PART 2: Ambiguous Loss

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In the first installment of this series I told you about my forthcoming book, How Children Grieve: What Adults Miss and How They Can Help, and I offered some ideas about the small losses of everyday life which children experience. I talked about these small losses and how important is it for parents to try to tolerate their children’s sadness when they experience them.

In this installment I am going to talk about another kind of loss – the kind of loss kids can suffer without it necessarily being recognized, called “ambiguous loss”.

Ambiguous loss is loss that may not involve death. It is the loss that happens slowly, or the loss that occurs when something otherwise considered good is happening.

This kind of loss can involve a grandmother who is slowly losing her memory. It can involve missing a sibling who has gone away to camp or to college. It can involve a parent who has gotten a new job and has to work longer hours. It can even involve someone who is still present but who seems psychologically absent because they are depressed. Or it can involve the loss of someone who is not available because they are in mourning themselves, such as a father whose own father has died.

Pauline Boss coined this term as a result of her own childhood experience – and she wrote about it in her book,  Ambiguous Loss, Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief.

Boss grew up with a father who had emigrated from Switzerland. As a child, she noticed a pervasive sadness about him, but she did not understand where it came from. She felt that her father was absent sometimes when he was actually present. No one in her family talked about this. Only later in her life did she realize that her father’s sadness originated from having left his homeland and his family and that, as a sensitive child, she had picked up on his powerful missing feelings.

In the course of her research on the subject, Boss studied two types of families: one type being families in which the fathers were too busy working to take an active part in raising their children and the other type being the families of fighter pilots who were missing in action. In the first kind of family, she noted that the fathers were psychologically absent from their children’s lives but physically present. In the other type of family, the fathers were psychologically present but physically absent. She saw that each type of family lived in a kind of limbo where their losses were not really named but where there was sorrow and grief anyway.

It is Pauline Boss who defined ambiguous loss as a situation of unclear loss in which it is not known if a loved one is dead or alive, absent or present.

And she has pointed out that ambiguous loss is stressful and produces anxiety that blocks coping and understanding. 

We can extend the concept of ambiguous loss to describe the experience of most children and adults over the time of the Covid-19 pandemic, just as Pauline Boss did in her later book, The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change. 

Ambiguous loss was ubiquitous from 2020 to 2022. Even those of us who did not lose loved ones to illness lost other things during this time, including our normal way of life, our sense of safety, and our freedom to go where we pleased. And for the times of quarantine, we all lost our ability to be with friends and family, to go into school or work, and to go about our daily lives as we had previously.

For children who were born during this time, or for those who were small, opportunities to socialize with other babies and small children were lost. Opportunities to attend playgroups and pre-school were lost. For those who were older, the school experience was drastically different, and in many cases, not sufficient to promote age appropriate learning or socialzation.  

These are losses which we are beginning to name but which we don’t yet know enough about.

Even without a pandemic, ambiguous loss happens all the time. For example, ambiguous loss occurs when a teenager gets ready to go to college and then leaves. The teenager loses her childhood home and the proximity of her parents. The parents lose the everyday presence of their child. Siblings lose the presence of that sister or brother in the house.

Going to college is supposed to be a happy event. The teen is going there to study, to meet others, to learn how to be independent and to find out where their interests lie. But there are also many losses involved in this “happy” event.

Ambiguous loss also occurs as couples decide to separate and then move into different apartments or houses.

No one has died, but a way of life has ended. 

Ambiguous loss occurs when a child “graduates” from preschool to kindergarten or from middle school to high school. These kids are usually happy, they are excited, but they may also be anxious or sad. They are leaving behind the familiarity of the old building, the usual classmates, the well known routine.

And what about kids whose families decide to move to a “nicer” house or to a safer neighborhood? Or even those kids who must emigrate from their homes to move to a safer location within their country because their town is under attack? Or those who must move to another country because their country is at war?

For the adults involved, these moves make sense. For the children, this sort of move may feel unwanted, scary, even devastating.

Ambiguous loss is a sort of loss which is much subtler than loss due to death. But it is still painful, and it is still felt by children and adults alike. These losses are not always acknowledged—and unacknowledged losses are harder for people to process.

 As Pauline Boss says, “Ambiguous loss is always stressful and often tormenting.”

 In the decades following Boss’s original research, she treated the families of Alzheimer’s patients, families whose loved ones had died in natural disasters but whose bodies had never been recovered, and the families of those lost on 9/11. She said that for these families, their losses existed without any conclusion or resolution. She talked about the grief in these families as often being “frozen.”

And similarly, the grief of many children who have had a sibling leave for camp or college or the military, or who have left a home for a supposedly better or safer home may end up with certain of their feelings about the experience left unacknowledged and frozen.

