Mothers

Trickle Down Anxiety

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By Dr. Corinne Masur

There is a theory in economics which says that benefits for the wealthy trickle down to everyone else. Whether you agree with this or not, don’t worry, because I am not going to be talking about economics here.

What I am going to talk about is the idea that one mother brought up in our parents’ group today. 

She said that she thought her daughter was affected by a term she invented: “trickle down anxiety”. 

And what she meant is that she thinks her own anxiety and that of her husband are affecting their daughter – and possibly even their infant son.

Just an hour earlier she had been talking about how unsafe the world feels right now with the wars and with the divisiveness in this country, including – especially – on several of our nearby campuses here in Philadelphia where there have been demonstrations and evidence of hate speech over the last several days. 

Another mother brought up how all of us lost our sense of safety during Covid and how now that we might just be getting back on our feet, we are facing new sources of anxiety – and even danger.

What are parents to do?

These ARE anxious times.

Well, there is no perfect answer to this question. 

But there ARE some things that could be helpful:

– First, just check in with yourself: Are you feeling anxious? Are you worried about the war in Israel and Gaza? Or the one in the Ukraine? Are you worried about the political situation in this country? Or the safety of your neighborhood? Are you worried about your child’s safety and well-being? Does this hit you in ways that overwhelm you? And is this beyond how you imagined you would feel as a parent? 

– Second, if you find that you ARE feeling anxious, take note of how this affects you: Does it make you more irritable? Does it make it hard for you to get to sleep or stay asleep at night? Are you interacting with your children or partner in a way that demonstrates your anxiety and/or irritability and/or tiredness? Are you getting in more arguments? Are you finding yourself disagreeing over small things? Or are you showing that you are anxious in other ways – do you look worried? Are you eating less? Or more? Are you checking your newsfeed more frequently than you used to? 

For most of us, the answers to some or even all of these questions is probably yes.

And if this is the case, acknowledge it: acknowledge it with yourself and then acknowledge this with you partner and children.

Even young children, three or over, can understand it if you say, “Mommy/Daddy has been more worried (or more tired) today, I’m sorry I was cranky with you”.

– Third, ask yourself whether your children are more anxious these days. Do you think they could be experiencing your anxiety and then feeling anxious themselves? Are they having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Are they more irritable than usual? Are they asking you any questions about whether you’re OK?

And finally, is there anything to do about all this?

Let’s me ask just a few more questions:

What do you need for YOUR anxiety? 

Because if you can get what you need, there might be less trickle down from you to your children.

Do you need more support from your partner or friends? Do you need a place to talk about your anxiety? Would talking for a bit after the children go to sleep (whether with your partner or with someone on the phone) help? Or might you consider cutting back on the amount of news you consume? Do you need to protect yourself from the media onslaught more than you are currently doing? Or does all of this sound insufficient and might you need to consult with a professional about your anxiety?

Think about it.

Our anxiety DOES affect our children. They feel it. It DOES trickle down And when the trickle reaches them they feel more anxious without even knowing why.

Once you have gotten some of your anxiety taken care of, talk to your children about how you’ve been feeling. See if they volunteer anything about how they’ve been feeling. Reassure them that even when you have worries, they are safe. 

Repeat this as often as necessary. 

The world is scary right now. But we can do some things to help ourselves and to reassure our children.

What Does It Mean To Truly “See” Your Child?

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Recently I read an article about Adam Phillips, the wonderful British child psychoanalyst. In it he was quoted as saying, “There’s nothing to you until someone sees something in you.” 

At first I wondered, is this really true?  Don’t we know ourselves and know what we are capable of even without someone else noticing?  And then I remembered my developmental training.  In studying child development, I learned that it was eye contact with the parent that helps the infant to settle down when agitated or frightened and it is through eye contact with the parent that infants learn social regulation. In fact, the greater the amount of parent-infant eye contact, the better the social regulation of the infant. 

So, quite literally, from the very beginning babies need to be looked at by the parents.

I also remembered that later in development, at ages two and three and four, the greater the ability of the parent to “see” and to admire their child, the more likely it is that the child will feel worthwhile and known. The child of this age who feels admired and valued by the parent will incorporate these feelings into their own sense of themselves as admirable and valuable. This is the basis for self-confidence.  

All two and three-year-olds will say, “Look at me!” and what they need is for the parent to see who they are and what they are doing – and then to express admiration.  Children of all ages want to know that they are noticed, that they are valued and that their particular abilities are appreciated.

