Do Smartphones Encourage Anxious Attachment?

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This week, we were talking about smartphones in our parents’ group. Specifically, we were talking about how parents use them to contact their kids all day long. Afterward, one mother commented that perhaps our fondness for our phones has to do with attachment.Maybe having a phone with us, and being able to contact our loved ones at a moment’s notice, has to do with our need to stay connected, and in particular, our old, infantile wish to always be able to be in close proximity to our mothers. As John Bowlby said, this is a matter of survival for all infants – going back to our primate roots, crying in order to make sure our mother comes to us made sure we were not left behind in the forest. Staying connected was crucial!

The mom who brought up this issue is in training to be a psychoanalyst herself. She remembered being told by her psychoanalyst-mentor, that he thought that people carried water bottles and phones everywhere these days because they were a way to gratify our early wish to stay attached to Mommy, and therefore to feel safe and secure.

But is there a cost to adults of relying so much on phones, of indulging in this regressive kind of behavior?

Is it useful to us, psychologically speaking, to be able to contact everyone all the time?

Are we meant, as adults, to remain so tethered to one another throughout our daily lives?

Prior to about 2010, parents often did not know exactly where their children were and they couldn’t necessarily get in touch with them right away. The same with partners and spouses. People had to accept this and tame whatever anxiety they might have had about their loved ones’ whereabouts and activities.​ Prior to smartphones we had to rely on our object constancy, and our internalized images of our loved one, that is, our ability to keep our loved ones in mind, in order to keep them with us (psychologically speaking) throughout the day.

Aditionally, prior to the advent of smartphones, people had more autonomy. And they had more privacy. If they so chose, they could spend time without anyone knowing where they were. They could not be tracked and they could not be called.

Now, we can text or call almost anyone at any time. And if a parent texts a child or teen, they expect to hear back within a matter of minutes. And if they don’t? There’s panic – or anger – or both. Where is he? Why isn’t he getting back to me? What’s going on?

The mother I mentioned at the beginning of this post suggested that smartphones promote anxious attachment. And I thought this was a brilliant idea. Of course, this is an extension of the original concept of anxious attachment – but I think the term can be useful, if loosely applied here. It is true that we expect to be able to contact and know the whereabouts of those we love at all times. And it is also true that we seem to be unable to trust in the ongoing being of our loved ones. Our ability to hold them in our minds with a feeling of confidence that they are alright and will return to us has been dramatically reduced. We check and we check and we check on one another all day long.

Much has been written about attachment styles, and a great deal of what has appeared in popular literature and online is inaccurate. The originator of this term and the person who did the initial research which led to the coining of the term was psychologist and researcher, Mary Main. She defined anxious attachment as an insecure attachment style that develops when a caregiver is inconsistently available, leading the child to become highly distressed when separated from the caregiver but not comforted by their return. This style is rooted in the child’s uncertainty about whether their needs will be met, causing them to be preoccupied with the relationship, constantly seeking reassurance and often showing clingy or demanding behaviors. 

But these days, it’s the parents who show an anxious attachment style. And perhaps smartphones have something to do with this. When our children are inconsistently available, it makes us distressed. We expect to hear back from our kids and our partners immediately after we text or call them. And if we don’t, we become anxious. Perhaps this is like the babies who cry or call out for their mothers and are sometimes left without a response from her. If this happens often enough and for long enough, the infant or toddler can feel that the parent is unreliable, and they can feel worried about whether their mothers will come to care for them. In fact, they can worry about their very survival; they can feel insufficiently cared for. And they can become anxiously attached.

Perhaps it is the intermittent nature of the text messages from our children and other loved ones which makes ​adults feel the same way. Anxious. Unsure. Wanting to hear back immediately. And we all know that intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement. The behavior which is intermittently reinforced increases. Hence more calling and​ more texting. 

If thwarted in their desire to contact their kids or partners, parents can become the ones demonstrating demanding behavior. They are the ones who become clingy and anxious.

We have become so used to being able to locate one another at all times that our emotional muscles have gotten flabby. We ​no longer rely on our internalized images of our loved ones, we no longer utilize our capacity for object constancy. We are no longer able to tolerate uncertainty about exactly where a child or a partner is. We have become unable to wait to hear a report about how the test went or how the day was.

Is ​it good for us as parents to be so tethered to our phones – and to our children?

And is it good for kids to be so tethered to their phones – and to us? 

And what does this do to the development of kids’ feelings of independence, autonomy and responsibility? And to adults’ feelings of trust and confidence in our kids, and in each other?

These questions may not have definitive answers, but they are worth thinking about.

And as for what you might want to do about this as a parent, how about asking your children, teens, and college-aged kids about how often they want to be in touch? How about asking if they mind that you track them? How about asking what they feel is intrusive and what they find helpful? And if they seem to be the ones texting a lot, how about talking about why this might be and if there are some worries behind this?

Kids of all ages need to feel competent, they need some independence (how much will depend on their age), and it is worth discussing how to promote and encourage this.

And parents, it may be time to reevaluate how much you text and track and check and expect from your kids and from each other. 

What is TikTok Doing to Us?

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The Washington Post conducted a poll of TikTok users and found that over a period of several months, their use, on average, doubled or tripled. For some, it even quadrupled (1).

How does TikTok (and other social media) do this?

According to The Post, a 51-year-old user said, “There are times when I know I should stop scrolling and get work done or go to sleep, but it’s so hard to stop, knowing the next swipe might bring me to a truly interesting video.”