We need to take the trouble to try to recognize children’s otherwise unacknowledged losses, to speak about them with the child and to support the child’s feelings about the loss, whatever these feelings may be. In other words, we need to bring these things up – even if our children are not talking about them. We can initiate the conversation, we can talk about similar losses we have experienced, we can talk about our own feelings … and then we can see what the child does with this and follow their lead. Do they seem to need to talk more? Or do they seem satisfied?

In reading Pauline Bosses books and in thinking about the concept of ambiguous loss I have come to appreciate some of the ambiguous losses that I experienced early in my own life: the strange absence of grandparents who didn’t live so far away but who almost never came to visit, the sudden disappearance of the old red chair in the basement which was my favorite place to curl up, my father’s slow retreat into work and long naps, my mother’s strange helplessness after my father’s early death. None of these were discussed – or even mentioned. But I reflect on them at the ripe age of 69, realizing that I would have been better off if they could have been talked about and if my feelings about them could have been elicited and acknowledged. 

***************

In Part 3 of this series, I will talk about children and death.

On July 3rd, my new book called How Children Grieve will come out – and in honor of the occasion, I am starting a 4 part series on loss.

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https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/738355/how-children-grieve-by-corinne-masur

Part 1

The Losses of Everyday Life

Everywhere you look, someone is either writing or podcasting about how you should be raising your children. You should be more gentle; you should be less gentle. Your children need to develop an understanding of feelings; your children are overprotected and unprepared. Whether you are reading Sarah Ockwell-Smith or Johthan Haidt, you will find that you are doing it all wrong.

What’s a parent to do?

Well, if you ask me, it’s not one or the other. Sometimes children need limits and sometimes they need help understanding their own feelings and the feelings of others.

We don’t want to over protect our children so they are unprepared for what life is really like nor do we want to overexpose them to disappointment and difficulty.

So, again, what’s a parent to do?

Well, I would like to start with just one subject. And that is the subject of loss. 

Children – all children – experience losses and disappointments in their lives and we do not need to protect them from these or from the feelings that result from these. 

But we do need to prepare them and to help them when these losses happen.

We need to prepare them for both the little losses and the big losses so that as they mature, they will be able to handle what comes their way.

We don’t like to think about it, but children suffer losses all the time. And they need to be able to manage when these losses occur.

A friend doesn’t show up at school because she’s sick. Another friend moves away over the summer. A beloved stuffed animal is left behind on a trip. A promised adventure to the amusement park is cancelled due to rain.

These are small losses, but losses all the same.

So, do we go out and buy a new stuffed animal right away? Do we call the teacher and tell her how sad our child is that her friend is out sick? Do we try to introduce our sad child to other kids as soon as we find out her friend is moving? Do we substitute a trip to an indoor trampoline park instead of the amusement park?

You might be tempted to do one of these things.

But how about holding off?

Our job, as parents, is not to protect our children from experiencing loss, nor from the feelings accompanying loss.

What we need to do is to help our children with their losses, whether big or small, and we need to start early.

We need to convey that yes, it is sad to lose a stuffed animal or to miss a friend or to lose a much hoped for day at the amusement park – but we also need to convey that these losses can be survived.

Little losses are the best place to begin – because they lay the groundwork for dealing with bigger losses which will certainly come along at some point.

We should try to avoid giving our children the impression that life is always good.

Because it isn’t.

And we want our children to be able to feel what they feel when life isn’t good, and to be able to talk about it (if they want), and eventually to be able to move on.

The problem is that often these small losses are not spoken about. 

For the obvious ones like the loss of the stuffed animal, parents are often tempted to make the sadness go away by replacing the lost toy.

But why not let your child feel sad for a while?

Part of the problem with this is that for parents, it can be hard to tolerate a child’s sad feelings. It is painful for us.

But try to take a moment.  This is our job – we just have to try to allow the sadness and to show that WE can survive it ourselves. 

If we can tolerate our child’s sadness, this will help them to tolerate their own sadness.

And a missed friend or a missed day of fun?

Let’s also let them be sad.  Let’s try not to “make it all better”. Let’s talk about how sad and hard these things are. Let’s share times when we suffered in the same way. And let’s tolerate our children’s sadness and disappointment – and let them know that these things will happen from time to time in their lives.

And what about less obvious losses? The ones that we might not notice but which children are suffering with? 

They are what Pauline Boss calls “ambiguous losses” and I will talk about these in Part 2 of this series.

Another in a long series about electronic media and your children!

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Dr. Corinne Masur

The other day one of the mothers I work with told me that while she was playing with her son, she picked up her phone to look at a text. He told her to put her phone down. He knew that her attention to the text was taking her away from him.

