By Dr. Corinne Masur

Last Sunday (8/13/23) the print edition of the New York Times had a small article on “phubbing” and its effect on romantic relationships.

Maybe you already knew what phubbing is – but I did not.

It is the word for looking at your phone while someone is talking to you – in other words, snubbing someone by using your phone.

We’ve all done it and we’ve all had it done to us.

But if we admit it, it’s hurtful. 

Who likes to be talking and notice that the other person is looking down at their phone?

And it turns out that in romantic relationships too much of this can lead to arguments. 

In The Times, psychologist Anthony Chambers was quoted as saying that couples should talk explicitly about their phone use and make clear boundaries.  If one partner feels hurt when the other looks at their phone when they are together, then this needs to be talked about. Guidelines need to be set up about when it is OK to go on phones and when it is hurtful.

But what about kids?  We cannot expect them to sit down with us and say, “Dad, I feel hurt when you look at your phone when you’re with me.”  

So how do we know if they DO feel hurt?

Well, I think we can assume that they do.

Looking at your phone rather than looking at your child as they play at the playground or while you are playing with them at home is always a temptation. 

But perhaps it’s time to think about how your child perceives this.

Might they feel that what’s on the phone is more important than they are?

Might they feel that what they’re doing is not interesting to you?

Might they wish for you to be paying more attention?

My suspicion is that the answer to all of these questions is “yes”.

Children over the age of two do not need your constant attention – but they do need to to feel that you are interested in them and what they are doing when you are with them, especially when you are playing with them or having a meal with them.

I know, I know. Everyone looks at their phones all the time. 

But still, how about thinking about what this communicates to your child and what boundaries make sense for you to set when you are with your children?  

Can you leave most of your phone scrutiny to when your children are in bed?

Can you let go of the desire to post a particularly cute photo of your child and just be with your child instead?

Can you put your phone aside at meal time and when you’re at the playground or playing on the floor at home?

These are questions to consider. And it might help to think about the consequences if you do not.

Many children feel they have to compete with their parent’s phones. Acting out can be one way to get parental attention if a child feels that their parent is not engaged with them.

Low self esteem can be fueled by feeling that so many things are more important than you are, including a phone.

And the desire to have a phone at younger and younger ages might just have something to do with seeing how much time Mom and Dad spend on their phones and how much they seem to value and enjoy this time.

So think about it.

And, if you HAVE to be on your phone when you’re with your children for an important work matter or for some other important reason, try doing as psychologist Katherine Hertlein suggests, and narrate what you’re doing. For example, if a work call comes in, you can say, “Oh, something important has just come up at work, I need to text my boss for a minute” or “Aunt Jenny is texting about her doctor’s appointment, let me just get back to her quickly”. This may help to let your children know that you will only break away from your activity with them for an important matter, rather than as a continual habit.

And for the full story on Phubbing from the NYT, see below: