Children

SCREEN TIME – AGAIN!!!

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Dr. Corinne Masur (Be sure to leave a comment below if you have something to say about screen time!)

In our parenting group on Friday one mother said, “at our house it’s always a battle about electronics”.

I think she speaks for 98% of all parents in the US. 

Once kids get on Youtube or once they are playing a game, they don’t want to stop. And in fact, it’s really hard to stop. 

So there’s either a battle – or there are frustrated parents shying away from a battle.

Parents are genuinely afraid to say no. Parents want to avoid a meltdown.

And this is doubly true in public. In our group, parents admitted to being afraid that if they say no when they are outside of the house, there will be a scene, a tantrum, yelling and screaming – and everyone will see it.

And then they will feel ashamed. 

The parents talked all about this. They admitted that sometimes they don’t set limits because they are afraid the ensuing battle will take away everyone else’s good time.

What if they are at a restaurant? Out with friends? Or on a trip with other families?

No one wants to be the parent who caused the meltdown that makes everyone else uncomfortable.

One mom said “I don’t think it’s healthy but that’s the way it is”.

Another parent said, “but if you let things go, it’s hard to make a change.”

This IS hard. 

If you don’t set limits early and often, kids are used to getting 10 more minutes…or an extra half hour. They persist at asking for more because they know sometimes they get it.

Parents are confused about what to do. Set a limit? Don’t set a limit? Give in to your child’s desire to stay on screen and give yourself another half an hour to look at your own phone? Or do the laundry? 

This is a conflict. Parents want and need more time for themselves. At the same time they want their kids to listen when they say, “It’s time to get off your screen”. 

Is it better to make a few rules? Ones that are just for your family – which don’t have to be like anyone else’s rules?

Or is it better to keep the peace?

Giving in sometimes and having established rules are not necessarily compatible. As we all learned in Intro to Psychology, the most reinforcing thing in the world is intermittent reinforcement. It’s better than all positive reinforcement and it’s better than all negative reinforcement – that is, if you want that behavior to persist, whatever that behavior is, rewarding it SOME of the time is the thing that will make it persist. In other words, if you give in sometimes, your child is even more likely to ask for more time on screen than if you say yes every time. Hard to believe – but true.

So what is a parent to do? You have a rule: 2 hours of screen time on Saturdays. But this particular Saturday you are sick and need a nap or you’ve been busy and you need time to catch up on work.  

It’s easier to give some extra screen time than to insist that your child find other things to do; it’s easier to give some extra screen time than to set up a playdate; it’s easier to give extra screen time than doing almost anything else!

We discussed all this in the group and in the end, the consensus seemed to be that it was important – to these particular parents – to figure out what worked for each of their own families. And then to try to be consistent. Some of them wanted to have no screens at meals at all. One mother wanted her kids to have no phones at all until age 13. But she was willing to let her 9 year old have an iwatch that couldn’t make calls. Two parents said phones at meals were OK as long as the kids ate their food before looking at the phone.

They all said they struggle with these questions – but they all also want more of a feeling of control in their homes.

Of course, you can’t entirely control your children. They are going to do some things and spend their time in some ways that aren’t your preference. But for their sake, and for your own, do you want to decide whether you WANT phones at meals or how many hours a day YOU want your children on devices?

You might find it worthwhile.

And you might want to stick by what you decide.

It’s hard to set limits, it’s hard to make rules and stick to them, it’s hard to say no and suffer the resulting melt downs – especially in public. But it is also important to think about whether it’s worth it. For you. And especially, in the long term, for your children.

All children have meltdowns sometimes. If you can tolerate your child’s meltdowns, and if you can allow them to happen because you’ve said no – you might actually find out that there will be fewer of them – and your child might – just might – get off her screen when it’s time. It’s not a guarantee. But there’s a chance.

Trickle Down Anxiety

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

By Dr. Corinne Masur

There is a theory in economics which says that benefits for the wealthy trickle down to everyone else. Whether you agree with this or not, don’t worry, because I am not going to be talking about economics here.

What I am going to talk about is the idea that one mother brought up in our parents’ group today. 

She said that she thought her daughter was affected by a term she invented: “trickle down anxiety”. 

And what she meant is that she thinks her own anxiety and that of her husband are affecting their daughter – and possibly even their infant son.

Just an hour earlier she had been talking about how unsafe the world feels right now with the wars and with the divisiveness in this country, including – especially – on several of our nearby campuses here in Philadelphia where there have been demonstrations and evidence of hate speech over the last several days. 

