Dr. Corinne Masur

These days, everything is on demand.  If you want to watch a movie or a TV show, it’s right there, right now.  If you want coffee, you can get it any time in any flavor– or an easy dinner, call Caviar – or if you want a ride, well, you know what to do.

It used to be that if you wanted coffee, you’d have had to remember to buy a can of ground coffee at the store and you’d have to make it in your percolator and wait for it to finish before you got a cup.  Or if you wanted to watch a show, you had to be in front of the TV at the time it came on.

And while we are used to all this convenience, and we love it, it also takes a toll.

We have SO much choice now – instead of doing the work we said we were going to do at home, we can watch a movie, a cooking show, a comedy series.  You might have thought I was going to say that all this on demand was making us lazy but what I am going to say is this: it requires MORE self-discipline than ever.  It actually requires us to be able to say NO to ourselves more often than we used to.  The discipline was more built-in when we had finish dinner by 7 if we wanted to watch our show, or when we had to make coffee at home if we wanted some.  Now we have to discipline ourselves.  And it isn’t easy.

This goes for our children as well.

As a child psychologist, I’ve had innumerable kids in my office talking about how they just can’t get off YouTube to do their homework.  They want to – they know they should – but they just can’t stop.  There is one funny video after another after another, and turning off the computer is their job and it’s hard.  Homework isn’t as appealing as one more video…

When kids only had TV to watch, they often did their homework in their rooms or at the kitchen table – where there was no TV.  The temptation to watch something was not there every minute.  Or, if it was, it was harder to sneak over to the TV and turn it on before the homework was done without someone noticing. Now, they have to do at least some of their work ON their computers – and YouTube is just one click away.  And they have ear buds, so no one really knows WHAT they’re doing when it looks like they’re doing homework. The discipline, the self control, has to be within them. And it’s SO hard to develop that.

I don’t think we as a society, or we, as parents, have caught up yet with the difficulties of the on demand life.  How NOT to watch?  How NOT to eat or drink too much.  It’s always there.

How do we help our children develop the self-discipline to not watch or not eat or not stop doing homework too soon before it’s done or to go to sleep when the phone is right there and the friends are still on the group chat.  It’s hard.

We need to help our children first by encouraging the focused attention we want them to develop.  We have to provide some structure and some monitoring in the years before they have internalized the structure and the self-monitoring. But that is how it works: children take in the rules and the structures provided for them when they’re young.  As they mature, they become increasing able to self-structure and self-monitor. We need to help them to do this by insisting that they stick to some rules in the beginning and then by encouraging them to do more and more on their own using their own self-discipline!

Here are a few brief ideas to begin the process:

• Impose some structure on your children’s phone and computer use during homework time.
• Don’t leave the choice up to them. For example, up to age 15 or so, you can insist that they put the phone in a centrally located basket during homework time and after a certain time at night.
• Have your children – through high school age – do their homework in a centrally located spot where you can casually walk by and SEE what’s on their screen from time to time.  This may seem intrusive but again, kids need help NOT distracting themselves during homework time.
• If your child just cannot get off YouTube to finish their homework, offer to sit with them while they work or do your own work in the room where they’re doing their homework. You can be a reminder that it is not Youtube time.  And try to stay off your own phone during this time.  Read a book or a magazine or make dinner while they work.
• Some parents even set up a “study hall” time at home for an hour before dinner and an hour or two after dinner.  Everyone does homework then and parental controls are set on any computers used for gaming for those times.

Let us know what has worked at your house!

Tejal Toprani, LCSW

Mom friends? Who friends? What are those? Are mom friends just people you end up standing next to at the park while your kids play?

True to my assertive (aggressive?) personality, I’ve approached moms in public places who look seemingly normal and have kids about the same age as mine and asked for their number to schedule a play date. This however, has never happened to me.

I also tend to forget why I have someone’s number. Especially, when I look at my phone later and it says “red sweater woman at park son likes trucks.”

Much has been written about the topic of mom friends – but I have one question: Do the moms who need friends even have time to read about the importance of mom friends?

I practice the philosophy that friends – both mom friends and other friends – is a numbers game. This comes from all the moving I’ve done over the last decade. Continue reading →

A thoughtful look at navigating the storms of childhood:

Continue reading →

Check out our review of A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood!