Thinking about this raised the question of what exactly it means to “see” your child and to let your child know that they have been seen.

And I remembered a family I saw in my practice many years ago.  The father was a self-made man, the first boy in his extended family to go to college and the only one to ever go on for an advanced degree in medicine.  When he had his own four children, he wanted the same success for them that he had had.  He valued education and he wanted his children to do well academically.  Of his four children, it was clear that his two favorites were the two who were most academically inclined.  One of the others showed signs early on of being artistic.  She loved dance and painting from her earliest years. While her father was loving and well meaning, he did not understand her. He projected onto all of his children his own wishes and values.  What had made him successful is what he wanted for them.  As a result, his artistic daughter felt misunderstood and “unseen”.  She did not feel valued by her father and while talented, she eventually lost faith in her own artistic ability.  She became an angry and unhappy teenager.  She was furious with her father, although she did not exactly know why, and she had very little confidence in herself.

This father wanted his daughter to be like himself.  He was not able to love and appreciate her as a different sort of person.  Of course, his desires for his children came from a loving place; he wanted his children to be successful in life.  But unbeknownst to him, in not being able to value his daughter’s unique talents, he contributed to her lack of confidence in herself.

So one important element in “seeing” our children is to be able to see them for who they are, not for who we want them to be, to value their unique character traits and abilities, and to reflect our appreciation of them – just as they are – back to them.

But how do we do this?

It occurs to me that there is no one simple answer to this question – but there are some starting points.  

First of all, to be truly “seen” children need to feel that they are understood.  Every child needs to feel that their parents know what they like and what they don’t like, what is easy for them and what is hard, when they are making an effort and really trying and when they are not.  And every child needs their parents to be able to be with them for prolonged periods of time and accept their interests and their way of being.  This is related to something talked about all the time these days – being “present”.  

Being present with a young infant, a toddler or a young child means just being there with them as they do what they are doing. It means being able to hold back on our own projections and agendas and just to be.  Is your baby lifting up his head during tummy time?  Can you take joy in this moment with him in his effort? Is your two-year-old collecting rocks?  Can you be with her and collect some too rather than hurrying her along or telling her to drop them because they’re dirty? Is your four-year-old drawing a three-armed man?  And are you able to comment on how interesting this is rather than saying “but people have only two arms?”

To allow our children to “see” something in themselves, to feel confident at least some of the time, and to move forward in development, we must first be able to “see” them clearly and be able to love and admire what we see. Secondly, we need to be able to be present with them as they are and to put into affectionate gestures and words how much we admire them.

This is the beginning of what we need to do to truly see our children and to allow them to become people who see something valuable in themselves.

And while we’re at it, we all need to try to expend some effort on “seeing” our partners and our friends as well.  We need to acknowledge more often that we appreciate their unique selves and that we value their efforts. Just saying, “You are such a good cook and you made a great dinner tonight even though you were exhausted” or “Thanks for making the effort to call/text/email” will go a long way.  

After all, we ALL need to know that we have been seen.

Reflections On A Hard Year, Part 5: A Mother Reflects On Her Own Sorrow

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The hardest part of the pandemic for me has been tolerating the deep sorrow that accompanies illness and mortality while simultaneously protecting my children from this very feeling within myself. 

Although I am one of the lucky parents – I did not contract COVID and was vaccinated in early 2020 – there was illness and death all around me.  The first months of the pandemic were hard — my uncle, who I grew up adoring (and feeling adored by) died suddenly from COVID. I remember one day in early April 2020 my mother called to tell me that he was feeling ill.  Three days later he died in a nearby hospital.  Luckily, his doctor was a family friend and allowed my aunt (his wife of fifty-five years) to be by his side as he took his last labored breath. 

My heart felt broken.  

Days later my family gathered on Zoom for his funeral and shiva.  I sat in my own home, on our family couch. I was surrounded by my husband and my two boys, my youngest, sitting on my lap, wrapping his little fingers inside my palm.  And, even though there were familiar faces and voices on my screen – my cousins, aunts, parents, and sibling – I felt very alone in my grief. So many parts of these rituals were missing – hugs with my family, communal vibrations of song that soothe when many voices join together in a single space, and of course, the presence of my family elders ushering us (the younger generation) through loss.  

