By Dr. Corinne Masur
Mohammed Abed/AFP via Getty Images
Our world feels particularly frightening right now – two major wars, several smaller armed conflicts (Sudan, Ethiopia, The Sahel, the Mexican and Central American drug and gang wars) and so many natural disasters.
Do we talk with our children about these things?
And if so, how?
And more specifically, for those of us personally affected by the latest war in Israel and Gaza, how do we handle our own feelings and those of our children simultaneously?
I cannot pretend to have definitive answers.
The attack on Israel came as a shock to all of us.
The war there is just days old. And we are all trying to absorb and process the magnitude of the horror.
We may be filled with anxiety – or sadness – or anger. We may be feeling all of these emotions in succession and combination.
When we hear what’s happening and see the images of beautiful young people who have been kidnapped or killed or the videos of devastation, we may feel physically ill.
So how do we deal with our own emotions? And then how do we address the situation with our children?
I have some suggestions.
For those of us who are directly affected because we have family and friends in Israel or Gaza, the situation is the hardest. We have the competing interests of trying to track our loved ones while also wanting to protect our children from being overwhelmed by the events in Israel and by our own fear and horror.
We need to be free to experience our own feelings – while also needing to be in control for our children. Because we know that in order for our children to feel cared for and safe, they need to know that we are still able to be in control and in charge.
This is an extremely difficult dillemma.
And for others of us, not so directly affected, we are still full of emotion – outrage, fear, terrible sadness.
It is tempting for many of us to keep the news on all day, to check our newsfeeds on our phones and computers constantly, to read the newspaper and to talk about the war at home, on the phone and together with friends and family.
But is this the best thing to be doing – for ourselves? Or for our children?
Let me share my thoughts on this.
If you have children under the age of eight, for their sake, and for your own, try the following:
– Turn off the TV news and keep it off. Repeated exposure to violence, even on the television or phone, can be traumatizing – for adults as well as children.
– Even when the terrible events we see are not happening directly to us, we can be traumatized just by the act of seeing them or hearlng about them. This is called vicarious traumatization.
– If you must check the news on your phone, do so in private – if you have to take a bathroom break to do so, then do that – and do so only a few times per day, if possible.
– Talk to friends and relatives about the war out of earshot of your children.
– Don’t think you can be in the same room with your children and talk in a low voice about the war – when you do this children often understand that there is something being said that they aren’t supposed to hear – and they will try very hard indeed to hear what it is.
– If you go to a restaurant with your children and they have the news on the TV over the bar, either go to a different restaurant or ask the waiter privately (ie, not in front of your children) if they would be willing to change the channel.
– Over the next few weeks, if your child is going on a play date at a friend’s house, ask the parents of the child your child is going to play with what they do in their home about having the TV on or talking about the war – before you child goes over.
– But also, be proactive. Talk to your children (starting with those around age 3 and up) directly about what is happening.
– Tell them the facts in simplified form. For example, “A group called Hamas started a fight with Israel on Saturday. Now Hamas and Israel are fighting and it is very hard for the people there.” You can add a few specific details about your friends and relatives – but not too many, and none that are graphic. And you can say, “Daddy and I are very worried about this”.
– Answer your children’s questions – and they will have many.
– But keep it simple – and leave out the disturbing details.
-Use very simple language. Children this age do not know where the Middle East is or what a terrorist is. Leave out the facts about children and families being killed or taken hostage. These details are too frightening for young children.
– When they ask if your friends or relatives will be safe, again, answer honestly.
You can say, “They are doing everything they can to stay safe” or “They are trying hard to stay safe, but right now we don’t know what will happen. War is scary for everybody”.
– If they ask, reassure your children that the war is far away and that they are safe in your home.
And if you have children over the age of eight, you can try these:
– Turn the TV news off and keep it off – again, for your own sake and for theirs.
– Keep adult conversations about the war either out of earshot of your children or limited to what you feel they can hear without becoming overwhelmed with fear.
– Address the situation directly with your children.
– Ask your children what they know about the war.
– Ask them what they think about the war.
– Ask them what their friends are saying about the war.
– Ask them what their friends have seen on social media about the war (sometimes it’s better to ask what friends are doing rather than asking your shile what he/she/they are doing).
– And If they ask, tell them what you think about the war. But try to stay as steady as you can during these conversations. This may be very hard. But, again, the most frightening thing for children of all ages is seeing their parents feeling overwhelmed or out of control.
– This can lead to a wider discussion about war in general. Or about the history of the relationship between Israel and the Palestinians. Or about the development of Hamas. These discussions can add much needed context for what is happening right now.
– If you are sad about the war, do not be afraid to share this. Even crying in front of your children is fine. It shows them one way to express the scared and upset feelings both you and they may have.
-If your children have their own cell phones, suggest that they check the news infrequently, if at all.
– If they are teenagers and/or if they are particularly interested in what is going on in Israel and Gaza, encourage them to look at the reliable news sites and to stay away from the sensationalized news – including stories and images on social media – and tell them why you don’t think it will be helpful for them to look at these sites. You can tell them openly that you feel these images are just too horrific and too upsetting for anyone of any age to look at. You can also say, that looking at the images plays into the terrorist’s desire to terrorize people. However, be prepared for the possibility that you will have limited influence with your teenagers’ viewing decisions.
– Check for signs of your older children overwhelming themselves with painful media. Try to be aware of whether they seem particularly anxious or overwhelmed. And if they do, sit down and talk about what they – and you – are feeling. Try not to argue over social media use and this sort of thing at this time.
– And try to take care of yourself. Try not to overwhelm yourself with information or with constant vigilance and discussion – if this is at all possible for you.
Sending fervent wishes for peace to all –
Corinne Masur
For more on this topic:
Further Resources:
How to Talk to Kids About What’s Happening in Israel Right Now:
(An overview of how to address age groups developmentally)
Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event: A recovery guide for parents, teachers, and community leaders
(From the Child Mind Institute)
Israel at War- Guidelines for Families and Individuals
(A guide from Ohel, a social service agency serving children and families in Brooklyn. )
Helping Children with Tragic Events in the News
(From PBS Kids)
Thoughtful Parenting 