children. Some frustration can lead to a feeling of wanting to do better next time. Shielding children from experiences of frustration and even occasional failure is not beneficial. And telling kids that they have done a good job when they actually have not is not helpful. Kids need to feel motivated by not doing well sometimes and the frustration that comes from that in order to want to try again and try harder.

If you have any doubt about this, read Ernst Papanek’s Out ofthe Fire about the hundreds of children he housed and educated during the early days of World War II in France. These children were separated from their families; some walked across Europe, some went from hiding to hiding until they reached one of Papanek’s homes for children. And what did those who survived become? They became lawyers and doctors and writers and professors. 

Winners are not people who do not lose – or suffer – they are people who keep trying.

Holiday Re-Do

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Now that the holidays are over, it’s time to start thinking about…the holidays. 

Next year.

How do you want to do it differently? What didn’t work? What do you WANT your holidays to look like from here on out?

These are the things many of the young parents in my practice and in my parenting groups are talking about.

The first topic was presents. So many of the parents felt that their way of doing presents wasn’t working. Their children were disappointed, or overwhelmed or both. One mother described it this way: “everybody opened everything all at once. It was chaos…and I had a headache.”

The second topic was relatives: when they came, how long they stayed and how many presents they gave. One mother with three small children had tried to control the overwhelm by having everyone come to her house instead of having to travel. That too was chaos.

So what’s a parent to do?

Perhaps now is the time to sit down with your partner and talk about how you want the holidays to look next year – and to start to prepare family members for any changes you intend to make.

One mother in our group who has older children said she wanted Christmas Eve and Christmas morning just for her own nuclear family. But she was afraid to tell her parents and her in-laws for fear of causing hurt feelings. 

Another mother talked about how “bratty” her children were around gifts. She had not wanted them to expect a gift every night of Hannuka, but when there was a night without gifts, her kids whined and complained. 

The discussions we had around these issues were really fruitful. The mother with three children told everyone that after numerous years of overwhelming holidays, she finally told her relatives that her family would celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas morning on their own and that she would then have an open house on Christmas afternoon….and to her surprise, everyone was fine with it. 

And as for presents? We discussed how important it is to tell children ahead of time what to expect in regard to presents. If you decide you are just going to give each of your children one big gift for the holidays and you are going to let the relatives give the other gifts, tell your children well in advance. If you are going to give a gift every other night of Hannuka, tell your children ahead of time and let them know which nights will be the present nights. You may also want to talk about other things, for example, the meaning of the holiday, and for that matter, the meaning of gifts. You might want to emphasize the good feeling derived from giving, the importance of generosity, the importance of the children giving as well as receiving, and the importance of graciousness when receiving a gift. Your children may not be able to quell their disappointment when they don’t get what they want or when they don’t get as much as they want, but the topics of meaning, gratitude, generosity and graciousness can be discussed repeatedly over the years.

And as for the other disappointments of the holidays? Well, one mother told us her solution: radical acceptance. She said she assumes there will be some disappointment around presents and she also assumes someone – or several people – will get sick over the holidays….and she just accepts it.

Chateau Mom and Dad: Is your college aged kid coming home for the holidays?

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Have you seen “Chateau Mom and Dad”? 

It’s very funny. 

And for those who haven’t seen it, it’s a meme of a Mom offering concierge services to her teen returning home from college. She asks whether they would like valet service (ie Dad bringing in their baggage from the car)? Meal service? (OK, you don’t know when you’ll be here? We’ll just set a place in case…). Oat milk or regular? Full laundry service? You get the idea. 

It’s funny because it’s terrifyingly close to the truth. So many parents provide so much for their college-aged kids when they come home for the holidays….and then end up feeling used, deprived of appreciation, and angry. 

Humor, of course, is one way to vent.

But guess what? Being more direct with your college-aged kids is also a way to respond to their expectations for laundry, meal and cleaning services.

Adolescence is a complicated time of life. Your teen wants independence and autonomy – and at the same time, they can enjoy falling back into the old patterns of dependence. They can enjoy being fed and taken care of. 

And yes, we are so happy to see them that we are glad to do some of that cartaking. But perhaps we also need to appreciate the skills they’ve gained while away and ask them to draw upon them while home.  They have had to make new friends. They know how – or are learning how – to suss out other people’s needs and wants. And you, as a parent, can expect them to put some effort into recognizing you as an individual with your own needs and wants.

This year, how about talking to your college kids about your own feelings about the holidays and how you would like them to go? How about talking about what you would like from them? Could you even discuss what you’re going to do over the holidays together, when you expect to see them and how you expect them to participate? And what about raising your expectations just a little? Could your kids make sure to have gifts to give everyone? Could they help make the holiday dinner? Contribute a dish? Go grocery shopping with you? Bring in the wood for the fire or take their younger siblings on a fun outing? And maybe, just maybe…could they do their own laundry?

It’s worth thinking about.

Does Your Kid Need a Luxurious Dorm Room?

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Photo by Alethea Jay

Evidently there is a TikToc trend where people post photos of luxe dorm rooms. 

And evidently kids heading off to college soon see these and want them.

Or, some kids do.

According to The Washington Post, some almost college-students are having their dorm rooms wallpapered, they are getting luxury linens, bed skirts, curtains and framed wall art. And, once they arrive at college, their parents are spending hours putting these rooms together.

Some families are even creating registries so that friends and relatives can give luxury items for the dorm room in advance.

What happened to posters put up with tape and sheets and a comforter you didn’t have to worry about?

Or, for my generation, an old camp blanket, the worst sheets in the house and a trunk for the rest of your stuff?

Not anymore.

Some parents are spending $5 -10,000.

So, I wonder…what does this trend mean?

What is it kids are looking for when they insist on outfitting their rooms this way?

And how do the kids who can’t afford these luxuries feel when they see these rooms? 

This leads to a related question:

What are kids and parents trying to accomplish with these rooms?

One designer suggested that custom outfitted rooms would be cozier and prevent homesickness. 

Let’s reflect. The idea that the nicer the dorm room is, the less a teen will miss home is interesting. Is what kids miss when they go to college the comfort of home, or even the luxury of home (when they come from luxurious homes)? Well, perhaps this is some of what they miss. 

But also, homesickness is part of the college experience. It is part of the point of college. At 17 or 18, at least in our culture, many kids leave home in order to go to college to continue their education – but also to continue the separation-individuation process. They go to college to learn more about how to be independent, to broaden their persepectives, to figure out what they think and what they want for their own lives. 

Being homesick is part of leaving. It is part of separating. Missing what was is a necessary part of creating a self that is different from the former self. Missing parents and comforts and familiar friends is a part of mourning the life of childhood.

So, parents, when you send your child off to college, or when you take them to college, think about what message you are sending: if you move everything in for them, if you supply them with lots of new stuff for their dorm room, even lots of luxurious stuff – what are you communicating? Might you be telling them you don’t think they came make the move on their own? Might you be telling them they don’t REALLY have to leave home? Might you be communicating that they can just take home with them? Might you be telling them that they still need you and what you can provide?

Of course, in some ways, your kids DO still need you when they go to college. But you want to encourage them to not need you in all the ways they used to when they were younger. You want to communicate that you have faith in their abilities – even if they don’t have that faith yet.

And remember to check your own feelings as you make those pre-college purchases. Are you giving in to too many requests out of your own feeling of sadness at their going? Or your own anxiety about their going? Or your own fear regarding their ability to separate successfully? Or might you be feeling guilty because you are looking forward to a little more peace and quiet?

Think about it.

For more:

The Over-the-top World of Dorm Decorating, Jenny Singer, The Washington Post, Aug. 19, 2025.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/home/2025/08/19/luxury-dorm-decorating/?utm_campaign=wp_post_most&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&carta-url=https%3A%2F%2Fs2.washingtonpost.com%2Fcar-ln-tr%2F443dc6d%2F68a4a32985d30e1ccc076beb%2F63caa51aa2ddf36a686dd4c3%2F14%2F66%2F68a4a32985d30e1ccc076beb

The Oldest Sister Syndrome

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

We all know—or had—an older or oldest sister, or we are one, or we have a child who is one, and we know what that looks like: bossy, rule-bound, impatient, controlling, perfectionistic, stubborn, a general know-it-all who needs to be right.

These people can be annoying, even infuriating.

And to be one can be painful.

The oldest sister who tries to control her younger siblings, and then later in life, tries to control others, can be difficult to be around. No one really wants to be bossed, controlled, or to be told they’re wrong. And the superior attitude? Not fun.

At the same time, it is important to remember that the oldest sister may be suffering. She can experience a great deal of internal pressure feeling that she has to be “good,” or that she has to go by the rules and be helpful—and she may feel these are her only ways to get approval.

These traits may be annoying to others but at the same time it is also true that being an older or oldest sister may bring with it some positive attributes. Often oldest sisters have real leadership ability, a strong drive for success, a heightened sense of justice and fairness, and they may be both responsible and conscientious

These are generalities – and one may well wonder: are they true? Does being the oldest girl in the family actually lead to developing these characteristics? Is this a real thing? Is it an actual diagnosis? And has it been written about in the professional mental health literature?

Well, there is no diagnosis called “Oldest Sister Syndrome,” but it has been written about.

Alfred Adler wrote about birth order as long ago as the early 1920s. He believed that social influences were the main determinants of personality and said that children are significantly influenced by their position in the birth order of the family. He believed that a child’s position could affect their perception of themselves and their interactions in the world.

Interestingly, Adler’s own life story may have contributed to his theory. He had been a sickly child who suffered from rickets, while his older brother (the oldest child in a family with seven children) was healthy. Adler recalled an early memory of watching his older brother capering on the beach with ease and feeling intensely jealous of him, inferior to him physically, and rivalrous with him.

Adler later went on to write about the characteristics of each birth order position. He said that the oldest child initially receives all of the parental attention, and then feels “dethroned” when the second child is born, forced to share their parents’ attention with the new baby, and resultingly feeling resentment and hostility toward the younger child – and any that come along subsequently.

Others have written about eldest-daughter syndrome as well. One article described how eldest girls often feel angry about about being asked to help with younger siblings, and how some even say that their childhoods were stolen from them as a result of the added burden of helping to care for the younger children. Sharing is often hard for them. They are prone to feeling that they have gotten less, or that they have been cheated. They often feel that the younger children in the family get “more” than they do. Competition can become a lifelong theme, with oldest daughters repeatedly needing to “win” or achieve in order to get the praise they feel they need. This may repeat a childhood pattern where they either sought or actually received praise for helping out or being more mature than their younger siblings.

And what’s more, oldest girls, and oldest children in general, are raised by parents who are less experienced than subsequent children. Often first time parents are not as aware of how to manage an infant as they are with their second and third babies. Moreover, first-time parents can be quite anxious. They worry about how they are going to keep this baby alive, having never done so before. And they worry about each and every little thing that happens with this, their first baby. The anxiety and the attention to all the details of their baby’s development can lead the baby to feel anxious themselves and they may grow to expect attention to their every ache and pain – so that later loss of such attention can feel especially jarring. And because of the added scrutiny, oldest children can also feel especially judged – which then leads to a feeling of needing to do things the “right” way.

You may recognize these characteristics if you are an oldest sister, or if you had one. And if you are the parent to one, here are some things you can do to help:

  • Make a point of being aware of who your oldest daughter is as a person, not just as your helper. Make sure you tell her what you like about her as an individual. Let her know that you see and appreciate her, not just for the help she gives you or for the things she does. You do not want her to feel that her ability to help is the one good thing about her and you do not want her identity to become just that of a “helper”. If she is artistic, notice this and comment on her work in a positive way. If she likes to read, notice this and comment on how much you like this about her. Keep the comments about her as an individual going through her teen years.
  • This does not mean you should refrain from asking her to help you. Having children help out at home is a part of daily life—and it is a good part. They learn that things are expected of them and that they can make meaningful contributions to family life. But when your daughter helps you, acknowledge this and thank her.
  • Encourage positive interactions between your daughter and her siblings. Praise her if she is loving or playful with her sibs. And if she tends to be negative with them, show her how to be nice. No lectures—just model for her how to be kind to them and notice when she does so.
  • Occasionally, do something alone with your oldest daughter. You do not have to call this “special” time, just make a point of doing it now and then and telling her how much you enjoy spending time just with her.
  • Occasionally bring up recollections of what it was like when she was your only baby.
  • An oldest girl can feel preempted by her siblings. She can feel that life is unfair and that the younger ones get more than she does. Remind her that when she was a baby, you did all the same things for her that you are doing for your younger children. Tell her stories about what it was like when she was a baby and what you used to do for and with her.
  • And, perhaps most importantly, talk to your daughter about her feelings – not in a punitive way, but in an understanding way. If you notice her being mean to her younger siblings or being particularly competitive with them, take her aside and talk to her about how hard it can be to be an oldest child, and how infuriating her siblings can be for her. If you were in that position or if you know others who were, tell her a story about the feelings that can be involved. Help her to understand her own feelings and help her to work on them.

And good luck with helping your oldest girl. It’s sometimes not easy being an older sister!