All of a sudden everything and everyone around me felt fragile and I could no longer take anything for granted.  I stayed awake at night wondering how I would raise our two young boys if my husband (a physician who treated COVID patients) became ill and died? And what would happen to my dear boys if I died?

Without a government that took the pandemic seriously, how would I keep my boys safe even if I did manage to survive? And, in my most terrifying moments, the only thing I could think about was how George Floyd’s last words spoke every boy’s deepest source of security – “mama.”  

It is misleading to say that the pandemic is solely responsible for the slow tear that pervaded my veil of security. In the months prior to the emergence of COVID in the US, my life had already been uprooted by illness. In fact, I spent most of the fall of 2019 caring for important people in my life who were ill.  In October of 2019, I stayed with a close friend and helped with her two daughters as she endured treatment for stage IV lung cancer.  And then, in the final days of 2019, my father was diagnosed with Leukemia and I underwent surgery, donating my bone marrow to him to increase his chances of survival.  

By the time the pandemic hit, I was exhausted and needed time for reflection.  In a normal year I would have used the spring to sort out the feelings that came with the previous fall.  On my hours off from work and while my kids were at school, I would have enjoyed visits with my dad and taken long runs by the river. I would have met friends for tea and shared my experience, emerging from the interaction feeling grounded and full. Now, my whole world shrunk down to the few rooms of my home – with my kids at home for school and my husband working at the hospital I could no longer leave the house to hold my dad’s hand nor to go running by myself.  Suddenly, it was no longer safe to meet friends in person and as a therapist I often did not want to set up one more Zoom session even if it was for the purpose of talking to friends. I found myself crying in the shower so that no one would hear me, especially my children.   

As a daughter of a severely depressed mother, I have worked hard to hide my sorrow from my children.  I don’t mean I never let them see me sad or upset.  Rather, I’ve tried hard to protect them from the deep sorrow many daughters of depressed mothers inherit – the feeling that we are undeserving of goodness and are responsible to make our mothers better so that we may have the goodness we see others enjoy.  Over the years, I’ve buoyed myself with my professional work and beautiful experiences that remind me I am worthy of joy (such as fun family vacations).  And, I’ve healed the broken part of me through many deep relationships – my therapist, mentors, friends, and especially my husband who understand this part of me and support my many endeavors to live fully, with strength and joy. Together, we have been able to give our boys the things that my mother could not give me – a deep sense of hope, agency in the world, and freedom to be children. Now, without my traditional ways of recuperating – usually out of my children’s sight – how would I manage not to slip into my own depression?  How would I protect them from my own fears and sorrow – stirred by so much illness and death (not to mention protect them from very real threat of COVID)?

I wish I could say that over the last 15 months I rallied by establishing a daily practice of yoga, baking bread, and used the extra time at home to “Marie Kondo” my closets (as I witnessed so many others do in the many articles I read online at 3 am).  But, I did not.  My children are still home for remote school and they are unvaccinated. I had to find ways to allow myself to feel what I was feeling.  And I did.  I found a way to stay close to the rhythms of my sorrow and move through them, this time along side my children rather than outside their view.  

Over this pandemic time of sadness, I have come to realize that I do not have to hide my sorrow from my children in order to protect them.  In fact, I have recognized that in order to prepare them for life as it really is, I have to allow them to know about sorrow and sadness. And I have decided that we can now talk, as a family, about how some parts of life are naturally hard and sad and that giving ourselves care and comfort in these hard times is essential.

Before it was safe to have a babysitter, I would run around the baseball field, tracking my miles, while my boys played catch and cheered me on to run one more lap. Now, both of my boys look forward to beginning the week when they have “extra movie time,” while I meet with my therapist online.  They know that I often need to cry when I learn that their grandpa was re-admitted to the hospital and they see me moving through the pain by baking him his favorite date-nut bread for when he returns home.  Additionally, they accompany me on visits with my friends in the park, developing their own loving relationships with them.  

I am still tired.  I still look forward to the time when my kids can return to school. I need more time to myself and they need to feel independent and have time with their teachers and friends. In the meantime, I am doing the unthinkable – I am healing myself along side my children.  Without burdening them with my sorrow, I have let them see how I find my resiliency in the face of hardship. I am hopeful we will all emerge stronger and my boys, if they ever lose their own sense of inner strength, will know they can always find their way back.