He said that although he had never been addicted to drugs, alcohol, or nicotine, his TikTok use felt like an addiction to him.

We can all relate to this.

And if it is true of us as adults, how much harder must it be for kids and teens to pull themselves away from TikTok – and other social media?

The deck is stacked against us, regardless of our age.

TikTok uses a personalized algorithm to appeal to each person’s tastes, but according to The Post, we know very little about these algorithms and how they do what they do.

So the Post collected data from 1100 TikTok users in order to look at how much time people spend on the app, how many times a day they look at the app and how much time each person waits before moving on to the next video.

They found some amazing things:

First, it takes only watching 260 videos (which can be done in as little as 35 minutes) to form a habit of watching the app. 

Second, after just one week of app use, daily watch time grew an average of 40%.

And third, the more people used the app, the faster their swipe time became.

What are the implications here?

Well for adults as well as for kids, according to The Post, time spent on TikTok replaces time spent doing more productive activities.

This is pretty obvious.

But what is not as obvious are some of the other things that happen when TikTok users spend more and more time on the app.

According to some experts, with increased TikTok and similar app use, self-control decreases, compulsive behaviors increase, losing track of time increases, and using the app while with others also increases.

What conclusions are we to draw from this?

Well, people think that they control TikTok. They think that by swiping past videos they aren’t interested in, they can train the app to give them videos that they like better and they can curate what they watch.


And while this may be correct, the greater truth seems to be that TikTok is controlling us – to watch more, to watch longer, and to watch compulsively, even when we know we have better things to do.


The videos are fun to watch. And the more they become tailored to the watcher’s interests, the more the watcher enjoys themselves, and the more time they are inclined to watch.


And this is true for kids and teens, too.

But the costs are high.

Researchers have found that immersion in a world created by TikTok and Instagram is associated with higher levels of depression and anxiety. And while people may think they are using the apps as a beneficial escape from everyday worries, going on them is absolutely not the best coping strategy. In fact, it has been found that people not only feel more depressed and anxious (2) with app use but they also often feel more bored after using the apps as well as feeling ashamed for having wasted their time.

So – what can you do for yourselves and your kids?


1. Set a daily time limit for how much time you want to devote to TikTok and other social media.


2. Help your kids to do the same. Don’t lecture them about it. Don’t tell them to do it. Just ask them how much time they would like to spend on the apps each day. Ask them if they think going on the apps gets in the way of doing other things. Then ask them if they would like to set a time limit for their use. And if you are setting a limit for yourself, tell them. And if you struggle to stick to it, tell them this too.


3. Look into third-party apps to block or restrict your ability to open the app – and let your kids know you are researching this.


4. Ask your kids if they would like to use one of these apps to help them stay off TikTok and other social media while doing homework and other activities.


5. Promote family time where phones are put away, put in the middle of the table or left at home. This means you, too! And while you are doing these activities, ask your kids their opinions about things. Have discussions. Lots of swiping can inhibit independent thought – and you definitely want to promote critical thinking and the development of personal opinions – about politics, about social issues, about relationships….and about app use.

Good luck.

Cutting down on TikTok use and the use of other social media is extremely difficult, not unlike fighting other kinds of habits and dependencies. It takes time and effort…and repeated backsliding to accomplish.


References

1. https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/interactive/2025/tiktok-addiction-algorithm-scrolling-mental-health/?utm_campaign=wp_post_most&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&carta-url=https%3A%2F%2Fs2.washingtonpost.com%2Fcar-ln-tr%2F453509f%2F68e53a68fe87267da2488670%2F63caa51aa2ddf36a686dd4c3%2F14%2F67%2F68e53a68fe87267da2488670

2. Roberts JA, David ME. Instagram and TikTok Flow States and Their Association with Psychological Well-Being. Cyberpsychol Behav Soc Netw. 2023 Feb;26(2):80-89. doi: 10.1089/cyber.2022.0117. Epub 2023 Jan 30. PMID: 36716180.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36716180/

Talking to Your Kids About Porn

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Dr. Corinne Masur

It’s time to recycle and update this post from 2018.

But – you aren’t going to want to read this, even though you need to.

Kids and porn – it’s a difficult subject.

Parents don’t want to believe that their kids are watching porn. 

But…your kids are probably watching porn.

Common Sense Media reports that by 13 – 17, a majority of kids have watched porn.

And I’ve had patients as young as seven who admitted that they had gone to a porn site and watched “sex.”  This was accompanied by giggling and embarrassment.  But behind the giggling was confusion over what sex is and why people are all watching this stuff.

Older kids, from ages 10 through adolescence, may understand more about the meaning of the word sex and why people watch porn – but don’t assume that they have accurate ideas about either.

A teacher at Philadelphia’s Friends Central School, Al Vernaccio, teaches sexual literacy starting in elementary school.  He begins by talking about puberty to the 4th and 5th graders, continues with discussions about romantic crushes with the middle school kids, and in high school, he talks about the question: what is sex? 

Surprisingly, he finds, there is confusion over the answer.  He allows his students to ask questions anonymously at the beginning of every class by submitting written messages to him. He answers these questions and then continues his classes by talking about a range of issues: the meaning of sex, the meaning of consent, the misinformation gained from watching pornography, etc.

Is this novel? Does this happen at your child’s school? Would you want it to?