And how old is he?

Two.

This little boy is two years old and he already feels like he has to compete with Mommy’s phone for her attention.

Imagine what a five year old feels. Or a ten year old.

No wonder kids want their own phones. And no wonder they’re wanting them earlier and earlier.

It’s hard to buck this trend. 

Kids are asking for phones early in their lives. But if you want to be able to put off their phone ownership, or, if once they own one, you want to be able to limit their usage, the first thing you really need to do is to be more aware of your own phone usage – especially in the presence of your children.

One thing that I find particularly worrisome is the way that some parents use their phones when feeding their babies. Parents may think it doesn’t matter. What does a newborn notice? If you use your phone while nursing or, while bottle feeding, perhaps you feel like it doesn’t matter.

But, like with the two year old I mentioned, and like with the five year old or the ten year old, it’s more about what you aren’t doing than what you are doing.

With a newborn, what you aren’t doing is looking into their eyes, being present with them, feeling their soft skin, smoothing their little bits of hair. 

And what you aren’t doing is necessary for building connection and attachment – theirs and yours.

So, will they remember that you were on your phone while feeding them? No. But will it affect them that you weren’t as present as you might have been, that they missed that face to face, direct eye contact that can sometimes occur with feeding? Yes, I think it will.

And I do not say this to induce your guilt. I just say this to encourage all parents – including the parents of newborns and young babies – to limit your phone time to times when your baby or child or teen is not with you – or when they are napping or sleeping or when you absolutely have to take a call or a text.  

And if you do absolutely have to do one of these things in the presence of your toddler or your older child, explain why you are doing it.

This will make it much easier later when and if you decide to put limits on your child’s screen usage – and it will also be better for your relationship with you child – and theirs with you.

SCREEN TIME – AGAIN!!!

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Dr. Corinne Masur (Be sure to leave a comment below if you have something to say about screen time!)

In our parenting group on Friday one mother said, “at our house it’s always a battle about electronics”.

I think she speaks for 98% of all parents in the US. 

Once kids get on Youtube or once they are playing a game, they don’t want to stop. And in fact, it’s really hard to stop. 

So there’s either a battle – or there are frustrated parents shying away from a battle.

Parents are genuinely afraid to say no. Parents want to avoid a meltdown.

And this is doubly true in public. In our group, parents admitted to being afraid that if they say no when they are outside of the house, there will be a scene, a tantrum, yelling and screaming – and everyone will see it.

And then they will feel ashamed. 

The parents talked all about this. They admitted that sometimes they don’t set limits because they are afraid the ensuing battle will take away everyone else’s good time.

What if they are at a restaurant? Out with friends? Or on a trip with other families?

No one wants to be the parent who caused the meltdown that makes everyone else uncomfortable.

One mom said “I don’t think it’s healthy but that’s the way it is”.

Another parent said, “but if you let things go, it’s hard to make a change.”

This IS hard. 

If you don’t set limits early and often, kids are used to getting 10 more minutes…or an extra half hour. They persist at asking for more because they know sometimes they get it.

Parents are confused about what to do. Set a limit? Don’t set a limit? Give in to your child’s desire to stay on screen and give yourself another half an hour to look at your own phone? Or do the laundry? 

This is a conflict. Parents want and need more time for themselves. At the same time they want their kids to listen when they say, “It’s time to get off your screen”. 

Is it better to make a few rules? Ones that are just for your family – which don’t have to be like anyone else’s rules?

Or is it better to keep the peace?

Giving in sometimes and having established rules are not necessarily compatible. As we all learned in Intro to Psychology, the most reinforcing thing in the world is intermittent reinforcement. It’s better than all positive reinforcement and it’s better than all negative reinforcement – that is, if you want that behavior to persist, whatever that behavior is, rewarding it SOME of the time is the thing that will make it persist. In other words, if you give in sometimes, your child is even more likely to ask for more time on screen than if you say yes every time. Hard to believe – but true.

So what is a parent to do? You have a rule: 2 hours of screen time on Saturdays. But this particular Saturday you are sick and need a nap or you’ve been busy and you need time to catch up on work.  

It’s easier to give some extra screen time than to insist that your child find other things to do; it’s easier to give some extra screen time than to set up a playdate; it’s easier to give extra screen time than doing almost anything else!

We discussed all this in the group and in the end, the consensus seemed to be that it was important – to these particular parents – to figure out what worked for each of their own families. And then to try to be consistent. Some of them wanted to have no screens at meals at all. One mother wanted her kids to have no phones at all until age 13. But she was willing to let her 9 year old have an iwatch that couldn’t make calls. Two parents said phones at meals were OK as long as the kids ate their food before looking at the phone.

