family

The Loss of a Grandparent

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

This is an excerpt from my new book, How Children Grieve: What Adults Miss and What They Can Do to Help (2024) Alcove Press.

While it is the normal order of things for a grandparent to die during the life of a child, such an event can be a salient moment: The loss of a grandparent may be your child’s first experience with death. It can bring up all sorts of feelings, questions, worries, and concerns.

But please, don’t be afraid to talk about any and all of this with your child. You don’t need special training or professional advice to do this. Just try to talk with your child simply and honestly.

If your child and their grandparent were close, it is, of course, an extremely sad and painful experience when the grandparent dies. A grandparent can be a unique source of love, comfort, and support for a child. Often grandparents indulge the child’s wants and needs more lavishly than the parents do, and as a result, your child may feel particularly sad when she loses her grandparent.

For this reason, as much love, comfort and reassurance as you can provide will be welcomed by your child. But at the same time, your child may have concerns that they are not easily reassured about.

This is OK.

Death is scary for all of us – –

but it is also part of life.

When a grandparent dies, your child can have new fears about death, and it may occur to them that you could die or even that they themselves could die.

This can raise existential issues for the child: What is death? What does it mean to die? What happens after you die?

These questions are difficult, and you may struggle to answer them.

But after the death of a grandparent, you can not only explain about death and what it is, if necessary, but you can also talk about what it means to lead a long and productive life. It can be comforting for the child to know that the grandparent was older and got to have many years of life.

However, the death of a grandparent is complicated because it often involves a double loss. Not only does your child feel her own feelings of sadness and loss, but she must also deal with the grief you and/or your partner feel. It may be a new and troubling experience for your child to see you cry or be sad for an extended period of time—and you may be less available for a while, both emotionally and in terms of doing all the things you usually do for your child.

Your child may need more from you than you feel you can provide for a little while.

You will do your best, but it is also important for you to get all the help you need with your own grief process. You may need some time to yourself, you may need to reach out to friends to talk or you may even seek some psychotherapy to help process your loss.

But eventually, your child will have feelings and thoughts that will require your attention.

For example, Kyra was 6 when her grandmother died. She and her grandma had not had a particularly close relationship as her grandmother had lived in another city and also because her grandmother was rather aloof as a person. But still, Kyra had questions. She asked her mother what happens after death. When her mother answered, “Nothing,” Kyra became preoccupied by the idea of “nothing.” What could it be like to be dead and be “nothing”? Where was her grandmother and what was it like for her? And what would happen when Kyra herself became “nothing”? Kyra didn’t speak to anyone about her worries, but she found herself thinking about being “nothing” every night while trying to fall asleep.

Or, for another example, Jacob was 12 when his grandfather died. Jacob loved his grandfather dearly and had seen him often during his first 11 years of life. He did all he could to help in the last months of his grandfather’s life, visiting often, cleaning up his grandfather’s yard, and bringing him his favorite treats.

Jacob was alarmed as his grandfather’s appearance began to change. His grandfather had married and had children late in life and he was quite old, even for a grandfather. After his 89th birthday, he started to become weaker. He became pale, and he did not feel much like eating. He was thinner each time Jacob saw him. After visits with his grandfather, Jacob would go to his room and take a nap. Clearly, being with his grandfather was something he wanted, but it was also disturbing and depleting for him. Rather than facing his disturbing feelings, he preferred to sleep.

Jacob’s parents were worried about him and asked a friend who was a therapist whether or not Jacob should continue to visit his grandfather as frequently. The friend suggested that Jacob come to see him, and he took the time to sit down with Jacob to talk with him about his grandfather. Knowing that Jacob was interested in science, the friend thought that it might help to explain what was happening inside his grandfather’s body. They talked about aging and why certain organs begin to break down. Jacob’s grandfather was very old and he had lived a long, productive life. They talked about this and they also talked about how hard it is to watch as someone you love get closer to dying.

Jacob left the friend’s house in a lighter mood. Because he was a boy who used his intellect to help him understand and process things, he had benefited from learning more about why his grandfather was losing weight and what the future might look like.

Jacob continued to visit his grandfather often, and while very sad after each visit, he seemed more able to manage his sadness than he had been previously. He got a lot of satisfaction out of helping his grandfather, bringing him his favorite ice cream, and doing chores around his grandfather’s house and yard. Eventually, Jacob also brought his homework over to his grandfather’s house and sat in the living room doing his work while his grandfather rested on the couch.