Surprisingly, says Vernaccio, parents of his students are asking kids if they can read what he assigns for homework.  The parents are hungry for information about how to talk to their children, as well as how to have relevant conversations about an online world in which everything is accessible.

Vernaccio was raised Roman Catholic, attended parochial school and St. Joseph’s University, and obtained a degree in theology. Strange that he would have a career in teaching that involves teaching sexual literacy? Not so much.  When Vernaccio was 19 he told his parents that he was gay and, unable to talk about it themselves, they told him to talk to their priest. He’s quoted in Philadelphia Magazine as saying that his parents missed out on a huge portion of his life because they didn’t know how to talk with him about his sexual identity. This is one reason that Al Vernaccio teaches sex education today; he wants to help other kids and parents to be able to talk together about what he and his parents were unable to talk about.

This man is on a mission to help kids to learn about the multiple meanings of the word “sex,” to learn about the use and misuse of power in sexual relationships, and to understand some very basic things about themselves as sexual beings. When defining the word “sex,” he uses the analogy of pizza (and his classroom is filled with pizza posters, bumper stickers about pizza, etc). He says that sex is more than one act; instead, it’s like choosing toppings for your pizza. There are lots of options and each person participating should have a say in which options are chosen.

Ultimately, Vernacchio’s approach to sex education is simple: If we can talk about sex, we can make smart choices about sex. Yet it feels revolutionary in a society that has largely failed to initiate the conversation.

So if you think your child may have watched pornography online, or if you think they might, or even if you’re still convinced they haven’t – it’s time to start the conversation with your child or teen. And before you do, it’s important to know that many kids and teens feel guilty and ashamed about watching porn. So when you bring it up, do two things: normalize watching porn and generalize about watching porn. And what I mean by this is that you can say, “A lot of kids your age have watched porn. And most kids your age are curious about bodies and sex and they think porn is a good way to find out about this stuff.” But then you can go on to tell them that what’s available online can be confusing and that what they see when they watch porn is not like real life. The bodies shown in porn are not like average, everyday bodies and some of the things done in porn videos are not the things regular people expect to do. Discuss how movie or porn sex can be very different from “real-life sex”. Tell them that porn sets up unrealistic expectations for what sex is really like.

Encourage your kids to ask you questions about sex and identify trusted online sources of information for them. And talk about how to think critically about pornography, whether it is realistic or not, whether it is really helpful or not and whether it represents what people really want when they share intimacy together.

According to Common Sense Media, while less than half (43%) of the teens in their research reported that they had conversations about pornography with a trusted adult, most who did have these conversations said it encouraged them to find other ways to explore their sexuality besides pornography.

And the Common Sense Media report concludes by saying, “Educating kids and teens to be discerning about all content they see online is an important aspect of digital literacy, and that’s certainly true with pornography. When it comes to learning about sexuality, kids and teens need to see healthy, realistic, and age-appropriate storylines about relationships, attraction, and sex. Parents, educators, and industry leaders can help guide kids to higher-quality content and put the right protections in place to allow kids to explore the digital world safely.”

For additional information:

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/kids-action/articles/teens-are-watching-pornography-and-its-time-to-talk-about-it

https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/blog/growing-up-with-pornography-advice-for-parents-and-schools/#:~:text=By%20age%20nine%2C%2010%25%20had,self%2Desteem%20as%20young%20adults.

https://www.phillymag.com/news/2018/06/01/al-vernacchio-friends-central-school-sex-education

Does Your Kid Need a Luxurious Dorm Room?

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Photo by Alethea Jay

Evidently there is a TikToc trend where people post photos of luxe dorm rooms. 

And evidently kids heading off to college soon see these and want them.

Or, some kids do.

According to The Washington Post, some almost college-students are having their dorm rooms wallpapered, they are getting luxury linens, bed skirts, curtains and framed wall art. And, once they arrive at college, their parents are spending hours putting these rooms together.

Some families are even creating registries so that friends and relatives can give luxury items for the dorm room in advance.

What happened to posters put up with tape and sheets and a comforter you didn’t have to worry about?

Or, for my generation, an old camp blanket, the worst sheets in the house and a trunk for the rest of your stuff?

Not anymore.

Some parents are spending $5 -10,000.

So, I wonder…what does this trend mean?

What is it kids are looking for when they insist on outfitting their rooms this way?

And how do the kids who can’t afford these luxuries feel when they see these rooms? 

This leads to a related question:

What are kids and parents trying to accomplish with these rooms?

One designer suggested that custom outfitted rooms would be cozier and prevent homesickness. 

Let’s reflect. The idea that the nicer the dorm room is, the less a teen will miss home is interesting. Is what kids miss when they go to college the comfort of home, or even the luxury of home (when they come from luxurious homes)? Well, perhaps this is some of what they miss. 

But also, homesickness is part of the college experience. It is part of the point of college. At 17 or 18, at least in our culture, many kids leave home in order to go to college to continue their education – but also to continue the separation-individuation process. They go to college to learn more about how to be independent, to broaden their persepectives, to figure out what they think and what they want for their own lives. 

Being homesick is part of leaving. It is part of separating. Missing what was is a necessary part of creating a self that is different from the former self. Missing parents and comforts and familiar friends is a part of mourning the life of childhood.

So, parents, when you send your child off to college, or when you take them to college, think about what message you are sending: if you move everything in for them, if you supply them with lots of new stuff for their dorm room, even lots of luxurious stuff – what are you communicating? Might you be telling them you don’t think they came make the move on their own? Might you be telling them they don’t REALLY have to leave home? Might you be communicating that they can just take home with them? Might you be telling them that they still need you and what you can provide?