They all said they struggle with these questions – but they all also want more of a feeling of control in their homes.

Of course, you can’t entirely control your children. They are going to do some things and spend their time in some ways that aren’t your preference. But for their sake, and for your own, do you want to decide whether you WANT phones at meals or how many hours a day YOU want your children on devices?

You might find it worthwhile.

And you might want to stick by what you decide.

It’s hard to set limits, it’s hard to make rules and stick to them, it’s hard to say no and suffer the resulting melt downs – especially in public. But it is also important to think about whether it’s worth it. For you. And especially, in the long term, for your children.

All children have meltdowns sometimes. If you can tolerate your child’s meltdowns, and if you can allow them to happen because you’ve said no – you might actually find out that there will be fewer of them – and your child might – just might – get off her screen when it’s time. It’s not a guarantee. But there’s a chance.

Teens and Social Media – AGAIN!

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This post is by Ana Hagstrand

Ana is a psychologist in private practice in Philadelphia. She is the mother of three children and she enjoys outdoor adventures.

At what age should we let kids use social media?

As a clinical psychologist and mother of three, I’ve been grappling with this question. My oldest child is 13 and he claims that everyone has Snapchat except him. 

Looking at the scientific research, the wider mental health trends, and what I know about adolescent development, I’ve decided he will have to wait until he’s at least 15.

Here’s why: 

First, there are concerning trends in adolescent mental health. The rates of teen anxiety, depression, and suicide have risen significantly over the last decade. Numerous studies show that teens report persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness at significantly higher rates and that mental health professionals are diagnosing higher rates of depression. Most alarming is that the suicide rate for 10-14 year olds increased 139% for girls and 70% for boys over the last decade. And what does this have to do with social media?

Adolescent mental health started to decline sharply in 2012, which is the year that we started using the word “selfie” and the year that Facebook acquired Instagram. 

Is there evidence that social media has played a role in these worrisome mental health trends?

Yes. 

You may recall that Facebook was initially only for college students and was rolled out at different colleges at different times over the course of two years before opening up to the general public. One study found that the rates of anxiety increased by 20% and the rates of depression increased by 7% at each college in the year following the introduction of FB. 

Several recent studies actually demonstrate causation, not just correlation between social media use and decreased mental health, and the apparent pathway is social comparison. In other words, use of social media causes people to engage in more social comparisons and fear of missing out (FOMO) and this in turn increases depressive symptoms and decreases self-esteem, body image, and self-perceived social acceptance. 

And it has been found that the harmful effects of social media are stronger (worse) for girls.

Some of the studies I just referenced were done on young adults, and it’s important to consider that there are several reasons why social media may affect adolescents even more than it affects adults. During adolescence, the brain regions associated with attention, feedback, and reinforcement from peers become more sensitive as teens navigate identity formation, acceptance, and social status. This is a normal part of adolescent development, but with so many peer interactions occurring online for all to see and possibly even enshrined forever on people’s social media feeds, the stakes seem higher than they were pre-social media. If adults feel pressure to curate a certain image on social media, of course it’s even more fraught for teens.

Teens have always had a tendency to think they have an audience that notices their every blemish, and we used to try to quell their anxieties by telling them that no one is paying nearly as much attention to them as they think. Now that argument doesn’t work. 

Social media, which started out as a vehicle for social connection seems to have turned into a way of quantifying social status.

So why do I recommend waiting until age 15? 

One large study in the U.K. found developmental windows of increased sensitivity to the harmful impact of social media. Apparently, the onset of puberty and the onset of adulthood are especially vulnerable times: age 11-13 for girls, age 14-15 for boys, and age 19 for all genders.

I’m under no illusion that we can control our children’s online activity at age 19, but let’s try and hold out until at least age 15. When many teens in a community are on social media, it impacts everyone negatively, even those who don’t use it, so I think it’s worth thinking through this together as a community of parents. Most of us have felt the dopamine-fueled pull of social media on our adult brains, and I doubt we will regret holding out a little longer before unleashing it onto our kids. 

Adolescence, with all its developmental tasks and hormones is certainly hard enough.

References:

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-022-29296-3(Developmental windows)

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27940701

(national trends depression)

https://www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/data.html

(national trends anxiety)

https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/101761

(national trends suicide)

Makarin, Alexey. American Economic Review, Volume 112, No. 11, 2022

(Facebook rollout study)

Kleemans, Daalmans, Carbaat, & Anschütz (2018). Picture Perfect: The Direct Effect of Manipulated Instagram Photos on Body Image in Adolescent Girls. Media Psychology. 