The Transition to Motherhood

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Dr. Corinne Masur

Recently a young mother and trainee at my Psychoanalytic Institute and I were talking about the transition to motherhood.  She has a four month old and she had just read an article that talked about “Matrescence”.  I had never heard this term before but I was immediately taken by it!  Finally, a word to name the developmental stage that women go through when they become mothers!


There is really nothing like this transition and yet we don’t talk about it much.  Going from being an individual who can do what she wants, when she wants, responsible mostly just to herself, to being totally responsible for a new, helpless human is an enormous shift. And it can be a shock. Suddenly, everything changes.  Independence and autonomy go out the window! Now the baby’s needs have to be constantly considered.  When the baby has to feed, sleep, be comforted or cuddled has to be taken into account before the woman can decide to do anything else. Life becomes less orderly and MUCH more messy.


This is especially true for women who worked and had control over their own schedules outside of work. Staying home and caring for a baby’s needs can feel like a huge shift in every aspect of her being – her schedule, her priorities, her freedom and especially, her identity.


I remember one new mother saying to me, “No one told me how hard this would be!” and she wasn’t just talking about taking care of her baby.  She was talking about so many things. She was jealous of her partner getting to go to work each day, getting to take a half hour for lunch, getting to go to the bathroom on their own. She went from working to being at home all day and she felt hemmed in. She loved her new baby but she also felt that his needs were all encompassing. She felt she didn’t get a moment to herself.  Her partner worked long hours and for those first few months she felt quite alone and isolated. She had friends but she did not feel she had time to reach out to them.  At another time she said to me, “The responsibility for keeping my baby alive is all on me”.  She felt the weight of this and it was nothing like anything she had felt before.  She also felt the weight of her love and connection to her baby and THAT was like nothing she had felt before either.


Of course, for each new mother and each new parent, what feels hard may be different – but for all new parents, especially first time parents, the transition to motherhood/fatherhood is huge. Each parent has to adjust to who s/he is now, now that s/he is not just an individual or part of a couple but now that s/he is responsible for caring for another human being and having that human being be totally dependent on him or her.  S/he has to rethink what it means to be HER.


This shift in identity is something that we take for granted.  But we shouldn’t.  It’s difficult – and comes with mixed feelings and in some cases, considerable struggle.  An article in Psychology Today compares matrescence to adolescence, another stage of life that can be stormy.


Every phase of development in human life comes with conflict. First time mothers may love their new role – but they can also hate it.  They can hate having to stay home because the baby is napping when they would rather be out on a walk or having coffee with a friend. They can hate the long days and the lack of adult companionship.  They can hate the total dependence of the baby, or the endless routine of feeding, burping, diapering, soothing. They can feel bored and beleaguered and resentful.  They can miss work and the sense of purpose that work brings. Deeper conflicts can be stirred up including feelings about how they were parented themselves or how they feel about bodily functions, time management, productivity, independence and commitment. And all of this is completely normal.


We need to acknowledge the significance and the difficulty of transition from non-mother to mother and non-father to father.  This is a life transition that resonates with past and future identities, goals, routines and ways of being.  It is transformative. The role of parent adds new dimensions to one’s existing sense of self, to one’s repertoire of feelings and abilities – but it is often a struggle getting used to the new role and all it entails.


And becoming a mother/parent during COVID?  Reread the above and multiply by 1000. All the normal challenges, deprivations and frustrations are magnified by the current conditions. New parents often don’t know what to expect from their baby, moment to moment, but now NONE of us know what to expect from the outside world. When will the pandemic be over? Will we get sick? Will our family members get sick? Will our jobs survive? Will we survive financially? Will daycares be open or stay open? Can we even grocery shop safely and if so, how many masks do we have to wear to do so? Moreover, it’s hard to find help. Relatives and babysitters can’t come over as easily to help with child care. Friends with babies can’t get together without negotiating around COVID safety. Life for the new parent is even more uncertain and more isolated than ever.

Some mothers are “on the brink.”.  It is just TOO much – particularly for single mothers, mothers whose financial situation is unstable, mothers who have to manage working from home and childcare simultaneously. Maternal stress levels are high – life can seem scary and tedious and frustrating all at once. Some have taken to going to a local park and screaming as loud as they can. One mother said, “I feel like a ticking time bomb…but then I am unable to defuse myself”. Another said, “Some days are so busy they feel like they don’t exist. It’s like I just went through 24 hours and I don’t remember any of it because I was just go, go go.” 