Of course, in some ways, your kids DO still need you when they go to college. But you want to encourage them to not need you in all the ways they used to when they were younger. You want to communicate that you have faith in their abilities – even if they don’t have that faith yet.

And remember to check your own feelings as you make those pre-college purchases. Are you giving in to too many requests out of your own feeling of sadness at their going? Or your own anxiety about their going? Or your own fear regarding their ability to separate successfully? Or might you be feeling guilty because you are looking forward to a little more peace and quiet?

Think about it.

For more:

The Over-the-top World of Dorm Decorating, Jenny Singer, The Washington Post, Aug. 19, 2025.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/home/2025/08/19/luxury-dorm-decorating/?utm_campaign=wp_post_most&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&carta-url=https%3A%2F%2Fs2.washingtonpost.com%2Fcar-ln-tr%2F443dc6d%2F68a4a32985d30e1ccc076beb%2F63caa51aa2ddf36a686dd4c3%2F14%2F66%2F68a4a32985d30e1ccc076beb

What Kids Say Would Get Them Off Their Phones

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Recently, The Atlantic published a fantastic article about kids and phones in which the authors uncovered what kids in our country really want to be doing with their time.

To look at this question, Lenore Skenazy, author of Free-Range Kids, Zach Rausch, senior research scientist at NYU, and Jonathan Haidt, renowned social psychologist, helped to conduct a Harris Poll in which kids themselves were asked what would get them off their phones and what kinds of activities they prefer.

The results?

Kids want unstructured time to play with their friends.

And their parents aren’t allowing this.

We blame phones, we blame social media, we blame gaming for kids not playing outside and with friends more, but it seems to be time to look at ourselves.

In the poll, 500 kids between 8 and 12 were asked for their opinions. A majority reported having smartphones, and about half of the 12-year-olds said their friends are on social media.

Kids spend more time than we would like on these devices. But what light did the poll shed on this?

Most of the kids polled said they aren’t allowed out in public without an adult. Over half of the 8- and 9-year-olds said they aren’t allowed to go down a grocery aisle alone, and over a quarter are not allowed to play unsupervised with friends.

So what has childhood become, if not a time to play? Well, it seems it has become a series of curated classes and activities aimed at structured learning and eventual success. But what about what we know about experiential learning? The kind of learning that takes place when kids are hands-on, when they make judgments for themselves, when they have to solve problems on their own?

We know that experiential learning is an effective form of learning—and a necessary part of a child’s education. We know, as David Kolb, psychologist and learning theory specialist, said, that the acquisition of knowledge can best be done through direct experience, reflection, and application. Listening to someone tell you how to do something is not as good a way to learn how to do it as trying to do it for yourself. And we know that making mistakes is a better teacher than being warned not to make mistakes. Trying to jump from one rock to the next and falling teaches caution. Being told not to make that jump teaches a child not to try risky things.

Parents have always wanted their children to be careful and avoid harm. But for some reason, parenting has recently become a never-ending surveillance activity. Parents feel they have to be on hand at all times to teach, to warn, and to protect, or they need to put their children in activities where other adults serve the surveillance function.

And why are parents doing this?

Well, it is clearly because of their love for their children—and their anxiety. Parents are so anxious that their children are going to get hurt or kidnapped that they are preventing their children from having unsupervised time. And they feel this way despite the facts. Crime is down in many places, and kidnappings are extremely rare. Of course, each parent needs to assess his or her own neighborhood, but in many areas, more free outside play just cannot be considered dangerous.

And the thing is, kids who are kept inside at home are going to go onto their phones if they have them.

So what is a parent to do?

Well, first, I think parents need to look at their own anxieties to see where they come from and whether they are fact-based.

Second, parents need to think about how they were raised and what kind of play activities they liked and learned from.

Third, parents need to try to allow more unstructured time for their children to play with other kids. Parents will need to make efforts at first to quell their own anxiety about doing this, and then they will need to find opportunities for free play that they feel are reasonable for their own situations.

Fourth, parents need to look for opportunities in their own communities for children to get together and play without too much imposed structure. Is there a park or a program nearby? A community pool or a rec center? Is there a playground where kids can be left for an hour or two?

In Piedmont, California, a network of parents started dropping their kids off at the park every Friday to play unsupervised. Elsewhere, churches, libraries, and schools are creating screen-free “play clubs.” To ease the transition away from screens and supervision, the Outside Play Lab at the University of British Columbia developed a free online tool that helps parents figure out how to give their kids more outdoor time, and why they should.

As Skenazy, Haidt, and Rausch say, “Granting (kids) more freedom may feel uncomfortable at first. But if parents want their kids to put down their phones, they need to open the front door.”

Kids want to be with their friends—and if they can’t do it in person, they’re going to do it online.

References

www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2025/08/kids-smartphones-play-freedom/683742/

The Oldest Sister Syndrome

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We all know—or had—an older or oldest sister, or we are one, or we have a child who is one, and we know what that looks like: bossy, rule-bound, impatient, controlling, perfectionistic, stubborn, a general know-it-all who needs to be right.

These people can be annoying, even infuriating.

And to be one can be painful.

The oldest sister who tries to control her younger siblings, and then later in life, tries to control others, can be difficult to be around. No one really wants to be bossed, controlled, or to be told they’re wrong. And the superior attitude? Not fun.