When his grandfather died at age 90, Jacob was very sad. But he wanted to go to the funeral and the graveside service and he wanted to help out at the reception afterwards. He wanted to make his grandfather’s last party nice and he worked hard to help his parents to prepare for all the visitors ahead of time.

Continuing Connections

Continuing connections to those we’ve lost are important. There are so many ways that a child can feel a continued connection to a grandparent. Often they cherish memories of things they did together. Or they replay advice their grandparent gave them. Some love to hear funny or interesting stories about their grandparent, and some will want to have something that belonged to their grandparent. Some will benefit from making an album of photos they can keep or a video they can look at whenever they feel the desire.

But of course, not all grandparents and grandchildren are close and not all grandparents are kind. Depending on the type of relationship your child had with her grandparent, the amount of grief she feels and her desire for connection will vary.

Some children may want to go to the funeral, some may want to visit the cemetery where their grandparent is buried; some may want to bring flowers or a stone to put at the grave. Some may want to attend yearly religious remembrances, and some may want to do none of these things.

In all cases, even if the relationship with the grandparent was not entirely positive, it is important for the adults in the family to bring the grandparent up in conversation from time to time so that the child knows that when someone has died, they are not forgotten and that we can continue to think about our them and to process what they meant to us throughout our lives.

“Yes, Your Kid”

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Debby Herbenick is a researcher of sexual behavior and is the director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University. Her book Yes, Your Kid explores the growing trend amongst sexually active teenagers of engaging in choking, or sexual strangulation.

This is an important read for those of you who are parents of adolescents – although you may not want to read it.

And it is important for adolescents themselves, although it is not likely that many of them will read it either.

Herbenick calls the information “lifesaving.”

She wants kids, and parents to know that sexual strangulation is dangerous, even life threatening.

Evidently, many kids think their partners expect to be choked during sex.

But why?

The depiction of sexual strangulation in porn may have led some kids to try it. After all, all kids have access to porn at this point, and most have watched some.

And those same teens may have thought that choking is part of a normal sexual experience.

In fact, the rise of the use of sexual strangulation amongst older teens and college age kids has been meteoric. According to Herbenick, the number of teen girls between the ages of 12 and 17 who say that a partner has choked them during sex has risen to forty per cent. Two decades ago, sexual asphyxiation was unusual amongst any demographic, let alone young people.

The problem is that sexual strangulation can lead to unintentional unconsciousness or even death.

And some researchers, including Keisuke Kawata, a neuroscientist at Indiana University, thinks that each non-lethal episode can cause damage to the brain, similar to the ways that CTE‘s experienced by football players do.

It’s time to approach this issue with our teens.

It may be hard – but it is crucial.

Once your child is around 14, you can have a discussion about consent and its importance. And during that discussion, you can bring up the fact that lots of kids watch porn – but that not everything that happens in porn should happen in real life – just like the fact that not everything that happens in movies (chase scenes, shootings, dystopian disasters, etc.) should happen in reality.

You can talk with your kids about what they think their partners might want or expect and where these ideas come from.

This can lead to talking about how some things shown in porn are actually dangerous – and how porn does not show you that part.

Again, this is hard to talk about – but the time to start is now.

References

Yes, Your Kid, What parents need to know about today’s teens and sex, Debby Herbenick et al.

Peggy Orenstein, New York Times, The Teen Trend of Sexual Choking (4/12/2024)

Twenty-Seven Thank Yous

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Tejal Misra

“Be a room parent!” my son said. “I’ll get to see you, Mommy!” 

With a nerf gun to my head, I took on the responsibility. 

I figured this would help me keep an ear to the ground as they say. First of all, I could learn which of the teachers wanted to cut and run mid-year and I could support them every way I could. Second, I could spy on my son and see exactly how he was behaving at school!

But what did this job entail? 

I had no idea.

As it turns out, it entailed countless meetings that could have been emails. And also having to send out countless emails that could have been skipped altogether.

Additionally, I had to attend all the grade level events.

And don’t get me wrong, seeing my son at his school interacting with his peers has been amazing.

But since August (when the school year started) I’ve had to chaperone several field trips. On one they gave me five kids to keep track of, and two of them had the same name. Why would they do that, you ask? Well why not? At least, I had one less name to memorize. 

Afterwards, I took the extra step of texting all the parents pictures of their children on the field trip. 

And throughout my time as room parent I’ve  gotten to know the other students in my son’s  class, met some parents, and regularly shown my support for the teachers. I’ve also volunteered at lunch a number of times. 

Long before I became a parent I dreamed of participating in my future children’s school. And this fulfilled that dream. And, as a result of my involvement, my face has become more familiar around the school. The children and staff know me. An added bonus has been being able to infuse a little diversity into the mostly homogenous place we send our son to school. 

Then, finally, the school year was three quarters over and the annual field day was upon us. Of course, room parents were required to be there. But I didn’t plan ahead and couldn’t make it. However, I was able to cajole my husband into going in my place. 

For context, let me just say it was February and my son had been in this class since August and this would be the FIRST time my husband would be in our son’s classroom. 

But back to field day – my husband went, he took on the role of getting the students from activity to activity, something he is far better at than I would have been. And in each of their events he encouraged the kids and assisted the teachers. When the two hour stint was over he and I met for a nice lunch. 

That afternoon our son excitedly came home from school. His backpack was strangely full. And when I looked inside, what did I find?  Not one but twenty-seven HANDWRITTEN NOTES, LETTERS AND PICTURES from his classmates. Each and every one thanking my husband for volunteering. 

You would have thought he had given each child a pony. 

I am willing to wager that despite my having been in that classroom or on those field trips or at lunch at least eight times this year, most of the students in the class don’t know my name. 

But in each and every letter, my husband is addressed as “Dr. Misra”. He isn’t referred to as my son’s “dad” or as “Mr. Amit” – but “Doctor”. And the funny part is that my husband likes to tell people he’s a “water meter reader” instead of a physician…but we couldn’t expect our son to keep up the same pretenses. 

And one of the handwritten notes included animation!! 

All had ten dollar vocabulary words like “encouragement” and “persevere.” 

Meanwhile, as of today?

 I haven’t received so much as a thank you post-it. 

**********

Tejal Misra resides in Arizona with her family. She has recently authored and published a children’s book that offers a unique perspective on the festival of Diwali through the eyes of Sita. If you’re  interested in acquiring a copy of the book, see the link below:

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Tejal+Misra&i=stripbooks&crid=TSQIVZ31KCRH&sprefix=tejal+misra%2Cstripbooks%2C87&ref=nb_sb_noss_2

SCREEN TIME – AGAIN!!!

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Dr. Corinne Masur (Be sure to leave a comment below if you have something to say about screen time!)

In our parenting group on Friday one mother said, “at our house it’s always a battle about electronics”.

I think she speaks for 98% of all parents in the US. 

Once kids get on Youtube or once they are playing a game, they don’t want to stop. And in fact, it’s really hard to stop. 

So there’s either a battle – or there are frustrated parents shying away from a battle.

Parents are genuinely afraid to say no. Parents want to avoid a meltdown.

And this is doubly true in public. In our group, parents admitted to being afraid that if they say no when they are outside of the house, there will be a scene, a tantrum, yelling and screaming – and everyone will see it.

And then they will feel ashamed. 

The parents talked all about this. They admitted that sometimes they don’t set limits because they are afraid the ensuing battle will take away everyone else’s good time.

What if they are at a restaurant? Out with friends? Or on a trip with other families?

No one wants to be the parent who caused the meltdown that makes everyone else uncomfortable.

One mom said “I don’t think it’s healthy but that’s the way it is”.

Another parent said, “but if you let things go, it’s hard to make a change.”

This IS hard. 

If you don’t set limits early and often, kids are used to getting 10 more minutes…or an extra half hour. They persist at asking for more because they know sometimes they get it.

Parents are confused about what to do. Set a limit? Don’t set a limit? Give in to your child’s desire to stay on screen and give yourself another half an hour to look at your own phone? Or do the laundry? 

This is a conflict. Parents want and need more time for themselves. At the same time they want their kids to listen when they say, “It’s time to get off your screen”. 

Is it better to make a few rules? Ones that are just for your family – which don’t have to be like anyone else’s rules?

Or is it better to keep the peace?

