By Dr. Corinne Masur

Today in our parenting group one Mom brought up the fact that her son had asked if all girls have to have babies.

And another Mother told the story of her daughter asking how gay men have sex – while sitting at a holiday dinner with all the relatives.

So…we talked about when and how to talk to kids about sex.  

As it turned out, the girl who asked about how gay men have sex was sitting across the table from her uncle and his male partner.

This could have been awkward…

But, interestingly, it wasn’t. 

The Mom in question answered her daughter’s question and the uncles confirmed the answer.

This kind of openness is not possible in all families – but it was in this one because both the Mom and the uncles consider themselves sex positive and are fine talking about sex.

In some families, maybe even most families, there CAN be awkwardness. Some parents avoid the discussion. Some let school provide the forum for discussion. Some get books and use them to lead the discussion. 

Like the other Mother, the one whose son asked if girls have to have babies did not have a problem answering. Or perhaps this was an easier question.

But in our group this Mom did tell us the story of her own parents’ struggle with talking to her about sex. Her parents were immigrants and let’s just say the talk was extremely short and a pamphlet was involved.

There really is no one right way to talk with your children about sex. But it is important to do it.

Let’s break this down to make it easier:

If one of your goals is to help your children to not feel embarrassed or awkward about the subject, then you might want to try thinking about how you are going to approach the questions before they come up.

You may want to look at some books aimed at children your childrens’ ages – before your children (or you) need them.

You may want to talk with your partner about what you want to say when the questions come up.

And you may want to reflect on your own feelings about talking about sex, sexuality and bodies before you talk with your children. 

If you feel embarrassed or awkward, maybe you can try to reflect on why this might be. And perhaps you can think about what might make you feel less embarrassed or awkward.

But remember – the first time your child asks about their own anatomy or yours, about sex or about having babies, you do not have to make it into a big deal – you do not have to have what used to be called, “the talk”. 

Just answer the question at hand.

There can be many discussions about bodies and sex and sexuality over the course of your children’s childhoods. 

And if using a book is helpful to you in talking to your children, if this will make you feel more confident about the discussion, I have some suggestions (below).

 But also remember:

– Your child will ask about their body, other people’s bodies and sex when they are ready to know. You do not have to initiate the discussion.

– But the first questions usually come early. Two and three year olds want to know about bodies. Children are observant and curious at this age. And at this point, they are not usually asking about sex.  They just want to know why you look one way and they look another. They may want to know why you have breasts and they do not. Or why Daddy’s penis is bigger than theirs. Reassuring answers such as “we all have something – boys (or people assigned as male at birth if you prefer) have a penis and girls (or people assigned as female at birth) have a vulva and a vagina” or “you will have a big penis like daddy’s when you grow up” (for people assigned male at birth) are best. 

– As the questions pop up, just answer the specific questions your child is asking. Don’t feel pressure to say more until they ask further questions.

– Make your answers appropriate to your child’s age and in accordance with the culture of your family. For little kids, a simple, factual answer is best. For older kids you can add more detail.

– Use the correct names for the various body parts.

– As children get older, don’t be afraid to talk to them about the feelings around liking another person. Help them to distinguish between liking someone as a friend, liking someone for romantic reasons and liking someone because you are attracted to them. And when doing this, mostly just listen. 

– If your child “likes” someone for the first time, just ask them to tell you more about it. Ask them what it feels like to like someone.

– Once your child gets to be ten or eleven, you will probably have had numerous conversations about bodies and sex and sexuality. But if they haven’t asked, or if, for one reason or another, you have not explained very much to them, make sure your child, no matter their gender, knows about what happens with bodies as they mature. In this case, you can bring up the subject if they have not. Make sure they know about how breasts and penises grow and about when menstruation and ejaculation start to happen and why they happen.  And after you talk about these things, feel free to leave a couple of books in obvious places around the house so that they can find out more if they don’t want to ask again.  But hopefully, they WILL ask – again, and again, and again.

– By twelve, or thirteen (and you are the best judge of when to do this) if you have not already talked about how sex works, it’s time to do so. Or, if you have only explained it in the simplest of terms, it is time to go into more detail. Again, you can bring this up. At the same time, you can start to introduce the idea of consent into the conversation. The book by Al Vernaccio, listed below, will help you with how to present some of the ideas you may want to convey about various sexual possibilities and about consent. 

– And most importantly, make sure you tell your children that you are glad they asked the questions they asked and you are glad they were willing to listen to what you had to say – so that they will feel welcome to ask again in the future when they want to know more.

Helpful Books:

The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls

The Girl’s Body Book: Everything Girls Need to Know for Growing Up, Kelli Dunham

The Body Book for Older Girls, Cara Natterson

The Boy’s Body Book, Kelli Dunham

The Boy’s Body Book: Everything You Need To Know for Growing Up

For Goodness Sex: A sex positive book about raising healthy, empowered teens, Al Vernaccio