At the same time, it is important to remember that the oldest sister may be suffering. She can experience a great deal of internal pressure feeling that she has to be “good,” or that she has to go by the rules and be helpful—and she may feel these are her only ways to get approval.

These traits may be annoying to others but at the same time it is also true that being an older or oldest sister may bring with it some positive attributes. Often oldest sisters have real leadership ability, a strong drive for success, a heightened sense of justice and fairness, and they may be both responsible and conscientious

These are generalities – and one may well wonder: are they true? Does being the oldest girl in the family actually lead to developing these characteristics? Is this a real thing? Is it an actual diagnosis? And has it been written about in the professional mental health literature?

Well, there is no diagnosis called “Oldest Sister Syndrome,” but it has been written about.

Alfred Adler wrote about birth order as long ago as the early 1920s. He believed that social influences were the main determinants of personality and said that children are significantly influenced by their position in the birth order of the family. He believed that a child’s position could affect their perception of themselves and their interactions in the world.

Interestingly, Adler’s own life story may have contributed to his theory. He had been a sickly child who suffered from rickets, while his older brother (the oldest child in a family with seven children) was healthy. Adler recalled an early memory of watching his older brother capering on the beach with ease and feeling intensely jealous of him, inferior to him physically, and rivalrous with him.

Adler later went on to write about the characteristics of each birth order position. He said that the oldest child initially receives all of the parental attention, and then feels “dethroned” when the second child is born, forced to share their parents’ attention with the new baby, and resultingly feeling resentment and hostility toward the younger child – and any that come along subsequently.

Others have written about eldest-daughter syndrome as well. One article described how eldest girls often feel angry about about being asked to help with younger siblings, and how some even say that their childhoods were stolen from them as a result of the added burden of helping to care for the younger children. Sharing is often hard for them. They are prone to feeling that they have gotten less, or that they have been cheated. They often feel that the younger children in the family get “more” than they do. Competition can become a lifelong theme, with oldest daughters repeatedly needing to “win” or achieve in order to get the praise they feel they need. This may repeat a childhood pattern where they either sought or actually received praise for helping out or being more mature than their younger siblings.

And what’s more, oldest girls, and oldest children in general, are raised by parents who are less experienced than subsequent children. Often first time parents are not as aware of how to manage an infant as they are with their second and third babies. Moreover, first-time parents can be quite anxious. They worry about how they are going to keep this baby alive, having never done so before. And they warry about each and every little thing that happens with this, their first baby. The anxiety and the attention to all the details of their baby’s development can lead the baby to feeling anxious themselves and they may grow to expect attention to their every ache and pain – so that later loss of such attention can feel especially jarring. And because of the added scrutiny, oldest children can also feel especially judged – which then leads to a feeling of needing to do things the “right” way.

You may recognize these characteristics if you are an oldest sister, or if you had one. And if you are the parent to one, here are some things you can do to help:

  • Make a point of being aware of who your oldest daughter is as a person, not just as your helper. Make sure you tell her what you like about her as an individual. Let her know that you see and appreciate her, not just for the help she gives you or for the things she does. You do not want her to feel that her ability to help is the one good thing about her and you do not want her identity to become just that of a “helper”. If she is artistic, notice this and comment on her work in a positive way. If she likes to read, notice this and comment on how much you like this about her. Keep the comments about her as an individual going through her teen years.
  • This does not mean you should refrain from asking her to help you. Having children help out at home is a part of daily life—and it is a good part. They learn that things are expected of them and that they can make meaningful contributions to family life. But when your daughter helps you, acknowledge this and thank her.
  • Encourage positive interactions between your daughter and her siblings. Praise her if she is loving or playful with her sibs. And if she tends to be negative with them, show her how to be nice. No lectures—just model for her how to be kind to them and notice when she does so.
  • Occasionally, do something alone with your oldest daughter. You do not have to call this “special” time, just make a point of doing it now and then and telling her how much you enjoy spending time just with her.
  • Occasionally bring up recollections of what it was like when she was your only baby.
  • An oldest girl can feel preempted by her siblings. She can feel that life is unfair and that the younger ones get more than she does. Remind her that when she was a baby, you did all the same things for her that you are doing for your younger children. Tell her stories about what it was like when she was a baby and what you used to do for and with her.
  • And, perhaps most importantly, talk to your daughter about her feelings – not in a punitive way, but in an understanding way. If you notice her being mean to her younger siblings or being particularly competitive with them, take her aside and talk to her about how hard it can be to be an oldest child, and how infuriating her siblings can be for her. If you were in that position or if you know others who were, tell her a story about the feelings that can be involved. Help her to understand her own feelings and help her to work on them.

And good luck with helping your oldest girl. It’s sometimes not easy being an older sister!

Is AI Dangerous for Kids and Other Vulnerable People?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

In my last post, I discussed my concerns about how some kids are using AI. I talked about how children and teens are starting to use chatbots to do their homework and to solve interpersonal problems. And I talked about how unfortunate it would be if our kids were to habitually outsource their problem-solving and essay writing to ChatGPT or similar platforms.

How naive I was!

If only those were the worst problems associated with AI! As it turns out, those concerns pale by comparison with recent news.

