In many, if not most American homes, bedtime is a mess right now. Many children won’t go to sleep without a parent in the room, they call for their parents a million times, get out of bed over and over, come to sleep in their parents’ bed in the middle of the night, or start out there and never leave. Parents are exhausted, and they get little or no evening time to themselves.
Why is this, and what can we do about it?
Well, there is obviously not one answer that fits every family and every situation, but one thing has occurred to me. And that is, that in this age of Gentle Parenting, parents are often shying away from insisting that their children go to bed and stay there. They are often having trouble being firm about this and insisting on it. They are having trouble raising their voices, if needed, to make sure their child knows it is time to go to sleep, and this is non-negotiable.
While parents may not say they ascribe to Gentle Parenting, it is part of the zeitgeist nonetheless. It is everywhere. And, as a result, it has gone out of style to insist that children do certain things in a certain way, and to be stern about it.
Let me be frank. My father loved me—but I was afraid of him. And this was true for many children of my generation. We didn’t go to bed or do our homework because we wanted to. We did the things we had to do because we knew we had to do them and we were afraid of the consequences—which were usually unnamed—if we didn’t.
Do I advise making your child afraid of you?
Well, not exactly.
You don’t want your child to be afraid of you….but you do want your children to know there are limits and to know that you, as their parent, will enforce these limits immediately when needed.
You don’t want your child to be afraid of you – but you also need to accept that you do not need to be your child’s friend, or playmate. You need to be their parent, to take care of them and to help them feel safe.
And this is what being firm, and setting consistent limits, including those around bedtime, does.
But, again, this kind of parenting has gone out of fashion entirely.
Does this have to do with the fact that we are in an age of authoritarian governments? Are parents so put off by what is happening in our country and in the world that they implement the opposite form of home governance?
Well, that I’m not sure of—but I do see that it is hard for parents to be authorities with their own children at this point in time. Maybe when they are angry, some parents are able to do this—but what about when they are not yet angry?
What I see is a great deal of reasoning with children, trying to convince children to do what is good for them, etc. And with most children, especially young children, this just doesn’t work. Children don’t go to bed because they learn they need sleep and understand that it is healthy for them. They go to bed because they have to. And often, they don’t like it. Bedtime means an end to fun. It means an end to playing. It means separation from their parents and separation from the activities of the day. It means feeling alone. And sometimes it means lying awake for a while. None of this is pleasant. That is why parents need to be firm about it.
Additionally, providing the structure of a particular bedtime and bedtime ritual is helpful for children. Most young children need this. They like routine, and they are helped by a schedule. They need to know what to expect and what is expected of them.
As a parent, I was not always good at being firm. But fortunately for me, my son’s father was very good at it, especially around bedtime. My son had a bath every night, three books and three songs—and that was it.
Of course, he tried to push the limits. Of course, he tried to prolong the conversations before bed. But firmness helped.
Sometimes it is just time to say goodnight—and mean it.
Was this easy?
It was not.
For a solid year, when my son was two and a half, he got out of his crib in the middle of the night and came to our room. And for a solid year, I took him by the hand, walked him back to bed, and lay on the couch in his room for a half hour to make sure he didn’t escape again.
Was I tired?
Yes, I was. And this made it hard to go to work the next day.
And here is another problem: Most parents work and cannot afford to be too tired. This may lead some parents to allow kids to sleep in their bed or to do other things at bedtime and at night that are less than optimal. Parents feel they cannot afford to put bedtime rules into operation if it leads to meltdowns at night.
But my advice is this:
- Decide with your partner whether you are both ready and committed to setting firm limits around bedtime.
- When you are ready, implement your plan.
- Start by telling your child that tonight he will go up to bed at ___(insert time you’ve decided), you will give him a bath, you will read him three books and then you will sing him three songs. Then you expect him to sleep (substitute here whatever ritual you’ve decided on).
- Decide on a bedtime ritual that works for your family. It could be bath and books and songs as described, or it could be something different—but whatever you decide it is, make sure it does not involve any screen time whatsoever, and do it every night.
- Be firm. Use a stern tone of voice. Try to forget about Gentle Parenting for this part of your day. Do not be afraid to be the authority. Don’t even be afraid to raise your voice.
- Remind your child each evening for at least the first three nights that you start this of the routine and the expectations.
- Be consistent.
- Be prepared for pushback. But do not let it deter you.
- And even if it takes a year of walking your child back to bed, don’t give up.
Parents need a few hours of time to themselves in the evenings. But if you don’t institute a bedtime, if you are not firm and even stern about bedtime, if you do not keep at it, your child’s bedtime will run into your bedtime, and then you will have absolutely no time between work and childcare for your own well-needed and well-deserved adult time.
Thoughtful Parenting 