By Dr. Corinne Masur

For years I have been wondering why we have an epidemic in this country.

Covid?

No.  That’s (almost) over. Or at least it’s not as dangerous as it was.

I am talking about an epidemic amongst infants and children: an epidemic of sleep difficulties, crankiness, and an inability to accept limits.

And an epidemic of exhausted and overwhelmed parents.

I’m wondering why this is – why so many children and so many parents are having such a hard time?

I am wondering why parents are sleeping in their children’s rooms — or in their children’s beds – and why  children are sleeping in their parents’ beds?

I am wondering why every decision between parent and child is a negotiation and why parents follow every request they make of their child with “OK?”

Evidently I have a friend in Caroline Goldman, a French psychologist who has also been wondering about these things. According to the French newspaper, Le Monde, eight years ago, Caroline Goldman saw an influx of “restless” children in her practice despite the fact that these children wanted for nothing.

Goldman felt that these kids were being “pampered to the point of excess” and she thought that they were suffering from “a worrying lack of … boundaries.”

In the podcast that made her famous (over a million listens) and in her latest book, File dans ta Chambre! (“Go to Your Room!”), this French doctor of psychology said she shared the same observation with many childcare professionals in France where the incidence of behavioral disorders is exploding.

And of course, France isn’t the only place where this is true.

But, again, why?

I have thought about this a great deal — and as an old person, I have often wondered about the differences in my upbringing and the upbringing of children over the past several decades.

I have no definitive answers as to why these things are going on but I do have some observations:

1. Generational boundaries have been erased.

When I was growing up in the 1950’s and 60’s parents did not ask their children if it was OK with the child to do this or that. They just told their children what to do and there was an expectation that the child would do it. Also, parents did not sit on the floor with their children to play. Parents worked and made meals and took care of the house. Children played. On their own. Outside. Inside. They just played and used their imaginations, and yes, they watched TV too and it didn’t seem to hurt them/us.

2. There were rules.

We weren’t allowed to do lots of things. And we were supposed to do certain things. And we knew it. It was clear.

We didn’t talk back to our parents. We didn’t curse at home. We ate what was served at meals and if we didn’t like it we probably said so but we didn’t necessarily expect to get something different. These things were the norm.

Also, we ate candy and rarely did anyone say anything about it.

We had to do our homework and usually no one sat with us to do it. If we didn’t do it, we got in trouble at school.

We also didn’t talk in class and we weren’t late to school or to class and if we were, we got in trouble, again, at school. Personally, I had hundreds of detentions between 4th and 12th grades.

3. There were punishments.

See above regarding detentions.

And in my house, a glare from my father was enough. But if it wasn’t, he chased us to our rooms or he spanked us. You might think this is barbaric — most people now do — but it didn’t have to happen more than a few times until we got the idea that he meant what he said.

4. We had freedom.

From the age of 4 or 5 on we were allowed to play outside with our friends after school and on weekends. Some of us had music lessons or Scouts but we weren’t scheduled all day every day unless it looked like we were going to have a professional career in dance or skating or music.

5. Our parents did not expect to be perfect parents.

– They did not make our baby food

– They did not carry us around in slings all day when we were babies

– They sometimes got angry and yelled

– They did not feel they needed to be “present” at all times and/or to play with us constantly.

Sadly, today, parents feel they have to do everything all the time. They feel they have to be “present” during their time with their children and they constantly have to be “making memories”.

Many parents also feel that they have to carry or wear their infants at all times, they have to find the “right” sleep training method or they have to buy the expensive gadget that puts their baby to sleep. And if this doesn’t work, they just have to lie with their children until they go to sleep.

No wonder parents are exhausted and overwhelmed. Personally, I think all of this is too much for parents to do.

AND I think it is not working.

I don’t think children are happier now.

Perhaps this sounds like one of those Boomer rants: “we used to play outside until the street lights came on”, etc.

But I don’t mean it to be.

What I mean to say is this: Parents, give yourselves a break. Please.

You really don’t have to do all this.

And you really CAN start setting some more limits with your children without feeling guilty. The truth is that while they might not like it at first, your children will feel more secure when they know exactly what you expect from them.

So here are my suggestions:

1. Retrieve the generational boundary.

You and your child are not equals.  

Can they have choices SOMETIMES? Yes.  But not always. 

And you do get to tell them what to do. 

And if they ask “why?” you can explain why OR you are allowed to say, “Because I am the Mommy/Daddy”.

Treat your children as your children and not as your peers or friends. 

And this means you do not have to get down on the floor and play with them all the time.  I give you explicit permission to say “NO” sometimes.  Sometimes you are busy and they need to play on their own.

2. Establish rules in your house.

Make a bed time and a get up time.  Think about what is allowed and what is not allowed in your house. And then tell your children ahead of time what the rules are. And then tell them what will happen if they don’t go by the rules.  

Years and years of research on parenting styles has shown that “authoritative” parenting is the best kind – that means parenting where the parents have rules and are consistent in sticking to them.  Children feel safer when there are boundaries and when they are not allowed to exceed these boundaries.  Children do better when they know the consequences of their actions.  And children feel better when they know they can trust their parents to be consistent.

Do not confuse this parenting style with “authoritarian” parenting which is not such a good parenting style.

3. Talk to your partner, if you have one, about what the consequences will be if your child breaks a rule. 

Make sure the consequence fits the act and that it is meaningful to your child.  For example, if your child doesn’t particularly like sweets, taking away dessert won’t matter to them.  But if your child loves using the ipad, taking that away for a day will mean a great deal.

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about enforcing the consequences.

4. Also make sure to give your children some freedom. 

It is good for children to sometimes figure things out on their own.  If your neighborhood isn’t safe enough, take your children to a park or a location on the weekends where they can run around or ride their bikes with other kids for a few hours. If you have a yard or a safe neighborhood, let them play outside for hours at a time. No. INSIST they play outside for hours at a time. Children need activities that are not curated, where their parents are not watching their every move. And weather is not an excuse. As you’ve probably heard, there is no such thing as bad weather, there’s just bad clothing. Make sure your kids have rain boots and snow boots and raincoats and hats and winter coats and hats and then insist they go outside. And if they don’t want to?  They can read a book.  No screens for at least several hours each weekend or vacation day!

5. And finally, again, give yourselves a break. 

You are not perfect; no parent is perfect.

Eventually…. if you do these few things, you may notice that you are less exhausted and less overwhelmed.

You may even find that you are going to sleep with each other rather than with your child. And you may also find that you can have a few minutes to have cocktails or mocktails before dinner….the way my parents did.