Click on the link above, or find it under Reviews on the menu.

by Tejal Toprani

I’m sick. Like really sick. And no this isn’t one of those Shel Silverstein poems.

The reason my sickness is so poignant is that I am the captain of the ship. Not an actual ship – but the self-appointed ambassador of the house. A mom, a wife, a person with some semblance of a career – so I can’t go down. The positive of being an ambassador is that if there were an attempt on my life it would be called an assassination instead of a murder if you can call that a positive. But I digress – back to being sick. Continue reading →

Here is a fun Thanksgiving dish kids love to make!

You can have kids of any age help with this:

Steve’s Sweet Potato Marshmallow Balls

You will need:

sweet potatoes

1 bag marshmallows

brown sugar

butter

corn flakes

Roast how ever many sweet potatoes you need (2 for a small gathering of 4 people, more for a larger gathering) at 400 degrees until soft.  Let sweet potatoes cool then remove the skin and put into a large mixing bowl. Mash the potatoes using a potato masher or hands.  After mashing add a little brown sugar to taste.

Now for the fun part!

Put corn flakes on a cookie sheet with sides and have your child mash with his/her fists.

Then have your child stand at the counter and take a scoop of sweet potato and form into a ball around one marshmallow.  Each ball should be larger than a golf ball but smaller than a baseball.

Put the crushed cornflakes in a shallow soup bowl or on a cookie sheet with sides and roll each sweet potato ball in the corn flakes to coat.

Place finished sweet potato balls on a greased cookie sheet.  Put a pat of butter on top of each one.

Bake at 375 for 15 or 20 minutes or until the marshmallows inside are gooey.  Do not leave in too long or the marshmallows will totally melt and your child will be disappointed.  You can always take one out to test the marshmallow inside!

Serve warm.

Dr. Corinne Masur

Has your child come home recently saying he or she has been canceled? Or has your child told you that he or she has canceled someone else?

It’s a new term for an old behavior.  If someone does something you really don’t like, you can cancel them– that is, you can write them off, ignore them, have nothing to do with them, and just plain pretend they don’t exist.

Where did the term come from? Well, YouTube, among other places.

According to a teenager quoted in a New York Times article on the subject (11/3/19), canceling someone is a way to take away their power and call them out.  Another teen was quoted as saying that the word can also be used in fun, just to tease someone.

So, saying “you’re canceled” can mean any one of several things– from “I’m done with you” to “I’m pretending to be done with you but really we’re still friends.”

Sometimes people are canceled for offensive language or behavior, and it’s a response to racist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic, or misogynistic interactions.

Sometimes people are canceled just because…..well, someone decided they didn’t like something about them.

Is canceling someone the best way to deal with them when you’re upset with them?  What about talking to them and telling them you don’t like what they did and why? In situations where someone feels attacked or disempowered, is it that person’s responsibility to educate or challenge the person who caused the pain? What are the benefits and consequences of canceling them?

Parents, this deserves a conversation.  Think about these questions and how to talk with kids about conflict, power, and resolution. Be ready when your child comes home talking about having canceled someone– or when they threaten to cancel YOU!

This is the first in a series of humorous posts by Tejal Toprani Misra who is a psychotherapist in part-time private practice and a most-time stay at home mom. She lives in Philadelphia with her spouse and two young sons.

I recently made the grave error of taking a loud toddler and a 10-month-old crawler to a birthday party solo (my husband works a lot so this is a general theme in my life). Anyways, somehow, I convinced myself that going to this party was a good morning activity. Well it wasn’t. It was raining so that’s always a blast with my naturally curly hair – which  I’ve been fighting to keep straight since I was 14 – so I decided to drive to “avoid the rain” in a neighborhood that hasn’t heard of parking spots.

And then – the party itself: A common theme I’ve been noticing lately is a lack of food at children’s parties. Either the idea is that people above 48 inches do not need to eat or it’s poor planning. I’m not sure which. I was starving when I got there and when I finally found 60 seconds to eat, the food was gone. I was recently at another party where the birthday girl’s grandfather went for seconds and the box of pizza was empty. At this party the birthday girl’s mother had the audacity to brag that the party was so economical! Well of course it was when there were literally ravenous children there and no food for them OR the adults! In five more minutes that fourth birthday was going to turn into a riot. Continue reading →