(manipulated photos on IG lead to worse body image in girls)

González-Nuevo, C., Cuesta, M., Postigo, Á., Menéndez-Aller, Á., & Muñiz, J. (2021). Problematic Social Network Use: Structure and Assessment. International journal of mental health and addiction.

(social comparisons on SM and depression)

Samra, A., Warburton, W. A., & Collins, A. M. (2022). Social comparisons: A potential mechanism linking problematic social media use with depression. Journal of Behavioral Addictions.

(social comparisons on SM and self-esteem)

Lee (2022). The effects of social comparison orientation on psychological well-being in social networking sites: Serial mediation of perceived social support and self-esteem. Current Psychology. 

(social comparisons on SM and mental health)

Burnell, George, Vollet, Ehrenreich, & Underwood (2019). Passive social networking site use and well-being: The mediating roles of social comparison and the fear of missing out. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace.

(causal pathway: passively using SM🡪social comparisons and FOMO🡺worse mental health)

https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-020-00296-x

(social media in a community hurts everyone)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w-HOfseF2wF9YIpXwUUtP65-olnkPyWcgF5BiAtBEy0/edit

(causation, girls)

Trickle Down Anxiety

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By Dr. Corinne Masur

There is a theory in economics which says that benefits for the wealthy trickle down to everyone else. Whether you agree with this or not, don’t worry, because I am not going to be talking about economics here.

What I am going to talk about is the idea that one mother brought up in our parents’ group today. 

She said that she thought her daughter was affected by a term she invented: “trickle down anxiety”. 

And what she meant is that she thinks her own anxiety and that of her husband are affecting their daughter – and possibly even their infant son.

Just an hour earlier she had been talking about how unsafe the world feels right now with the wars and with the divisiveness in this country, including – especially – on several of our nearby campuses here in Philadelphia where there have been demonstrations and evidence of hate speech over the last several days. 

Another mother brought up how all of us lost our sense of safety during Covid and how now that we might just be getting back on our feet, we are facing new sources of anxiety – and even danger.

What are parents to do?

These ARE anxious times.

Well, there is no perfect answer to this question. 

But there ARE some things that could be helpful:

– First, just check in with yourself: Are you feeling anxious? Are you worried about the war in Israel and Gaza? Or the one in the Ukraine? Are you worried about the political situation in this country? Or the safety of your neighborhood? Are you worried about your child’s safety and well-being? Does this hit you in ways that overwhelm you? And is this beyond how you imagined you would feel as a parent? 

– Second, if you find that you ARE feeling anxious, take note of how this affects you: Does it make you more irritable? Does it make it hard for you to get to sleep or stay asleep at night? Are you interacting with your children or partner in a way that demonstrates your anxiety and/or irritability and/or tiredness? Are you getting in more arguments? Are you finding yourself disagreeing over small things? Or are you showing that you are anxious in other ways – do you look worried? Are you eating less? Or more? Are you checking your newsfeed more frequently than you used to? 

For most of us, the answers to some or even all of these questions is probably yes.

And if this is the case, acknowledge it: acknowledge it with yourself and then acknowledge this with you partner and children.

Even young children, three or over, can understand it if you say, “Mommy/Daddy has been more worried (or more tired) today, I’m sorry I was cranky with you”.

– Third, ask yourself whether your children are more anxious these days. Do you think they could be experiencing your anxiety and then feeling anxious themselves? Are they having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Are they more irritable than usual? Are they asking you any questions about whether you’re OK?

And finally, is there anything to do about all this?

Let’s me ask just a few more questions:

What do you need for YOUR anxiety? 

Because if you can get what you need, there might be less trickle down from you to your children.

Do you need more support from your partner or friends? Do you need a place to talk about your anxiety? Would talking for a bit after the children go to sleep (whether with your partner or with someone on the phone) help? Or might you consider cutting back on the amount of news you consume? Do you need to protect yourself from the media onslaught more than you are currently doing? Or does all of this sound insufficient and might you need to consult with a professional about your anxiety?

Think about it.

Our anxiety DOES affect our children. They feel it. It DOES trickle down And when the trickle reaches them they feel more anxious without even knowing why.

Once you have gotten some of your anxiety taken care of, talk to your children about how you’ve been feeling. See if they volunteer anything about how they’ve been feeling. Reassure them that even when you have worries, they are safe. 

Repeat this as often as necessary. 

The world is scary right now. But we can do some things to help ourselves and to reassure our children.

Talking To Your Children About the War in Israel and Gaza – Part I

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By Dr. Corinne Masur

Mohammed Abed/AFP via Getty Images

Our world feels particularly frightening right now – two major wars, several smaller armed conflicts (Sudan, Ethiopia, The Sahel, the Mexican and Central American drug and gang wars) and so many natural disasters.