It is hard to concentrate on a new baby when there are so many worries. And at the same time, that is what is needed. Some parents find it an escape to just care for their baby. Some are glad that there is little for them to fear they are missing out on while caring for their infant during this time – after all, so little else is happening.  There are fewer distractions from the baby and more time to get to know him or her – and after all, that is the job of the new parent – to get to know the baby and to get to know ourselves in our new role.

Please join in the conversation. You can find Thoughtful Parenting on our Facebook and Instagram.

Kids Can Be Foodies Too! Check Out Netflix’s Family-Friendly Show “Somebody Feed Phil”

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It can be difficult to find a family-friendly show that’s a good fit for both younger and older kids. We love the new Netflix series Somebody Feed Phil, which follows the travel and food adventures of Phil Rosenthal, a television writer who brings enthusiasm and wonder with him whoever he goes. He was recently interviewed by 7-year-old fan Evan Wittenberg, who asks the hard-hitting questions we want answers to, such as “What’s the grossest food you ate this season?”:

Phil Rosenthal vs. a 7-Year-Old

We hope you enjoy the show too!

How Much Choice Do Kids Need?

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UnknownDr. Corinne Masur

Once upon a time (when I was growing up) children were told, “Tonight we are having chicken a la king for dinner.”  Now, you might have hated chicken a la king, or perhaps you had the same thing for lunch at school…but that was STILL what was for dinner.

At some point parenting changed, and the idea that choices were important for children’s development became popular.  “Child centered parenting” was on the cutting edge, and giving children choices in what to wear, what to eat, and what to do was part of that.

At the very same time, our society was becoming increasingly industrialized with more and more consumer products becoming available in stores.  In the 50’s, as the world was recovering from WWII, middle class people in Western nations might have a car– or they might not.  But they usually didn’t have two cars.  Adult women might have a few nice dresses and a few for everyday wear, but that was it.  No one had a walk in closet–they didn’t need one! Children had clothes for dressy occasions, school, and play, and these categories did not mix.

Now that we have prepared foods at grocery stores, take-out food, fast food, Amazon, Target, and Walmart (plus lots of things imported from other countries where labor is cheap), dinner is often whatever your child wants. Kids often have a great deal of choice in clothing, and their weekends are full of playdates and activities of their choosing.

Is this helpful for children? Continue reading →

Talking about Technology

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Dr. Corinne Masur

The promotional website for Screenagers, a film about technology in families, is offering new conversation starters for parents every Tuesday. This week, they’re focusing on how kids feel about their parents’ connection to technology and asking the following questions:

  • What are some of the best ways I give you my attention?
  • Do you find that I’m on my phone, tablet or laptop when you want my attention?
  • What are ways you can tell that I am only half paying attention?

And if you’re interested in learning more about the movie: “Award-winning SCREENAGERS probes into the vulnerable corners of family life, including the director’s own, and depicts messy struggles, over social media, video games, academics and internet addiction. Through surprising insights from authors and brain scientists solutions emerge on how we can empower kids to best navigate the digital world.”

First Day of Daycare or Pre-school

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daycareDr. Corinne Masur

Sending your infant or young child off to daycare or pre-school for the first time can be heart wrenching – for BOTH to you.

Suddenly, the baby you cared for so carefully will be in the hands of others.  This can cause parents to feel more anxious than they anticipated feeling!  Often parents feel a loss of control over their child’s care and wellbeing.  Fear, guilt, and regret may follow.

What can you do?

The infant who is 6-months-old or younger: Continue reading →

The Importance of Failure

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Dr. Corinne Masur

Last week in The Sunday New York Times there was an article describing how college students need to to be TAUGHT that it’s okay to fail occasionally. Smith, a prestigious women’s college, offers a presentation called “Failing Well” during student orientation, which gives out a certificate saying, “You are hereby authorized to screw up, bomb or fail at one or more relationships, hookups, friendships, texts, exams or extracurriculars or any other choice associated with college…and still be a totally worthy, utterly excellent human.”

Evidently many 18 year olds are getting to college having suffered very few disappointments or failures of any kind. Or they get to college rarely having had to handle disappointment on their own. They are simply unprepared for this experience. Residence life offices are inundated with students who come in sobbing that they did not get their first choice of roommate, that they got less than an A- on an exam, or that they got rejected from a club.

How did we, as a society, or we as parents and educators and mental health professionals allow this to happen? We simply have to ask ourselves this question. Continue reading →