Another mother brought up how all of us lost our sense of safety during Covid and how now that we might just be getting back on our feet, we are facing new sources of anxiety – and even danger.

What are parents to do?

These ARE anxious times.

Well, there is no perfect answer to this question. 

But there ARE some things that could be helpful:

– First, just check in with yourself: Are you feeling anxious? Are you worried about the war in Israel and Gaza? Or the one in the Ukraine? Are you worried about the political situation in this country? Or the safety of your neighborhood? Are you worried about your child’s safety and well-being? Does this hit you in ways that overwhelm you? And is this beyond how you imagined you would feel as a parent? 

– Second, if you find that you ARE feeling anxious, take note of how this affects you: Does it make you more irritable? Does it make it hard for you to get to sleep or stay asleep at night? Are you interacting with your children or partner in a way that demonstrates your anxiety and/or irritability and/or tiredness? Are you getting in more arguments? Are you finding yourself disagreeing over small things? Or are you showing that you are anxious in other ways – do you look worried? Are you eating less? Or more? Are you checking your newsfeed more frequently than you used to? 

For most of us, the answers to some or even all of these questions is probably yes.

And if this is the case, acknowledge it: acknowledge it with yourself and then acknowledge this with you partner and children.

Even young children, three or over, can understand it if you say, “Mommy/Daddy has been more worried (or more tired) today, I’m sorry I was cranky with you”.

– Third, ask yourself whether your children are more anxious these days. Do you think they could be experiencing your anxiety and then feeling anxious themselves? Are they having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Are they more irritable than usual? Are they asking you any questions about whether you’re OK?

And finally, is there anything to do about all this?

Let’s me ask just a few more questions:

What do you need for YOUR anxiety? 

Because if you can get what you need, there might be less trickle down from you to your children.

Do you need more support from your partner or friends? Do you need a place to talk about your anxiety? Would talking for a bit after the children go to sleep (whether with your partner or with someone on the phone) help? Or might you consider cutting back on the amount of news you consume? Do you need to protect yourself from the media onslaught more than you are currently doing? Or does all of this sound insufficient and might you need to consult with a professional about your anxiety?

Think about it.

Our anxiety DOES affect our children. They feel it. It DOES trickle down And when the trickle reaches them they feel more anxious without even knowing why.

Once you have gotten some of your anxiety taken care of, talk to your children about how you’ve been feeling. See if they volunteer anything about how they’ve been feeling. Reassure them that even when you have worries, they are safe. 

Repeat this as often as necessary. 

The world is scary right now. But we can do some things to help ourselves and to reassure our children.

Talking To Your Children About the War in Israel and Gaza – Part I

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

By Dr. Corinne Masur

Mohammed Abed/AFP via Getty Images

Our world feels particularly frightening right now – two major wars, several smaller armed conflicts (Sudan, Ethiopia, The Sahel, the Mexican and Central American drug and gang wars) and so many natural disasters.

Do we talk with our children about these things?

And if so, how?

And more specifically, for those of us personally affected by the latest war in Israel and Gaza, how do we handle our own feelings and those of our children simultaneously?

I cannot pretend to have definitive answers. 

The attack on Israel came as a shock to all of us. 

The war there is just days old. And we are all trying to absorb and process the magnitude of the horror.

We may be filled with anxiety – or sadness – or anger. We may be feeling all of these emotions in succession and combination. 

When we hear what’s happening and see the images of beautiful young people who have been kidnapped or killed or the videos of devastation, we may feel physically ill. 

So how do we deal with our own emotions? And then how do we address the situation with our children?

I have some suggestions.

For those of us who are directly affected because we have family and friends in Israel or Gaza, the situation is the hardest. We have the competing interests of trying to track our loved ones while also wanting to protect our children from being overwhelmed by the events in Israel and by our own fear and horror.

We need to be free to experience our own feelings – while also needing to be in control for our children. Because we know that in order for our children to feel cared for and safe, they need to know that we are still able to be in control and in charge.

This is an extremely difficult dillemma.

And for others of us, not so directly affected, we are still full of emotion – outrage, fear, terrible sadness.

It is tempting for many of us to keep the news on all day, to check our newsfeeds on our phones and computers constantly, to read the newspaper and to talk about the war at home, on the phone and together with friends and family.

But is this the best thing to be doing – for ourselves? Or for our children?

Let me share my thoughts on this.