Do we talk with our children about these things?

And if so, how?

And more specifically, for those of us personally affected by the latest war in Israel and Gaza, how do we handle our own feelings and those of our children simultaneously?

I cannot pretend to have definitive answers. 

The attack on Israel came as a shock to all of us. 

The war there is just days old. And we are all trying to absorb and process the magnitude of the horror.

We may be filled with anxiety – or sadness – or anger. We may be feeling all of these emotions in succession and combination. 

When we hear what’s happening and see the images of beautiful young people who have been kidnapped or killed or the videos of devastation, we may feel physically ill. 

So how do we deal with our own emotions? And then how do we address the situation with our children?

I have some suggestions.

For those of us who are directly affected because we have family and friends in Israel or Gaza, the situation is the hardest. We have the competing interests of trying to track our loved ones while also wanting to protect our children from being overwhelmed by the events in Israel and by our own fear and horror.

We need to be free to experience our own feelings – while also needing to be in control for our children. Because we know that in order for our children to feel cared for and safe, they need to know that we are still able to be in control and in charge.

This is an extremely difficult dillemma.

And for others of us, not so directly affected, we are still full of emotion – outrage, fear, terrible sadness.

It is tempting for many of us to keep the news on all day, to check our newsfeeds on our phones and computers constantly, to read the newspaper and to talk about the war at home, on the phone and together with friends and family.

But is this the best thing to be doing – for ourselves? Or for our children?

Let me share my thoughts on this.

If you have children under the age of eight, for their sake, and for your own, try the following:

– Turn off the TV news and keep it off. Repeated exposure to violence, even on the television or phone, can be traumatizing – for adults as well as children.

– Even when the terrible events we see are not happening directly to us, we can be traumatized just by the act of seeing them or hearlng about them. This is called vicarious traumatization. 

– If you must check the news on your phone, do so in private – if you have to take a bathroom break to do so, then do that – and do so only a few times per day, if possible.

– Talk to friends and relatives about the war out of earshot of your children.

– Don’t think you can be in the same room with your children and talk in a low voice about the war – when you do this children often understand that there is something being said that they aren’t supposed to hear – and they will try very hard indeed to hear what it is.

– If you go to a restaurant with your children and they have the news on the TV over the bar, either go to a different restaurant or ask the waiter privately (ie, not in front of your children) if they would be willing to change the channel.

– Over the next few weeks, if your child is going on a play date at a friend’s house, ask the parents of the child your child is going to play with what they do in their home about having the TV on or talking about the war – before you child goes over.

– But also, be proactive. Talk to your children (starting with those around age 3 and up) directly about what is happening. 

– Tell them the facts in simplified form.  For example, “A group called Hamas started a fight with Israel on Saturday. Now Hamas and Israel are fighting and it is very hard for the people there.” You can add a few specific details about your friends and relatives – but not too many, and none that are graphic. And you can say, “Daddy and I are very worried about this”.

– Answer your children’s questions – and they will have many. 

– But keep it simple – and leave out the disturbing details.

-Use very simple language. Children this age do not know where the Middle East is or what a terrorist is. Leave out the facts about children and families being killed or taken hostage. These details are too frightening for young children.

– When they ask if your friends or relatives will be safe, again, answer honestly. 

You can say, “They are doing everything they can to stay safe” or “They are trying hard to stay safe, but right now we don’t know what will happen. War is scary for everybody”.

– If they ask, reassure your children that the war is far away and that they are safe in your home.

And if you have children over the age of eight, you can try these:

– Turn the TV news off and keep it off – again, for your own sake and for theirs.

– Keep adult conversations about the war either out of earshot of your children or limited to what you feel they can hear without becoming overwhelmed with fear.

– Address the situation directly with your children.

– Ask your children what they know about the war.

– Ask them what they think about the war.

– Ask them what their friends are saying about the war.

– Ask them what their friends have seen on social media about the war (sometimes it’s better to ask what friends are doing rather than asking your shile what he/she/they are doing).

– And If they ask, tell them what you think about the war. But try to stay as steady as you can during these conversations. This may be very hard. But, again, the most frightening thing for children of all ages is seeing their parents feeling overwhelmed or out of control.

– This can lead to a wider discussion about war in general. Or about the history of the relationship between Israel and the Palestinians. Or about the development of Hamas. These discussions can add much needed context for what is happening right now.

– If you are sad about the war, do not be afraid to share this. Even crying in front of your children is fine. It shows them one way to express the scared and upset feelings both you and they may have.

-If your children have their own cell phones, suggest that they check the news infrequently, if at all. 

