Have you seen “Chateau Mom and Dad”? 

It’s very funny. 

And for those who haven’t seen it, it’s a meme of a Mom offering concierge services to her teen returning home from college. She asks whether they would like valet service (ie Dad bringing in their baggage from the car)? Meal service? (OK, you don’t know when you’ll be here? We’ll just set a place in case…). Oat milk or regular? Full laundry service? You get the idea. 

It’s funny because it’s terrifyingly close to the truth. So many parents provide so much for their college-aged kids when they come home for the holidays….and then end up feeling used, deprived of appreciation, and angry. 

Humor, of course, is one way to vent.

But guess what? Being more direct with your college-aged kids is also a way to respond to their expectations for laundry, meal and cleaning services.

Adolescence is a complicated time of life. Your teen wants independence and autonomy – and at the same time, they can enjoy falling back into the old patterns of dependence. They can enjoy being fed and taken care of. 

And yes, we are so happy to see them that we are glad to do some of that cartaking. But perhaps we also need to appreciate the skills they’ve gained while away and ask them to draw upon them while home.  They have had to make new friends. They know how – or are learning how – to suss out other people’s needs and wants. And you, as a parent, can expect them to put some effort into recognizing you as an individual with your own needs and wants.

This year, how about talking to your college kids about your own feelings about the holidays and how you would like them to go? How about talking about what you would like from them? Could you even discuss what you’re going to do over the holidays together, when you expect to see them and how you expect them to participate? And what about raising your expectations just a little? Could your kids make sure to have gifts to give everyone? Could they help make the holiday dinner? Contribute a dish? Go grocery shopping with you? Bring in the wood for the fire or take their younger siblings on a fun outing? And maybe, just maybe…could they do their own laundry?

It’s worth thinking about.