If you have children under the age of eight, for their sake, and for your own, try the following:

– Turn off the TV news and keep it off. Repeated exposure to violence, even on the television or phone, can be traumatizing – for adults as well as children.

– Even when the terrible events we see are not happening directly to us, we can be traumatized just by the act of seeing them or hearlng about them. This is called vicarious traumatization. 

– If you must check the news on your phone, do so in private – if you have to take a bathroom break to do so, then do that – and do so only a few times per day, if possible.

– Talk to friends and relatives about the war out of earshot of your children.

– Don’t think you can be in the same room with your children and talk in a low voice about the war – when you do this children often understand that there is something being said that they aren’t supposed to hear – and they will try very hard indeed to hear what it is.

– If you go to a restaurant with your children and they have the news on the TV over the bar, either go to a different restaurant or ask the waiter privately (ie, not in front of your children) if they would be willing to change the channel.

– Over the next few weeks, if your child is going on a play date at a friend’s house, ask the parents of the child your child is going to play with what they do in their home about having the TV on or talking about the war – before you child goes over.

– But also, be proactive. Talk to your children (starting with those around age 3 and up) directly about what is happening. 

– Tell them the facts in simplified form.  For example, “A group called Hamas started a fight with Israel on Saturday. Now Hamas and Israel are fighting and it is very hard for the people there.” You can add a few specific details about your friends and relatives – but not too many, and none that are graphic. And you can say, “Daddy and I are very worried about this”.

– Answer your children’s questions – and they will have many. 

– But keep it simple – and leave out the disturbing details.

-Use very simple language. Children this age do not know where the Middle East is or what a terrorist is. Leave out the facts about children and families being killed or taken hostage. These details are too frightening for young children.

– When they ask if your friends or relatives will be safe, again, answer honestly. 

You can say, “They are doing everything they can to stay safe” or “They are trying hard to stay safe, but right now we don’t know what will happen. War is scary for everybody”.

– If they ask, reassure your children that the war is far away and that they are safe in your home.

And if you have children over the age of eight, you can try these:

– Turn the TV news off and keep it off – again, for your own sake and for theirs.

– Keep adult conversations about the war either out of earshot of your children or limited to what you feel they can hear without becoming overwhelmed with fear.

– Address the situation directly with your children.

– Ask your children what they know about the war.

– Ask them what they think about the war.

– Ask them what their friends are saying about the war.

– Ask them what their friends have seen on social media about the war (sometimes it’s better to ask what friends are doing rather than asking your shile what he/she/they are doing).

– And If they ask, tell them what you think about the war. But try to stay as steady as you can during these conversations. This may be very hard. But, again, the most frightening thing for children of all ages is seeing their parents feeling overwhelmed or out of control.

– This can lead to a wider discussion about war in general. Or about the history of the relationship between Israel and the Palestinians. Or about the development of Hamas. These discussions can add much needed context for what is happening right now.

– If you are sad about the war, do not be afraid to share this. Even crying in front of your children is fine. It shows them one way to express the scared and upset feelings both you and they may have.

-If your children have their own cell phones, suggest that they check the news infrequently, if at all. 

– If they are teenagers and/or if they are particularly interested in what is going on in Israel and Gaza, encourage them to look at the reliable news sites and to stay away from the sensationalized news – including stories and images on social media – and tell them why you don’t think it will be helpful for them to look at these sites. You can tell them openly that you feel these images are just too horrific and too upsetting for anyone of any age to look at. You can also say, that looking at the images plays into the terrorist’s desire to terrorize people. However, be prepared for the possibility that you will have limited influence with your teenagers’ viewing decisions.

– Check for signs of your older children overwhelming themselves with painful media. Try to be aware of whether they seem particularly anxious or overwhelmed. And if they do, sit down and talk about what they – and you – are feeling. Try not to argue over social media use and this sort of thing at this time. 

– And try to take care of yourself. Try not to overwhelm yourself with information or with constant vigilance and discussion – if this is at all possible for you.

Sending fervent wishes for peace to all –

Corinne Masur

For more on this topic:

https://www.npr.org/2023/10/11/1205017249/how-to-talk-to-children-violence-israeli-palestinian-gaza-hamas

Further Resources:

How to Talk to Kids About What’s Happening in Israel Right Now:
(An overview of how to address age groups developmentally)
 
Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event: A recovery guide for parents, teachers, and community leaders

(From the Child Mind Institute)
 
Israel at War- Guidelines for Families and Individuals

(A guide from Ohel, a social service agency serving children and families in Brooklyn. )
 
Helping Children with Tragic Events in the News

(From PBS Kids)

Talking to Your Kids About Sex

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ 1 Comment

By Dr. Corinne Masur

Today in our parenting group one Mom brought up the fact that her son had asked if all girls have to have babies.

And another Mother told the story of her daughter asking how gay men have sex – while sitting at a holiday dinner with all the relatives.

So…we talked about when and how to talk to kids about sex.  

As it turned out, the girl who asked about how gay men have sex was sitting across the table from her uncle and his male partner.

This could have been awkward…

But, interestingly, it wasn’t. 

The Mom in question answered her daughter’s question and the uncles confirmed the answer.

This kind of openness is not possible in all families – but it was in this one because both the Mom and the uncles consider themselves sex positive and are fine talking about sex.

In some families, maybe even most families, there CAN be awkwardness. Some parents avoid the discussion. Some let school provide the forum for discussion. Some get books and use them to lead the discussion. 

Like the other Mother, the one whose son asked if girls have to have babies did not have a problem answering. Or perhaps this was an easier question.

But in our group this Mom did tell us the story of her own parents’ struggle with talking to her about sex. Her parents were immigrants and let’s just say the talk was extremely short and a pamphlet was involved.

There really is no one right way to talk with your children about sex. But it is important to do it.

Let’s break this down to make it easier:

If one of your goals is to help your children to not feel embarrassed or awkward about the subject, then you might want to try thinking about how you are going to approach the questions before they come up.

You may want to look at some books aimed at children your childrens’ ages – before your children (or you) need them.

You may want to talk with your partner about what you want to say when the questions come up.

And you may want to reflect on your own feelings about talking about sex, sexuality and bodies before you talk with your children. 

If you feel embarrassed or awkward, maybe you can try to reflect on why this might be. And perhaps you can think about what might make you feel less embarrassed or awkward.

But remember – the first time your child asks about their own anatomy or yours, about sex or about having babies, you do not have to make it into a big deal – you do not have to have what used to be called, “the talk”. 

Just answer the question at hand.

There can be many discussions about bodies and sex and sexuality over the course of your children’s childhoods. 

And if using a book is helpful to you in talking to your children, if this will make you feel more confident about the discussion, I have some suggestions (below).

 But also remember:

– Your child will ask about their body, other people’s bodies and sex when they are ready to know. You do not have to initiate the discussion.

– But the first questions usually come early. Two and three year olds want to know about bodies. Children are observant and curious at this age. And at this point, they are not usually asking about sex.  They just want to know why you look one way and they look another. They may want to know why you have breasts and they do not. Or why Daddy’s penis is bigger than theirs. Reassuring answers such as “we all have something – boys (or people assigned as male at birth if you prefer) have a penis and girls (or people assigned as female at birth) have a vulva and a vagina” or “you will have a big penis like daddy’s when you grow up” (for people assigned male at birth) are best. 

– As the questions pop up, just answer the specific questions your child is asking. Don’t feel pressure to say more until they ask further questions.

– Make your answers appropriate to your child’s age and in accordance with the culture of your family. For little kids, a simple, factual answer is best. For older kids you can add more detail.

– Use the correct names for the various body parts.

– As children get older, don’t be afraid to talk to them about the feelings around liking another person. Help them to distinguish between liking someone as a friend, liking someone for romantic reasons and liking someone because you are attracted to them. And when doing this, mostly just listen. 

– If your child “likes” someone for the first time, just ask them to tell you more about it. Ask them what it feels like to like someone.

– Once your child gets to be ten or eleven, you will probably have had numerous conversations about bodies and sex and sexuality. But if they haven’t asked, or if, for one reason or another, you have not explained very much to them, make sure your child, no matter their gender, knows about what happens with bodies as they mature. In this case, you can bring up the subject if they have not. Make sure they know about how breasts and penises grow and about when menstruation and ejaculation start to happen and why they happen.  And after you talk about these things, feel free to leave a couple of books in obvious places around the house so that they can find out more if they don’t want to ask again.  But hopefully, they WILL ask – again, and again, and again.

– By twelve, or thirteen (and you are the best judge of when to do this) if you have not already talked about how sex works, it’s time to do so. Or, if you have only explained it in the simplest of terms, it is time to go into more detail. Again, you can bring this up. At the same time, you can start to introduce the idea of consent into the conversation. The book by Al Vernaccio, listed below, will help you with how to present some of the ideas you may want to convey about various sexual possibilities and about consent. 

– And most importantly, make sure you tell your children that you are glad they asked the questions they asked and you are glad they were willing to listen to what you had to say – so that they will feel welcome to ask again in the future when they want to know more.

Helpful Books:

The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls

The Girl’s Body Book: Everything Girls Need to Know for Growing Up, Kelli Dunham

The Body Book for Older Girls, Cara Natterson

The Boy’s Body Book, Kelli Dunham

The Boy’s Body Book: Everything You Need To Know for Growing Up

For Goodness Sex: A sex positive book about raising healthy, empowered teens, Al Vernaccio

Fragmented Attention

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

By Dr. Corinne Masur

“Spending the majority of your day with fragmented attention can permanently affect your ability to sustain concentration.”

This is something that Cal Newport, Associate Professor at Georgetown University, said in a Ted Talk about why he has never had a social media account and why he turns off his notifications while he’s working on a project.

He talks and writes about the impact that social media and multiple sources of information have on our work habits, productivity and ability to concentrate. His premise is that jumping from email to Facebook to Slack feed, whether at work or at home, impairs our ability to actually do what we need to do in an efficient way as well as affecting our overall ability to sustain attention.

He calls shifting from doing a task at work to looking at an email a “context shift”. And in an interview in the New York Times Magazine last Sunday (1/29/23), he said that “even minor context shifts are poison” – by which he meant, that if you are writing a report at work and you stop to check a message, there will be a cost to your productivity. You will have to exert a large amount of mental energy to go from that message back to the report you were writing. And if you do this multiple times while writing the report, you will take longer and have to work harder to finish it.

Cal Newport advocates turning off your notifications and doing one thing at a time.

Old fashioned?  

Sure – 

but also, according to him, more efficient and more productive.

So what does that have to do with parenting?

Well, I would be remiss if I advised you to try to get your children to turn off THEIR notifications or if I suggested that you could actually get them to stop looking at their phones all the time. They won’t listen, they will argue, they will get angry – and we all know this.

BUT – there are a couple of things you CAN do.

First, you can start to adopt some of these habits yourself. And then you can talk about having done so IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN.  You can talk about whether or not this has helped you. 

There are numerous benefits to you here – you may actually find that you ARE more productive, and you may find that you feel less stressed.  Constantly trying to pay attention to several sources of communication and information all day long is stressful and anxiety provoking.

Second, while your children are young, you can insist that they put their cell phones (if they have them) in a basket while they do homework and at family meal time.  You can probably get away with this through junior high – or, if you are really good, through high school.  It will be hard, but if you persist, your children just might develop some good work habits that are more productive and less stressful for them.

Cal Newport’s Website: https://www.calnewport.com

Cal Newport’d Book: calnewport.com/books/deep-work/

Best Parenting Books 2022

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ 1 Comment

Here’s a round up of the top five best parenting books that were released in 2022. Happy reading!

Best New Books:

1) Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids by Mona Delahooke

“Based on years of clinical experience, this book offers a new approach to parenting that considers and centers the essential role of the entire nervous system, which controls children’s feelings and behaviors, in how to raise children.”

2) Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior by Sarah R. Moore

“A reflection on the body-brain connection in behavior and why our concept of “consequences don’t work for children, and what to do, within a positive framework, instead.”

3) Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide by Britt Hawthorne

“An essential guide to raising inclusive, antiracist children from educator and advocate, Britt Hawthorne.”

4) LGBTQ Family Building: A Guide for Prospective Parents by Abbie E. Goldberg

“This easy to read guide offers a comprehensive overview of parenting with regard to the specific complexities, joys, and nuances of being an LGBTQ+ person and parent.”

5) Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy 

“A comprehensive resource offering new techniques for modern parenting and how to raise kids to feel confident and resilient.”

And a few oldies but goodies:

(These are a few recommendations but this series continues all the way up to adolescence!)

Coming Home to New Traditions

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

By Victoria Cano

I was never a cooking kid. Despite the many invitations into their separate kitchens I always refused my parents offers to help cook. I never made paprikash csirke with my mom or baked ziti with my dad. The kitchen and all its mysteries was the domain of parents. Except on Christmas. Because on Christmas we didn’t cook. We baked. 

Cooking, to me, was the Wild West. Full of strange ingredients, relying on instinct and secret troves of knowledge. Baking was different. There were a key set of players that could be rearranged into a thousand different delicious things. There were steps, there was order, there was control. And as a kid, in that, I found magic. 

For the past seven years I have missed those baking Christmases. I wasn’t with EITHER parent – both because I lived abroad and because of the pandemic. 

For many people, like me, this will literally be the first holiday season they have together with family in years.

And while that is so so wonderful. It presents a challenge many of us weren’t expecting. In the absence of our routines, in a world turned topsy turvey, traditions were rearranged. Adapted. Transformed. As were relationships and rituals. 

Right before the pandemic my mother had gone on a few dates with a guy, I barely remembered his name. Now I know him as Peter, my stepfather, and the man who made her feel loved enough she decided to move in with him after twenty years living on her own. The era of going to my grandmother’s house for the holiday too has ended (she’s moving in with my mom.) And my father, who, over the 25 years of their divorce only ever lived down the road, is moving the day after Christmas to Albany, 3.5 hours away.

There is a part of me that just wants to yell ‘Stop! Hang on a second! Let me catch up.”

At first, I felt like that little kid being invited back into my parents kitchen to cook.I don’t understand. Where is everything as I left it? Where is it all going? 

I’m a thirty year old kid and having these questions, these before bedtime fears. So too may many of your little ones. Routine and ritual can be so beneficial and comforting to a child. 

Kids love baking. 

So how do we talk to our children, both little and big, about life, the holidays as they now are, about a world where traditions sometimes have to change and rearrange?

Every year as I was growing up, my mother and I celebrated advent (the entire December month long lead up to Christmas.) Since I was 18 and moved away, we haven’t had much of a chance to spend that time together. I haven’t gotten to read to her her favorite Christmas Story (A Child’s Christmas in Wales by Dylan Thomas.) 

This year I have. And when I sit on the couch to do so, my grandmother is there too. And before we begin, Peter lights the Chanukah candles and sings Maoz Tzur. Later tonight I’ll help my father finish packing, moving for the first time to a place that is his and no one else’s. As I sit and read, I can see the advent candles flickering side by side with our menorah. 

It is indeed a strange new world. And that can scare kids and their grownups (and grownup kids) alike. But in the strangeness, new beauty and new wonders can be found. And as I sit and read, looking at the glowing world around me, I am reassured that everything is going to be fine, that the kids are going to be alright. Because they’ll learn that old traditions mesh with new ones, and you can make something together, in which everyone is involved. And, from where I’m sitting, that’s a wonderful thing. 

After I finish reading, I’ll watch the candles go out, wrap my dad his presents to open in his new house, and later I’ll help with the cooking (and the baking!)

The Reincarnation Story

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

Tejal Toprani, MSW

Tejal Toprani Misra is a psychotherapist in part-time private practice and a most-time stay at home mom. She lives in Arizona with her spouse and two young sons.

In the 4th grade I had two best friends with whom I played at the back of the playground during recess.  

One Monday, my Korean Christian “best friend” asked me what I did on Sunday. I don’t remember what my answer was but it did not involve church.

“Why?” She asked. 

“Because I’m not Christian.” 

Eleven year old me was raised Hindu and I still am. 

We can break here for a quick religious education: For those of you who don’t know, Hinduism is the world’s oldest religion and the third largest religion behind Christianity and Islam. Hindus believe that God exists and that all human beings are divine. Hindus also believe in the importance of religious harmony among all things. Our religious place of worship is called a Temple and the word for “temple” is different depending on what your native Indian language is. 

Okay, back to the story: It’s Monday and I am at recess and my “best friend’s” response to my recollection of my Sunday was “You didn’t go to Church?” and I say “No I’m not Christian, I’m Hindu.” To which my “friend” replied, “If you’re not a Christian, you’re going to go to hell!” 

Eleven-year-old me was shocked. 

How could someone so affirmatively declare what was going to happen to ME in the after life? Who died and made her Queen? 

But all my eleven year-old self could blurt out was “Nooo I’m not!!!” Being told I was going to go to hell felt isolating and hurtful. I didn’t know what to do with this information. Our other best friend stood by listening. 

So when I went home that day I asked my Dad if we were going to hell when we die.

It bears mentioning that my Dad is the opposite of Mr. Rogers when it comes to explaining things to children. 

But hindsight is 20/20. 

My sweet, well intentioned Dad said that as Hindus, we don’t believe in hell. 

Whew! 

What a relief!

Now I can take this information back to Janet (oops!) and be exempt from any “Hell” she thought I was going to for not worshiping the same god as she did.

My bad! 

But my Dad didn’t stop there. He proceeded to tell me that Hindus believe that heaven and hell are all here on earth. Hindus serve out their karma for good and bad deeds here in cycles of reincarnation. He said, “When each life ends our souls come back in other living things like a spider, a cockroach or …. a warthog.” 

Eleven-year-old Tejal was freaking the F out! 

My Dad sensed my fear and tried to walk backwards away from this landmine by saying “Maybe you will come back as a bird.” 

To my parents credit there wasn’t a blueprint on how to handle these questions.. The great immigration cycle of Indians from India started in 1965, less than a 100 years ago. Up until recently there weren’t any childrens’ books or regular temple activities to teach young Indian American children like me about their culture and religion. 

I wish I had had the chutzpah to explain my background when my Christian “best friend” told me I was going to “Hell.” I didn’t have a rebuttal or an explanation of my own to share with her.

As a result, the experience really shaped me. It empowered me to learn more about my culture and religion. It then informed me to figure out how I was to educate my children on Hinduism. Even though I’m still afraid of coming back as a warthog in my next life, I’m doing my best to write a blueprint that works for me and our family.

INTENSIVE PARENTING – PART 2

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

Dr. Corinne Masur

Following up on my last post where I talked about intensive parenting, I would like to talk a little more about the subject.  

But this time I want to talk about one of the things that makes parenting intensive these days and one way to reduce the workload.

And to help, I want to quote Dawn Staley, former Temple University Women’s basketball coach, Olympic gold medallist, and Women’s Basketball Hall of Famer who was interviewed recently by Terry Gross on Fresh Air.

Dawn Staley made some interesting observations about parenting. 

She said that parents these days often cannot stand to see their children feel uncomfortable.  She said that the parents of her players often want to protect them from frustration or failure … or even minor discomfort. 

This takes A LOT of work on the parents’ part and is a questionable strategy for raising resilient, independent children.

She said:

“I find that just through my life, being uncomfortable, I found a way to grow. And I give that to our players. … I’ll give you an example. Most of the players that I coach, their parents, they don’t want them to hurt. Like, they don’t want them to be unhappy. They don’t want them to go through life hurting or failing… bad game, bad grade, just – break up with your (partner). Like, their parents don’t want them to go through that.

And I am the direct opposite of their parents. Like, I want them to do that. I want you to break up, have a breakup. I want you to have a bad game. I want you to fail the test because from those moments, growth is taking place. You find a way to not have those repeat performances in … your life. So sometimes my players – they struggle with me because I don’t treat them like their parents treat them.”

This is so profound – Coach Staley is suggesting that in her own life she grew from the times when she was uncomfortable – and she thinks her players can do the same.

This may sound sensible – and yet it is so hard to institute a similar policy with our own children – so hard to tolerate our own children’s frustration or pain. 

Letting children fail or fall or have a bad break up without rushing in to prevent it or to fix it is hard for parents.  We want our children to be happy and comfortable.  We want their lives to be smooth and easy.

But is this the best thing for our children?  And is it the best thing for us parents?

Will our children learn what they need to live their lives independently, and to survive frustrations and disappointments – if we don’t let them experience difficulty as they grow up?

I have written about this in other posts and no doubt I will write about it again.  But I think it is worth thinking about the answer it to these questions.

And I think it is likely that protecting our children too much is not a good parenting strategy – not only for our children but for us. 

Trying to cushion every fall (metaphorical or real) is a full time job even if you just have one child. And if you have more than one?  Well, that is total overload.

And taking this approach to child raising leaves very little time to be an adult outside of work, to talk to our partner, to be with our friends, to relax, to read, etc. 

To be good parents, we need time to refuel, including in the presence of our children – not just on nights out.

We need to do this partly for ourselves, and partly to show children that being an adult is not just one never ending string of chores and responsibilities. 

I just read a wonderful comedic memoir called, “Did Ye Hear Mammy Died” by Seamus O’Reilly.  In this book O’Reilly describes how his father raised him – and his ten siblings – after their mother died.

His father had eleven children. He raised them without help.  He never remarried.  But he did expect the older ones to watch the younger ones and perhaps, most importantly, he did expect them all to amuse themselves.

The author describes hours and days and weeks of boredom.  And he also describes all the reading and other activities he and his siblings dreamed up to do.

Their father did not sit on the floor to play with them.  He did not see it as his job to entertain them, except, perhaps on the occasional vacation. But he did keep an enormous library of books and videos (movies) in the house and he did insist that they spend time with each other and he also made sure that they knew what they were supposed to do and when they were supposed to do it.  He did wake them all up every morning and he did chauffeur them to their various clubs and choirs and classes and performances.  He made sure they got where they needed to be and he did have someone to clean up the house after them. But again, he did not feel it was his job to sit on the floor with them or to entertain them. He had his own interests and hobbies and activities that are well described in the book.

This is a fascinating story for so many reasons, not the least of which has to do with parenting.  

Reading this book, and listening to Dawn Staley gives us pause to think – and these two tremendous adults make clear how all encompassing AND how limited our current view of parenting is.

Parents’ lives today are arduous, in part because we have a hard time discriminating what our jobs are with our children and what we need to leave up to our children to do on their own. 

When our 16 year old gets a ticket, if we contact our friend who has an inside track on cancelling that parking or speeding ticket, will that teenager learn that it’s better not to speed or to park in an illegal spot?  

Or, if we pay the fine for them, again, will they learn anything from the experience?

The answer is obvious.

And the same goes for what will happen if we always jump in to help them to finish the school projects they have left to the last moment or when we write the college essay for them.  

We may feel the stakes are too high to let our child experience consequences.  If he doesn’t get a good grade in 6th grade, he won’t get into the higher level classes in middle school.  If she doesn’t write a good essay, she won’t get into the college she wants.

But we have to ask ourselves, how will our child learn to do what they need to do in life if they DON’T suffer the consequences when they fail to do these things? And why we are so worried about our child’s project or college essay or problem with a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner in the first place? 

We have to ask ourselves why we don’t think our children can sort these things out and what our children will miss out on learning if we sort everything out FOR them.

And then we need to think carefully about when and where we step in to help – and when and where we sit back, do our own thing, and let our children figure things out for themselves.

Is parenting too intensive? 

YES.  But perhaps we can do something about SOME of the load by looking at our own behavior.

And for the Dawn Staley interview, here it is in its entirety: 

https://www.npr.org/2022/06/06/1103287397/inspired-by-the-sixers-basketball-star-dawn-staley-forged-her-own-path-on-the-co

Translating Psychoanalytic Terms into Everyday Life:

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

Aggression in Our Children — It’s Not What You Think!

Most people think of aggression as a bad thing.

Especially when it comes to our children.

“He’s too aggressive” is something you do NOT want to hear from your child’s teacher!

However, it is important to consider other meanings of this word.

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, talked about people having two drives: the aggressive and the libidinal — or loving. He believed that these two drives motivated all human behavior.

Modern day psychoanalysts do not necessarily think this way anymore — but we do still think about aggression — and not necessarily in the way that you think.

Henri Parens, a wonderful child psychoanalyst, moved the field forward by MILES by talking about the aggressive drive as having more than one component.

He talked about the HOSTILE aggressive drive which is the one we normally think about.

And then he talked about the NON-HOSTILE, NON-DESTRUCTIVE aggressive drive. This is the one that provides motivation in life. It is the “oomph” that moves kids forward to learn, to be creative, to get up and DO! It is the thing that drives curiosity and exploration.

All kids need SOME aggression –

They need the first kind in order to be able to protect themselves and to stand up for themselves.

This is the kind of aggression that is built into our DNA in order to ensure that we survive as a species — as well as in our individual lives. Being able to fight back is not a bad thing! It is only when this form of aggression is expressed in excess or in situations that do not warrant it, that it becomes problematic.

And children need the second kind of aggression — the non-hostile, non-destructive type, to learn new things, to move forward in life, to achieve, to do MORE.

The non-hostile, non-destructive type of aggression is so important to kids to provide the motivation to do what they need and want to do. And some children have more of this than others. These are the children that are more active, more curious, more energetic and seem to want to just do MORE.

It sometimes feels like a burden to a parent to have a child like this —

BUT if you can help your child to channel this energy, to use it for productive purposes, if you can support their energy level by engaging in productive activities with them and encouraging them to engage in some on their own, if you can provide them with the materials and activities they need — whether legos or art supplies or science kits or music lessons or teams to play on or model airplanes to build, if you can set sufficient limits to help them to contain their energy and to channel it, you may find that you have a future CEO or artist on your hands!

For more on this subject, see Henri Parens’ book,

Aggression in Our Children