– If they are teenagers and/or if they are particularly interested in what is going on in Israel and Gaza, encourage them to look at the reliable news sites and to stay away from the sensationalized news – including stories and images on social media – and tell them why you don’t think it will be helpful for them to look at these sites. You can tell them openly that you feel these images are just too horrific and too upsetting for anyone of any age to look at. You can also say, that looking at the images plays into the terrorist’s desire to terrorize people. However, be prepared for the possibility that you will have limited influence with your teenagers’ viewing decisions.

– Check for signs of your older children overwhelming themselves with painful media. Try to be aware of whether they seem particularly anxious or overwhelmed. And if they do, sit down and talk about what they – and you – are feeling. Try not to argue over social media use and this sort of thing at this time. 

– And try to take care of yourself. Try not to overwhelm yourself with information or with constant vigilance and discussion – if this is at all possible for you.

Sending fervent wishes for peace to all –

Corinne Masur

For more on this topic:

https://www.npr.org/2023/10/11/1205017249/how-to-talk-to-children-violence-israeli-palestinian-gaza-hamas

Further Resources:

How to Talk to Kids About What’s Happening in Israel Right Now:
(An overview of how to address age groups developmentally)
 
Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event: A recovery guide for parents, teachers, and community leaders

(From the Child Mind Institute)
 
Israel at War- Guidelines for Families and Individuals

(A guide from Ohel, a social service agency serving children and families in Brooklyn. )
 
Helping Children with Tragic Events in the News

(From PBS Kids)

Talking to Your Kids About Sex

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ 1 Comment

By Dr. Corinne Masur

Today in our parenting group one Mom brought up the fact that her son had asked if all girls have to have babies.

And another Mother told the story of her daughter asking how gay men have sex – while sitting at a holiday dinner with all the relatives.

So…we talked about when and how to talk to kids about sex.  

As it turned out, the girl who asked about how gay men have sex was sitting across the table from her uncle and his male partner.

This could have been awkward…

But, interestingly, it wasn’t. 

The Mom in question answered her daughter’s question and the uncles confirmed the answer.

This kind of openness is not possible in all families – but it was in this one because both the Mom and the uncles consider themselves sex positive and are fine talking about sex.

In some families, maybe even most families, there CAN be awkwardness. Some parents avoid the discussion. Some let school provide the forum for discussion. Some get books and use them to lead the discussion. 

Like the other Mother, the one whose son asked if girls have to have babies did not have a problem answering. Or perhaps this was an easier question.

But in our group this Mom did tell us the story of her own parents’ struggle with talking to her about sex. Her parents were immigrants and let’s just say the talk was extremely short and a pamphlet was involved.

There really is no one right way to talk with your children about sex. But it is important to do it.

Let’s break this down to make it easier:

If one of your goals is to help your children to not feel embarrassed or awkward about the subject, then you might want to try thinking about how you are going to approach the questions before they come up.

You may want to look at some books aimed at children your childrens’ ages – before your children (or you) need them.

You may want to talk with your partner about what you want to say when the questions come up.

And you may want to reflect on your own feelings about talking about sex, sexuality and bodies before you talk with your children. 

If you feel embarrassed or awkward, maybe you can try to reflect on why this might be. And perhaps you can think about what might make you feel less embarrassed or awkward.

But remember – the first time your child asks about their own anatomy or yours, about sex or about having babies, you do not have to make it into a big deal – you do not have to have what used to be called, “the talk”. 

Just answer the question at hand.

There can be many discussions about bodies and sex and sexuality over the course of your children’s childhoods. 

And if using a book is helpful to you in talking to your children, if this will make you feel more confident about the discussion, I have some suggestions (below).

 But also remember:

– Your child will ask about their body, other people’s bodies and sex when they are ready to know. You do not have to initiate the discussion.

– But the first questions usually come early. Two and three year olds want to know about bodies. Children are observant and curious at this age. And at this point, they are not usually asking about sex.  They just want to know why you look one way and they look another. They may want to know why you have breasts and they do not. Or why Daddy’s penis is bigger than theirs. Reassuring answers such as “we all have something – boys (or people assigned as male at birth if you prefer) have a penis and girls (or people assigned as female at birth) have a vulva and a vagina” or “you will have a big penis like daddy’s when you grow up” (for people assigned male at birth) are best. 

– As the questions pop up, just answer the specific questions your child is asking. Don’t feel pressure to say more until they ask further questions.

– Make your answers appropriate to your child’s age and in accordance with the culture of your family. For little kids, a simple, factual answer is best. For older kids you can add more detail.

– Use the correct names for the various body parts.

– As children get older, don’t be afraid to talk to them about the feelings around liking another person. Help them to distinguish between liking someone as a friend, liking someone for romantic reasons and liking someone because you are attracted to them. And when doing this, mostly just listen. 