Giving in sometimes and having established rules are not necessarily compatible. As we all learned in Intro to Psychology, the most reinforcing thing in the world is intermittent reinforcement. It’s better than all positive reinforcement and it’s better than all negative reinforcement – that is, if you want that behavior to persist, whatever that behavior is, rewarding it SOME of the time is the thing that will make it persist. In other words, if you give in sometimes, your child is even more likely to ask for more time on screen than if you say yes every time. Hard to believe – but true.

So what is a parent to do? You have a rule: 2 hours of screen time on Saturdays. But this particular Saturday you are sick and need a nap or you’ve been busy and you need time to catch up on work.  

It’s easier to give some extra screen time than to insist that your child find other things to do; it’s easier to give some extra screen time than to set up a playdate; it’s easier to give extra screen time than doing almost anything else!

We discussed all this in the group and in the end, the consensus seemed to be that it was important – to these particular parents – to figure out what worked for each of their own families. And then to try to be consistent. Some of them wanted to have no screens at meals at all. One mother wanted her kids to have no phones at all until age 13. But she was willing to let her 9 year old have an iwatch that couldn’t make calls. Two parents said phones at meals were OK as long as the kids ate their food before looking at the phone.

They all said they struggle with these questions – but they all also want more of a feeling of control in their homes.

Of course, you can’t entirely control your children. They are going to do some things and spend their time in some ways that aren’t your preference. But for their sake, and for your own, do you want to decide whether you WANT phones at meals or how many hours a day YOU want your children on devices?

You might find it worthwhile.

And you might want to stick by what you decide.

It’s hard to set limits, it’s hard to make rules and stick to them, it’s hard to say no and suffer the resulting melt downs – especially in public. But it is also important to think about whether it’s worth it. For you. And especially, in the long term, for your children.

All children have meltdowns sometimes. If you can tolerate your child’s meltdowns, and if you can allow them to happen because you’ve said no – you might actually find out that there will be fewer of them – and your child might – just might – get off her screen when it’s time. It’s not a guarantee. But there’s a chance.

Fall Scheduling: To Do or Not To Do, That is the Question!

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

Dr. Corinne Masur

In an interesting opinion piece in the New York Times (see link below) Emily Oster suggested that starting now, we can all begin to make more conscious decisions about what we want on our schedules and those of our children.

But can we?

Having our schedules empty out during the quarantine was a revealing experience for many of us – and for our children. What could we do with our time when we didn’t have to go to a million activities? We had to draw on resources we didn’t know we had to figure this out.

Even though most families found the quarantine experience extremely difficult, I heard a lot of comments from parents and partners about the benefits in spending more time together. While family life could get claustrophobic at times, at others, parents found they were getting to know their children and partners better and many people appreciated the slower pace of life.

So now – the question is – do we have the courage to turn down some of the activities that are becoming available again? Are we willing to give thought to whether we want all that busy-ness back?  Can we get ourselves to consciously go through each of our prior activities and decide if we really want that back in our life – or in the life of our children?  

Emily Oster has some ideas about this – and so do I.  The thing that she does not mention explicitly in her article is the importance of communication. Are we able to talk together as a family to make our priorities clear before accepting all the sports and lessons and activities into our lives again? Are we able to have discussions about whether we want to be as busy as we were before?

I have a few suggestions and then you can read what Emily has to say as well:

1. Sit down with your partner, if you have one, before autumn starts and talk about how busy you want to be.  Talk about what your family priorities are. Talk about what you want back in your life and what you do not.  And if you do not have a partner, you can think about this for yourself and perhaps even write down what you do and do not want back in your life.  The purpose of all this is to make these decisions consciously rather than just deciding on the spur of the moment as each activity presents itself.

2. Sit down with each of your children and have this discussion with them. You now know what your priorities are for the family. Within the confines of those, ask your child what his or her or their priorities are and what activities he or she or they want back.

3. Don’t be afraid to set limits.  For example, if you have decided you want one day of the weekend – or even the entire weekend – for family times, stick to that. Try to help your children understand your priorities for the family and to make decisions keeping those in mind.

Life is getting more back to “normal” – but we all have to decide whether we want it to be the old normal or a new normal, informed by our experiences during this past year and a half.

For Emily Oster’s piece: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/31/opinion/sunday/deliberate-parenting.html