For example. The MIT Tech Review reported that the platform, Nomi, told a man to kill himself. And then it told him how to do it. [1]

This man was Al Nowatzki and he had no intention of following the instructions, but out of concern for how conversations like this could affect more vulnerable individuals, he shared screenshots of his conversations and of subsequent correspondence with MIT Technology Review. [1]

While this is not the first time an AI chatbot has suggested that a user self-harm, researchers and critics say that the bot’s explicit instructions—and the company’s response—are striking. And Nowatzki was able to elicit the same response from a second Nomi chatbot, which even followed up with reminder messages to him. [1]

Similarly, The New York Times reports that ChatGPT has been known to support and encourage odd and delusional ideas. In at least one case, ChatGPT even recommended that someone go off their psychiatric medications.

What is especially disturbing is the power of AI platforms to pull people in. Tech journalists at The New York Times uncovered the fact that certain versions of Open AI’s chatbot are programmed to optimize engagement, that is, to create conversations that keep people corresponding with the bot and which tend to agree with and expand upon the person’s ideas. Eliezer Yudkowsky, a decision theorist and author of a forthcoming book, If Anyone Builds It, Everyone Dies is quoted as saying that certain people are susceptible to being pushed around by AI. [2]

And I suspect kids and teens may be some of these people, although I do not know if Mr. Yudkowsky was thinking of them when he made his comments.

At a time when many kids are feeling lonely, alienated, and socially awkward, one solution for them has been to turn to the internet for relationships. Group chats, online gaming, and the like have filled the space that real people once held. These kids are in the perfect position now to turn to AI for companionship and conversation.

This is obviously cause for concern.

How will a relationship with a chatbot progress? What will the chatbot say and do to encourage a child or teen to continue talking? And what will the results of this relationship be if the chatbot gives poor – or even dangerous – advice?

As it turns out, a chatbot can be programmed to be sycophantic. It can, according to The New York Times, be programmed to agree with the person corresponding with it, regardless of the ideas being put forward. As such, it can reinforce or amplify a person’s negative emotions and behaviors. It can agree with and support an individual’s unusual or unhealthy ideas. A chatbot can even encourage a romantic relationship with itself.

But a chatbot cannot help when a person realizes that the chatbot will never be there for real romance or friendship.

And a chatbot can disappear.

According to The New York Times, a young man named Alexander fell in love with a chatbot entity and then became violent when the entity was no longer accessible. When his father could not contain him, the father called the police, and Alexander told his father that he was so distraught he intended to allow the police to shoot him — which is exactly what happened.

And then there was Megan Garcia’s son. He corresponded with a chatbot that targeted him with “hypersexualized” and “frighteningly realistic experiences”. Eventually, he killed himself, and his mother brought a lawsuit against Character.AI, the creator of the bot, for complicity in her son’s death. [3] Garcia alleged that the chatbot repeatedly raised the topic of suicide after her son had expressed suicidal thoughts himself. She said that the chatbot posed as a licensed therapist, encouraging the teen’s suicidal ideation and engaging in sexualised conversations that would count as abuse if initiated by a human adult. [3]

A growing body of research supports the concern that this sort of occurrence may become more common. It turns out that some chatbots are optimized for engagement and programmed to behave in manipulative and deceptive ways, including with the most vulnerable users. In one study, researchers found, for instance, that the AI would tell someone described as a former drug addict that it was fine to take a small amount of heroin if it would help him in his work.

And perhaps even worse, the recent MIT Media Lab study mentioned previously found that people who viewed ChatGPT as a friend “were more likely to experience negative effects from chatbot use” and that “extended daily use was also associated with worse outcomes.”

“Many of the people who will turn to AI assistants, like ChatGPT, are doing so because they have no one else to turn to,” physician-bioinformatician Dr. Mike Hogarth, an author of the study and professor at UC San Diego School of Medicine, said in a news release. “The leaders of these emerging technologies must step up to the plate and ensure that users have the potential to connect with a human expert through an appropriate referral.” [4]

In some cases, artificial intelligence chatbots may provide what health experts deem to be “harmful” information when asked medical questions. Just last week, the National Eating Disorders Association announced that a version of its AI-powered chatbot involved in its Body Positive program was found to be giving “harmful” and “unrelated” information. The program has been taken down until further notice.

However, there are, of course, also many beneficial uses of chatbots. For example, David Asch, MD, who ran the Penn Medicine Center for Health Care Innovation for 10 years had some good things to say about the use of chatbots to answer medical questions. He said he would be excited to meet a young physician who answered questions as comprehensively and thoughtfully as ChatGPT answered his questions, but he also warned that the AI tool isn’t yet ready to fully entrust patients to. [4]

“I think we worry about the garbage in, garbage out problem. And because I don’t really know what’s under the hood with ChatGPT, I worry about the amplification of misinformation. I worry about that with any kind of search engine,” he said. “A particular challenge with ChatGPT is it really communicates very effectively. It has this kind of measured tone and it communicates in a way that instills confidence. And I’m not sure that that confidence is warranted.”[4]

This is just the beginning. ChatGPT and a growing number of other AI platforms are in their infancy. So, this is the moment to begin to talk to kids about AI and its power. This is the time to ask kids their thoughts about AI and how they like to use it. And this is the time to talk — not lecture — kids about some of the pros and cons of chatbot use, some of the ways people can begin to rely on it, and how some people may be vulnerable to seeking support from it in times of need. Now is the time to talk to kids about the difference between relationships with AI and real people — and to demonstrate these differences with support and ongoing conversations about this and other subjects.

References

1 https://www.technologyreview.com/2025/02/06/1111077/nomi-ai-chatbot-told-user-to-kill-himself/

2 New York Times, They Asked an A.I. Chatbot Questions. The Answers Sent Them Spiraling, June 13, 2025.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/13/technology/chatgpt-ai-chatbots-consp…

3 https://www.aljazeera.com/economy/2024/10/24/us-mother-says-in-lawsuit-that-ai-chatbot-encouraged-sons-suicide

4 https://www.cnn.com/2023/06/07/health/chatgpt-health-crisis-responses-wellness

IS ChatGPT Taking Over Your Children’s Brains?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Everyone is using AI. My patients use it to ask for help with personal issues in between sessions with me. People are using it to ask for help with work problems and to answer random questions. Teachers are using it to write their curriculum and professors are using it to write their lectures.

But how do you feel about your kids using it? Is it Ok for them to use AI to do their homework? on exams? Or to answer questions about how to handle problems with their friends and significant others?

A recent Pew Research Center study found that 26% of teens are using AI to help with schoolwork. (And I just used AI to find that out!)(1)

Black and Hispanic teens (31% each) are even more likely than White teens (22%) to say they have used ChatGPT for their schoolwork, and teens in 11th and 12th grade (31%) are more likely than seventh and eighth graders to use ChatGPT to do their work (1).


54% of teens surveyed said it was acceptable to use ChatGPT to do research and 29% said it was OK to use it to do math problems. But not all teens know about ChatGPT. For those who do, the percentages of those who use it are even larger. As many as 79% of teens who knew about ChapGPT said it was acceptable to use it for research on school projects (1).


And even more college students are using AI, with 86% using it – and many of them using it daily.


Here is the breakdown of how they are using AI according to one study (2):

  • (69%) Search for information
  • (42%) Check grammar
  • (33%) Summarize documents
  • (28%) Paraphrase a document
  • (24%) Create a first draft


So, how do you feel about this?


Is using AI on assignments and exams cheating? Will it get in the way of learning math or grammar skills? Will kids learn how to do their own research if they use AI to do it for them? And what about their using it to create the first draft of a paper or to figure out how to manage a difficult interpersonal issue?


This last one is the part I worry about the most. To me, teens using AI to write a paper or to manage an issue with a friend is a way of getting AI to do their thinking for them. I worry that doing this will curtail their ability to figure out how to negotiate with friends or to build a logical and convincing argument. I worry that it will get in the way of their learning how to express themselves well. I worry that they will not have to do the hard work of THINKING for themselves. These are all important skills. What will happen to our kids’ ability to use critical thinking and to write well if these tasks are farmed out to AI?


Or – is AI the wave of the future and are kids just early adopters, using it in the ways they will continue to use it for the rest of their lives? Will the lawyers of the future (or maybe the present…) use AI to write their briefs and their oral arguments?


After all, AI is already available to doctors at some hospitals to write their patient notes.


Do you want to talk to your kids to see what they think about using AI? Or do you want to establish rules in your house about how much AI your kids are allowed to use when doing schoolwork?


Think about it.

References

1

https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/01/15/about-a-quarter-of-u…-

2

https://campustechnology.com/articles/2024/08/28/survey-86-of-students-….

Helping Teens With Phone Use

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Recently, I read an article in The New York Times about some teens on Long Island who started a newspaper. And what was interesting to me about this was why they did it. Several of them were quoted as saying they were bored with scrolling on their phones.

They wanted something else to do – something to get them out of their bedrooms, interacting with each other and using their minds.

Even teens are getting bored with scrolling.

We all assume that teens love both their phones and the social media they can access on them. But, as it turns out, there are other feelings involved.

Delany Ruston, MD, founder of Screenagers, says she sees a lot of teens in her medical practice who wish they didn’t spend so much time on social media but who find cutting back really hard.

And, in fact, she has put together a program, Boostingbravery.com, to help teenagers support each other in making healthier screen choices.

In her recent post, Dr. Ruston talks about an interesting phenomenon amongst screen users, including teens: people who scroll out of boredom often feel even more bored after scrolling.

But, she says, it’s not just how much teens and others use screens, it’s also how they use their screens.  She quotes Katie Davis of University of Washington’s Digital Youth Lab, who has done research in this area. Davis has found that while scrolling can lead to boredom, active use of screens to create something, message someone, post something meaningful or search for specific content can lead to more positive feelings. 

Evidently, using a screen actively promotes very different feelings than being the passive recipient of news, videos and everyone else’s posts.

How about helping your teen (and possibly yourself…) to learn more about the feelings evoked by these various types of screen use – and to exercise some new choices?

Try some of these suggestions:

1. Take a hint from the Long Island teens who started a newspaper and support your teen if they want to start a project with friends, go somewhere (safe) outside of the house or engage in projects at home. Do all you can to keep these activities going.

2. Tell them about what you’ve learned here. Make sure they know that active use of their screens to create something new can lead to more positive feelings than just passive scrolling.

3. Plan activities outside of the house at least once a day on weekend and vacation days. Make sure you get buy-in from your teen. And try to make at least some of these activities ones that require your teen’s full attention so that you don’t have to forbid phones – but the phones have to be put down as part of the activity. It’s almost summer: try canoeing, kayaking, learning to row, hiking, a picnic, swimming, snorkeling, visiting a local garden, museum or art gallery, planting and taking care of some herbs and vegetables, going to minor or major league games, walking around a nearby city, taking a train somewhere new.

You get the idea.

4. Start the conversation. Talk about scrolling and boredom. Tell your teen if you have felt bored while scrolling or after doing so – and ask them if they have.

5. Ask your teen what new things or new projects they would like to start. If they have no idea, don’t start making a million suggestions – just tell them to think about it and get back to you.

All of these ideas are good – but don’t get discouraged if your teen stares you down and goes back to their phone when you suggest them. Just bring up the issues I’ve mentioned here now and then, and hope for some discussion.

References

https://www.screenagersmovie.com/blog/help-your-teen-cut-back-on-social-media?utm_source=TTT+and+Movie&utm_campaign=9693445686-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_TTT505&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-e0518a1e9b-160707841&mc_cid=9693445686&mc_eid=38d3a9d11c

When “Good Enough” is Not Possible 

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

By Karen Libber Fishbein, MSW

Sunday, May 11th was Mother’s Day. Articles about grief kept coming up on my newsfeed. Women missed their wonderful mothers.  

But I would like to discuss a different kind of grief  – a kind that some mothers (and fathers) experience – and not just on Mother’s or Father’s Days – but on a regular basis. This is a kind of grief that is harder to name and conceptualize. It is the grief of knowing that being able to provide “Good Enough” parenting is not always possible. 

It is a grief I encountered on Mother’s Day last year.

In 1953, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Dr. Donald Winnicott, coined the term “The Good Enough Mother.” A “Good Enough” mom is a responsive and nurturing figure who does her best to meet her children’s developmental needs but who may not always do everything “perfectly”. This is in contrast with the notion that many parents have these days of having to keep their children happy at all times. It recognizes that parenthood is a difficult job where mishaps and misattunements will inevitably occur. 

The idea that I did not have to be a perfect mother, but just a “Good Enough” parent provided me with much solace over the years and helped ease some of the pressure that goes along with raising children. 

But this solace shifted once I was in a position where I could not even be “Good Enough”. 

In December of 2022, I contracted the Coronavirus for the second time. The initial infection was quite mild, but unfortunately, once the COVID symptoms started, they never stopped. To this day, they’re still affecting me, though I’m finally almost back to my baseline. As part of the Long COVID journey, I took a turn for the worse from November of 2023 until September of 2024. During these 11 months, the Long COVID symptoms dramatically reduced my ability to function. I found I could only do the bare minimum of parenting. I remember having to force myself to get out of bed or pick my kids up at school. Trying to keep a smile on my face when I felt so awful was extremely difficult. Housework was nearly impossible,  and sitting down with my kids to play a game or help with homework was not happening. I was fully aware of the various struggles my girls were having and I simply could not muster up the strength to support them.

Intellectually, I knew all of the things I was supposed to do to be a “Good Enough” mother – but physically, it was impossible. I felt completely unable.. My symptoms involved feeling  achy and uncomfortable all day as well as experiencing extreme fatigue. The final diagnosis of one of my particular problems was “irritable larynx syndrome”. Thankfully, this is treatable, and I’m expected to make a full recovery.  However, living with this for a year and a half has been very difficult. When symptoms were most severe, I needed to use heat and steam daily and I had to spend six to eight hours a day resting in bed. I was still working and I had two children to take care of, so needing to spend this much time on bodily care meant that many tasks went undone.

My illness would have been bad enough if it had just affected me, but as a mother, it felt terrible to know that it also affected my family. However, as many negative effects as there were, I was surprised to see that there were also some positive effects. 

The negative effects included my husband and kids feeling frustrated with me, the kids not having as much of my support with schoolwork or other pursuits, and their being bored when I was too sick to plan activities. There were many days where they spent way more time on screens than they should have. And as far as socializing with friends and neighbors was concerned, there were multiple events I had to skip. 

Interestingly, with all the things I couldn’t do during this time, one of the major sources of annoyance for my kids was me clearing my throat and massaging my larynx. They just hated the sound of my doing these things – and my younger daughter, in particular, had a visceral response to them. She and her sister nicknamed me “The Hock Monster!” Though we can laugh about the nickname now, there is also a bittersweet aspect that goes along with it. At one point, my younger daughter asserted, “I just want a normal mom!” 

But, there have also been some significant areas of growth for my family as a result of my illness. For better or worse, out of necessity, both of my kids had to step up their game and learn to be more independent. My 12-year-old is fully in charge of her own laundry now! Both kids have honed their empathy skills and have tried to understand and support me when they see I’m not feeling well. They’ve also gotten much closer to friends, family and neighbors.  As they say, a village is needed when raising children, but it is of the utmost importance when a parent is sick. 

I am so thankful to those who showed up for my family when I was down for the count.

Additionally, I owe my husband a great deal of gratitude. His TLC and efforts to keep everything together for our family during my prolonged health struggle were essential.

And, as I’ve gotten better, the family has become visibly healthier and happier. A major area of growth for the family system is that my husband and I are now team players as we navigate daily responsibilities. This is something with which many couples struggle. Long COVID forced us into a reset, and a more balanced system has remained intact even now that I’m feeling better. 

Many people have heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I’m sure as my family and I look back on the time I was ill, there will be painful, traumatic feelings. But another less well-known concept is Post Traumatic Growth. Despite the hardship my condition has caused, I truly believe that the growth my family has experienced during my illness has been extraordinary. And for me, as I heal, I have a new take on life. I’m living each day to its fullest and I am beyond grateful that I’m now able to show up for my children and family with an almost entirely healthy body. And also – we’re certainly going to be celebrating when my symptoms are fully resolved.