– If your child “likes” someone for the first time, just ask them to tell you more about it. Ask them what it feels like to like someone.

– Once your child gets to be ten or eleven, you will probably have had numerous conversations about bodies and sex and sexuality. But if they haven’t asked, or if, for one reason or another, you have not explained very much to them, make sure your child, no matter their gender, knows about what happens with bodies as they mature. In this case, you can bring up the subject if they have not. Make sure they know about how breasts and penises grow and about when menstruation and ejaculation start to happen and why they happen.  And after you talk about these things, feel free to leave a couple of books in obvious places around the house so that they can find out more if they don’t want to ask again.  But hopefully, they WILL ask – again, and again, and again.

– By twelve, or thirteen (and you are the best judge of when to do this) if you have not already talked about how sex works, it’s time to do so. Or, if you have only explained it in the simplest of terms, it is time to go into more detail. Again, you can bring this up. At the same time, you can start to introduce the idea of consent into the conversation. The book by Al Vernaccio, listed below, will help you with how to present some of the ideas you may want to convey about various sexual possibilities and about consent. 

– And most importantly, make sure you tell your children that you are glad they asked the questions they asked and you are glad they were willing to listen to what you had to say – so that they will feel welcome to ask again in the future when they want to know more.

Helpful Books:

The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls

The Girl’s Body Book: Everything Girls Need to Know for Growing Up, Kelli Dunham

The Body Book for Older Girls, Cara Natterson

The Boy’s Body Book, Kelli Dunham

The Boy’s Body Book: Everything You Need To Know for Growing Up

For Goodness Sex: A sex positive book about raising healthy, empowered teens, Al Vernaccio

PHUBBING?

~ Thoughtful Parenting ~ Leave a comment

By Dr. Corinne Masur

Last Sunday (8/13/23) the print edition of the New York Times had a small article on “phubbing” and its effect on romantic relationships.

Maybe you already knew what phubbing is – but I did not.

It is the word for looking at your phone while someone is talking to you – in other words, snubbing someone by using your phone.

We’ve all done it and we’ve all had it done to us.

But if we admit it, it’s hurtful. 

Who likes to be talking and notice that the other person is looking down at their phone?

And it turns out that in romantic relationships too much of this can lead to arguments. 

In The Times, psychologist Anthony Chambers was quoted as saying that couples should talk explicitly about their phone use and make clear boundaries.  If one partner feels hurt when the other looks at their phone when they are together, then this needs to be talked about. Guidelines need to be set up about when it is OK to go on phones and when it is hurtful.

But what about kids?  We cannot expect them to sit down with us and say, “Dad, I feel hurt when you look at your phone when you’re with me.”  

So how do we know if they DO feel hurt?

Well, I think we can assume that they do.

Looking at your phone rather than looking at your child as they play at the playground or while you are playing with them at home is always a temptation. 

But perhaps it’s time to think about how your child perceives this.

Might they feel that what’s on the phone is more important than they are?

Might they feel that what they’re doing is not interesting to you?

Might they wish for you to be paying more attention?

My suspicion is that the answer to all of these questions is “yes”.

Children over the age of two do not need your constant attention – but they do need to to feel that you are interested in them and what they are doing when you are with them, especially when you are playing with them or having a meal with them.

I know, I know. Everyone looks at their phones all the time. 

But still, how about thinking about what this communicates to your child and what boundaries make sense for you to set when you are with your children?  

Can you leave most of your phone scrutiny to when your children are in bed?

Can you let go of the desire to post a particularly cute photo of your child and just be with your child instead?

Can you put your phone aside at meal time and when you’re at the playground or playing on the floor at home?

These are questions to consider. And it might help to think about the consequences if you do not.

Many children feel they have to compete with their parent’s phones. Acting out can be one way to get parental attention if a child feels that their parent is not engaged with them.

Low self esteem can be fueled by feeling that so many things are more important than you are, including a phone.

And the desire to have a phone at younger and younger ages might just have something to do with seeing how much time Mom and Dad spend on their phones and how much they seem to value and enjoy this time.

So think about it.

And, if you HAVE to be on your phone when you’re with your children for an important work matter or for some other important reason, try doing as psychologist Katherine Hertlein suggests, and narrate what you’re doing. For example, if a work call comes in, you can say, “Oh, something important has just come up at work, I need to text my boss for a minute” or “Aunt Jenny is texting about her doctor’s appointment, let me just get back to her quickly”. This may help to let your children know that you will only break away from your activity with them for an important matter, rather than as a continual habit.

And for the full story on Phubbing from the NYT, see below: