Parenting

How To Help Children Feel Competent

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Today I am reviving and adding to an old post:

There seems to be a problem going on amongst middle and upper-middle-class parents which involves not just hovering and helicoptering but also downright coddling and intruding.

Children from 2 to 32 are being treated as incompetent people who can never do the simplest things — tasks their own parents — and certainly their grandparents did starting very early in life.

The thing is — children are more competent than we give them credit for — and they always have been.

By hovering and helicoptering we get in the way of their developing their own skills, and worse, we interfere with their ability to have experiences that teach them how to do what they need to do in life. As a result, we limit the development of their feelings of competence, confidence, and mastery.

In our parenting groups, I have observed that parents are feeling exhausted. And part of this is because they feel they have to help with everything. If a child doesn’t like what is for dinner, the parent feels like they have to provide something else. If a child wants the parent to help them with their homework each day, the parent feels they have to do this. If the child wants to look at a device during dinner, the parent feels they have to say yes to avoid a meltdown. And in the bathroom? Don’t get me started…


When a five or six or seven year old asks for help with wiping, the parent feels they have to go right in.

But the question parents must ask themselves from the time their children are two years old through adulthood is this: Am I actually helping my child become more competent and confident? Or am I expecting too little from them? Am I stepping in and doing too much for them? And if I am stepping in too often, why am I doing this?

Is it just easier to do things for our children rather than insisting they do them for themselves? Or is it too painful to watch children struggle — to watch children make mistakes and suffer the consequences — to watch children feel frustrated? Bored? Angry?

Or do we have expectations of ourselves as parents that are too high? If so, why? When did we cease to believe that experience was the best teacher? And when did we decide that we, as parents, are really the best teachers and that it is our job to help our children avoid difficult feelings such as frustration, failure, boredom, and anger?

Let’s look to the scientific literature for help.

In studies of what promotes feelings of competence amongst students, structure and support for their autonomy have been shown to be important. Students feel more competent when their teachers give them the opportunity to do work on their own, and when there are clear instructions as to what they should be doing.1

Students also feel more competent when they have the opportunity to help others, and to get support for themselves from peers.1

The attitude of the adults who are around kids is also pertinent as to what makes them feel competent. In a survey, students described teacher kindness, support for autonomy, relatedness, and non-controlling orientation as factors that contributed to their competence satisfaction. For instance, the students felt competent because their teachers had an approachable, helpful, and interactive teaching style and provided them with opportunities to interact with each other.1

Additionally, students mentioned that participation opportunities, respectful teacher-student interactions, and teachers who were responsive to their views, needs, and interests facilitated their competence satisfaction in class. This means that opportunities to give their opinions, to do hands-on work and to be met with a respectful attitude was helpful.

What’s more, students indicated that they feel more competent when teachers make expectations clear, and provide appropriate help when necessary.

Other research has looked at social and emotional competence and has found over and over again that children with better social skills and those who are able to manage their own feelings feel more competent — in addition to being more trusting, empathic and intellectually inquisitive.

So there is quite a bit of research, but often these studies are not translated into actual methods by which parents can learn how to promote competence in their children.3

So, how can parents apply the research findings to their own approach to parenting?

Well, first, we know that being attuned to our babies and children’s feelings and needs is crucial. From birth, we need to observe how they are feeling, and when they are upset, we need to be able to tell the difference between times when they need help calming down and when they are able to soothe themselves.

We must try to stay attuned to their feelings as they engage in difficult tasks (starting with tummy time and going all the way through writing high school papers) and only intervene when it is clear that they have become so frustrated that they cannot continue. We can be there and be available in case help is needed – but we should not jump in at the first sign of frustration.

Second, we must make our expectations of our children clear, but not try to control what and how they do things.

Third, being kind and respectful toward our children and their efforts to accomplish things helps them to internalize a kind and respectful attitude toward themselves.

Fourth, helping children to manage, recognize and understand their own feelings and talking with them about the feelings of others supports social and emotional competence.

Fifth, it is important to encourage independence and autonomy in our children while providing as much structure and support as we think they need.

So, for example, we can help a toddler learn how to pour her own orange juice — but we can suggest starting out doing this activity while standing on a stool and doing it in the sink. As she becomes more capable of pouring without spilling we can ask her if she has noticed how much better she’s gotten and invite her to pour her juice at the table.

Or, when a high schooler is having difficulty with writing a paper, rather than jumping in to read it over or to aid with the writing, we can start by helping them calm down and talk about what is making it so hard for them – before we take ANY action whatsoever.

In summary, helping a child or teen with a task by telling them how to do it or doing it for them is not actually the most effective way to help a child feel competent.

These days, we often feel we have to help our children before they may actually need it. And we may praise our children rather than pointing out the improvement the child has made and asking the child if they notice their improvement or whether they feel proud — of themselves.

In the end, we all want our children to feel competent and good about themselves. And we want them to feel this from the inside rather than waiting for praise from the adults around them or for A’s from their teachers. We want them not only to be competent, but we want them to feel competent.

References

1 Reymond, N. C., et al. (2022) Why students feel competent in the classroom: a qualitative analysis of students’ views. Frontiers in Psychology, Oct 13. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9612881/

2Housman, D.K. (2017) The importance of emotional competence and self-regulation from birth: a case for the evidence-based emotional cognitive social early learning approach. ICEP 11, 13. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40723-017-0038-6

https://ijccep.springeropen.com/articles/10.1186/s40723-017-0038-6

3 Miller, J. S., et al. (2018) Parenting for Competence and Parenting With Competence: Essential Connections Between Parenting and Social and Emotional Learning. School Community Journal, V. 28 (2) p. 28. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1201828.pdfMorereferences

What Now?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

As of Weds morning, there are many jubilant Americans and many devastated Americans. 

What can I say that will add anything at this point?

I myself am in a news blackout. That is what I need to do to continue to keep an even keel.

And, at this point everyone needs to find a way to keep themselves stable.

Whether you immerse yourself in the victory or you seek refuge in nature or poetry or music or Netflix or sleep. 

And we need to do this so that we can be available to those who need us – most  especially our children.

Whichever category you fit into, try to remember how you behave and how you speak about the election results in front of your children will influence and affect them.

This will be a confusing time for them.

They are hearing all sorts of things at school, from their friends, on social media and elsewhere. There is a great deal of emotion – elation, anger, sadness, dire predictions, threats, and promises – any of which may or may not be welcome.

So, if, as parents you are overjoyed at the win, if you are celebrating, remember, your kids are watching and you are sending a message about how to handle victory.

Or, if you as parents are upset, frightened, furious or disheartened, also, remember what message you are sending. 

Are your children thinking they can lord the win over their friends who wanted a different result? Are your children upset and afraid about what’s to come?

Children need to be reassured: this is what democracy looks like. There was an election, there was a winner and we must live with the results. 

Children also need to know that the adults in their lives will work to make sure there are other elections in 2 and in 4 years and we will have a choice again then.

They need to know that if we don’t like what happened this time, we can work to tip the scales back in a direction we like better in two years – and we can start to work on that as soon as we feel up to it.

AND parents need to try – no matter what – to reassure their children that they will keep them safe even if there are those who may talk about making changes to our system that we don’t agree with. 

Children need to know that in their house, values of kindness and fairness still apply. 

And if children are getting messages from other kids or teachers at school about who should have won or who did win, they need to know that you want to hear about it and talk about it with them.

However, if children observe parents doom scrolling, or panicking or feeling helpless or hopeless, they may feel that there is no one to help THEM with with their own anxieties.

So, here are some options:

– Whether you feel jubilant or hopeless, try to manage your own feelings in a way that will be tolerable to your children and teens.

– If your kids are anxious, if they are asking lots of questions or finding it hard to go to sleep at night, try to reassure them – especially your children twelve and under. Remind them that you are there for them and will work to keep them safe. Sit with them a little longer before it’s time to go to sleep. Read an extra book with them.

– Remind them that over the arc of history, there have been many heated political campaigns, many changes in government, and many scary and difficult events in this country – but that we are still here.

– Remind them that in this country there are still checks and balances and that the President does not have absolute power. Whether you want him to institute certain changes or you are afraid he will institute certain changes – it is not entirely within his power to do so. 

– Keep the news and political commentary off the screen until your younger kids go to bed

– And with your teenagers, keep the conversation open. Talk to them about how they feel, don’t hide what you feel, but also try not to  denigrate those on the other side of the political spectrum as you talk with them.

***Please comment on this post and tell us how you are feeling and WHAT you are doing – for yourself – and for your children***

In The Run-up to the Election, Who Cares About Children and Families, Anyway?

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A recent New Yorker article starts with the following:

“At the end of the summer, the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory on the mental health of the nation’s parents. Too many families, Murthy wrote, are beset by economic factors beyond their control, including the costs of health care, child care, elder care, housing, and groceries. Murthy cited alarming results from a survey by the American Psychological Association, conducted in 2023, in which forty-one per cent of parents said that “most days they are so stressed they cannot function,” forty-eight per cent said that “most days their stress is completely overwhelming,” and fifty per cent said that “when they are stressed, they can’t bring themselves to do anything.” 1

This is outrageous!

So many parents are so stressed!

We have to talk about this.

And it is also time to fully acknowledge how little support there is for families in this country.

Unlike other developed nations, we have little to no governmental support for the care of our young children. Parents are not subsidized to stay home to care for infants and young pre-school aged children – and at the very same time, the survival of most families AND the survival of our economy require both parents to work in most families. 

But, as the article says, “insufficient or erratic child care is a major disruptor of parents’ work schedules”1 and “In eleven states and the District of Columbia, child care costs at least twice as much as typical monthly rent or mortgage payments, and two-thirds of parents nationwide report spending twenty per cent or more of their take-home pay on child care. For sole parents, this share rises to thirty-five per cent.”1

The Build Back Better bill, proposed by President Biden included funding for child care and early childhood education. 

And yet, even knowing how important childcare is to family well being, the Build Back Better agenda did NOT receive widespread bipartisan support, and the provisions for daycare were completely cut from the final bill which was passed, called The Inflation Reduction Act. 2

The Democrats’ plans included universal pre-kindergarten, lower child care costs, paid family and sick leave and the enhanced child tax credit, among other provisions, but all of these were ultimately eliminated during negotiations between Democrats and Republicans. Those cuts became the ninth time in just two and a half years where proposed legislation aimed at helping women and families have been removed, according to a CNN analysis of data from the Congressional Budget Office and Congressional Research Reports.

Paid family leave alone has been trimmed down or dropped five different times since March 2020, and universal pre-kindergarten, paid family leave and an expanded child tax credit were all left out of the Inflation Reduction Act.

Now we have a presidential candidate who is introducing a six-thousand-dollar tax credit for parents of newborns, and a cap on child-care expenditures at seven per cent of a family’s income. She has also signalled her commitment to pro-family economic policy in choosing Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, as her running mate. As Governor, Walz has made school breakfast and lunch free in Minnesota and has made public higher education free for low-income students, he has added more than two billion dollars to Minnesota’s K-12 school budget, expanded the state’s child tax credit, and enshrined paid family and medical leave.

If instituted on a nationwide basis, these policies would do a LOT to decrease family stress – 

and yet the presidential race is still neck in neck. 

Obviously, many fathers and mothers are not putting help for families at the top of their priority list when choosing who to vote for.

It’s obviously time that we name the problem loud and clear: children and families are not considered important in our country. 

To many, “it’s the economy, stupid” which is important. 

But let’s connect the dots: the workers of today, parents, need to be less stressed to do their jobs. And the workers of tomorrow, children, need to be well cared for in order to be the healthy community members and the creative and productive workers the economy needs.

If this is the only argument that will get through to some people, let’s make it!

As Winter suggests in her New Yorker article, a coherent, constructive debate about how to help working parents—about how our politics and institutions can foster a care economy that exists, in one form or another, in virtually every other developed nation on Earth—is needed. 

Let’s start talking!

References and Citations

1 https://www.newyorker.com/news/the-lede/the-real-and-perceived-pressures-of-american-parenthood?

2 CNN

https://www.nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-uncomfortable-t…

https://www.nichd.nih.gov/sites/default/files/publications/pubs/documen…

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/202002/the-deal…

How to Talk With Your Children About the Upcoming Election

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This is an updated version of a post written for the election two cycles ago.

As we approach the presidential election, it’s a good time to talk to your kids about winning and losing.

The subjects of sportsmanship, humility and grace come to mind – as well as braggadocio, sore losing and bitterness.

Whatever side of the electoral battle you are on, you and your children will be having strong feelings.

So what do we say to our children? And at what age are they ready to have this conversation?

Well, really children of any age, starting around 3 know about winning and losing – and they can talk about the feelings that come when they experience each. Of course, depending on your child’s age, you will speak about this differently.

But the place to start is to remind your child – whatever age they are – that how your family feels at this moment about who you want for President is not the way that everyone feels. Some people are for one candidate and some people are for the other. This is a time to talk about values and WHY you prefer the candidate you prefer, what values and policies they represent, and why you are in favor of these.

This is the time to talk about the history of our country and what democracy is all about – and this includes the fact that in our country we allow the people (represented by the electoral college) to choose the president and that we are honor bound to stick with this decision.

HOWEVER – and this is where the more nuanced part of the discussion comes in – it is important, whatever you or your child feel, to help your child to be aware that when other people feel differently than we do, that it is important to treat them and their feelings with respect.

Good sportsmanship is something that kids who play on teams should be learning. You can provide this as an example: after a game, your team shakes hands with the other team to indicate that you both played a good game and that there are no hard feelings left over from the competition.

The losers can feel upset but still lose graciously. This is a concept that can be introduced to a 3 year old and also to a 16 year old.

And the winners can feel happy and joyous – but they can also behave graciously by telling their competitors that they played well. Children can be reminded that bragging about winning is not the way to go, even though inside it feels so good to win.

You can tell your children the story of “burying the hatchet”: when Native American tribes had disputes or wars with each other, when they were over, the two formerly opposing sides literally buried a hatchet in the ground to symbolize the end of the disagreement.

This is a way to handle winning and losing an election too. After someone has won or lost, it is time to bury the hatchet, to accept the defeat or the victory and to move back to getting along.

It is also time to continue to cling to the values you hold dear and to not give up on them.

I fervently hope that both we and our children can do this both before and after the upcoming election.

***************

The Transition to Fatherhood: Pregnancy

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For many men, finding out that their partner is pregnant is the beginning of a roller coaster of feelings and an enormous amount of internal change. For those who welcome the pregnancy, first time fatherhood can represent the real marker of adulthood. And over the months of their partners’ pregnancies, these men often reevaluate their sense of self, their expectations of themselves, their values, their lifestyle and their priorities – and it’s not easy. (1)

They are in the process of a psychological overhaul.

Some men meet the news of the pregnancy with elation, some with mixed feelings and some with dread – but whatever their initial reactions, many men experience the perinatal period as the most stressful time of all in their transition to fatherhood. (2) 

First of all, they often feel a bit disconnected from the reality of the pregnancy. Some take a number of weeks to really accept that the pregnancy exists. Many feel cut off, being able to experience the pregnancy only by proxy. While their partners have the embodied experience of the physical changes of pregnancy, they must rely on second hand accounts. (3)

And in one study, performed by Jan Draper, many of the men found that the reality of their partner’s pregnancies was different than their expectations. Some felt that the reality of the pregnancy alternated with periods during which they went about their lives as usual without an ongoing awareness of the pregnancy: “Some men suggested that their lack of continuous physical experience meant that they were able almost to opt in and opt out of their involvement of the pregnancy; they had an element of choice that their partners did not. These men remained focussed on everyday life, frequently their paid work, rather than on the minutia of the progress of the pregnancy. The sometimes part-time nature of men’s involvement was a theme…James, for example… was committed to the concept of involved fatherhood and apologetically contrasted his choice of part-time involvement with the continuous involvement of his partner. Steve, a novice father, described how the pregnancy kept `drifting away’ and how he felt guilty about `forgetting’ he was a father” (4).

Some also felt surprised by their reactions to their  partners’ changing bodies. Some felt put off by the size of their partner’s bellies and some felt that the pregnant belly was actually a barrier between themselves and their partners.

Some just could not connect the pregnancy to the reality of a baby. One said, “I can see Julie pregnant and I can see her with a baby and the two don’t seem to go together and that’s a really odd feeling and I don’t know how to describe that. You see a pregnant lady and then you see someone with a baby and…. it seems two separate type things” (5)

But getting to see the scans of the fetus as they were happening or feeling the fetus move inside their partners bellies helped many of these men to connect more directly to the pregnancy. One father-to-be said, “It feels nice (feeling the baby’s movements). It does. I think it’s harder for me because I get frustrated that I can’t experience any of it physically at the moment, other than putting my hand on the outside and feeling the movement”. (6)

And all the men in Draper’s study valued and enjoyed the accounts given to them by their partners about the pregnancy and the fetus’s development. 

During their partner’s pregnancies, some men feel the need to take on new responsibilities – to take care of their partner and prepare for the baby’s arrival.  Some feel more protective of their partner and worried about the wellbeing of their unborn child.

But some fathers-to-be may find themselves in conflict – on the one hand, feeling much of the above, and, on the other hand, resenting the new demands and responsibilities – whether the pressure to take these on comes from their partner, from what they perceive as societal expectation or whether it come from within themselves.

Contributing to these feelings may be the fact that in recent years, fathers have been expected to be more hands-on and more involved during the pregnancy and more intimate with their babies and children once they arrive than in previous generations. Fathers are generally expected to take at least an equal role in parenting – a job for which they may feel ill-prepared.

Many men have very little – if any – experience with babies and small children. They may never have held an infant before they hold their own – and they may know almost nothing about child care or child development.

And, of course, it is also confusing – because what constitutes fatherhood is ever-evolving. The wishes and needs of fathers and mothers and the societal norms around parenthood are alway in being reconfigured.  

And then there are the physiological changes involved in impending fatherhood. For example, a study published in the Mayo Clinic Proceedings demonstrated that men go through significant hormonal changes alongside their pregnant partners and that these changes are most likely initiated by their partner’s pregnancy.  The evidence suggests that fathers have higher levels of estrogen, the well-known female sex hormone, than other men and that increase starts 30 days before birth and continues during at least the first 12 weeks after birth – and possibly much longer. Although estrogen is best known as a female sex hormone, it exists in small quantities in men, too. Animal studies show that estrogen can induce nurturing behavior in males. So, it seems increasingly clear that just as biology prepares women to be committed mothers, it prepares men to be dads as well (7).

Furthermore, the study showed that men’s cortisol levels rise in the week before their baby’s birth and their testosterone levels decrease in the week after birth.

And then there are historical considerations in preparing for fatherhood as well: many men reflect on how they themselves were fathered. Old feelings are often stirred up around childhood memories, whether these are fond or those which include deprivation, harsh parenting, and abuse. And for those men who had fathers who were excessively strict, depriving, or angry, there will be many questions about how to father differently than they were fathered. They may have to evaluate how to deal with their own anger in ways distinct from their fathers, how to be more emotionally available than their own fathers, how to be more open than their own fathers, how to be less judgemental than their own fathers and/or how to be more generous than their own fathers 

Fathers-to-be have to consider what they want to take from their own experience of being parented and what they do not. They have to think about what kind of father they want to be and how to separate themselves from automatically fathering as they were fathered. 


And these thoughts can lead to potent feelings of uncertainty. In a study done by Meleagrou-Hutchins, the fathers studied anticipated various profound changes to their personal and professional lives beyond the birth of their baby.  And they worried about their ability to cope with the demands of fatherhood. They were all planning ahead and preparing, to varying degrees, so as to manage, or minimize, the disruption that fatherhood would cause in their lives.

They also felt invisible. Many felt their partners were getting more attention than they were in regard to the upcoming birth and that their health and wellbeing was being overlooked. Some felt sidelined, ignored during medical appointments – and at the same time many wondered whether they were really entitled to support.  Some also felt that they lacked a concrete goal during the pregnancy leading to feelings of powerlessness and frustration (8).

Many of these fathers reported feeling insufficiently supported as they worked to prepare themselves for fatherhood. Many felt their partner was their main source of support and yet they regretted putting further burden on her by needing this from her (9).

Preparing for fatherhood is a complex physiological and psychological process and clearly, men require more support in understanding their own experience as well as more institutional and societal support as they do so.

This is the first in a series on this subject.

Footnotes

1 Meleagrou-Hitchens 2020

2 Genesoni and Talandini, 2009.  

3. Draper

4. Draper, pg 132

5. Draper, p. 132

6. Draper, p 134

7. Berg, 2001

8. Draper, 2000, pg 132

9. Ibid, p. 133

References

Sandra J. Berg, MSc ∙ Katherine E. Wynne Edwards, PhD, Mayo Clinic Proceedings, Changes in Testosterone, Cortisol and Estradiol Levels in Men Becoming Fathers (2001). Vol 7, Issue 6, P582-592June 2001.

Draper, J. (2000). Fathers in the making : men, bodies and babies. (Thesis). University of Hull. Retrieved from https://hull-repository.worktribe.com/output/4211054

Genesoni, L. and Talandini, M., (2009). Men’s Psychological Transition to Fatherhood: A Review of The Literature, Birth, Dec;36(4):305-18. doi: 10.1111/j.1523-536X.2009.00358.x.

Meleagrou-Hitchens, L., Carla Willig (2022). Mens’s experience of their transition to first time fatherhood…. Department of Psychology, School of Arts and Social Sciences, City University London, EC1V 0HB London, UKDOI: 10.31083/jomh.2021.102 Vol.18,Issue 1,January 2022 pp.1-11.

Mombrain: Myth or Real?

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This is the seventh post in a series on The Transition to Motherhood.

In her book, Matrescence, Lucy Jones discusses the idea that society — and women themselves — often feel that childbirth and caring for young children diminish their memory and cognitive capacity. While they are pregnant and after they give birth, women often complain of not being able to remember anything, being scatterbrained, or feeling stupid.

But when looking at the research, Jones found the opposite!

In fact, it seems that having a baby concentrates the mind. Brain structure and the neurochemistry of the brain actually change during and after pregnancy in order to aid the mother to tune into her baby and her baby’s needs. It may be that some of the old things the mother used to think about are less the focus of her attention after her baby arrives and she may feel less capable of concentrating on them — but this is far different from being “stupid.”

In fact, Bridget Callahan, a researcher at UCLA, found evidence of enhanced learning, memory, and cognitive capacity after childbirth (Callahan, et al, 2022).

Of course, this makes sense, because new mothers need to expand their ability to tune in to their babies, to learn what helps and doesn’t help their babies to feel comfortable, and to learn how to solve the many problems of everyday childcare.

In fact, in reviewing the literature, researchers Erika Barba-Müller et al found that there are structural and functional changes in the woman’s brain both during pregnancy and following delivery which stimulate her to progress from being an individual with self directed needs to being responsible for her baby. These changes are highly adaptive and aid in the woman’s transition to motherhood.

Similarly, in a review of the literature, Winnie Orchard found that there is evidence that the brains of pregnant women become more flexible, efficient, and responsive.

Minor difficulties in word finding and short-term memory often make women feel less competent during pregnancy and early motherhood — but this is not all that is going on.

Referring to Orchard again, Lucy Jones says that the lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain may be positive and that the cognitive load of adapting and adjusting to one or more growing children may help the brain to be resilient.

Think about it: So many people have started doing the daily word puzzles put out by the New York Times — as well as doing all sorts of gaming apps on their phones — in order to preserve and enhance their cognition. But these do not provide even a portion of the challenge that comes up in a day for the parent of a newborn or child of any age!

For a first-time mother — and her partner — the day they come home from the hospital is often a terrifying day. Suddenly, they realize that it is up to them to figure out how to care for their new baby and to keep them alive. Soon it is clear that caring for a newborn requires a completely new set of skills. And there is a great deal of trial and error. Every day new problems need to be solved. So much has to be learned — not just about babies in general — but about this particular baby, her sensitivities, and her preferences. And then, just as the parents are getting the hang of it, the baby starts a new sleep pattern, develops new feeding preferences, or enters a new developmental stage. And learning how to deal with these things requires a great deal more problem-solving.

So as for “Mom Brain” — yes, there is such a thing, but it is not what we often think it is. The Mom Brain is a more flexible, more competent, more resilient brain than the non-mom brain.

References

Barba-Müller, et al (2019). Brain plasticity in pregnancy and the postpartum period: links to maternal caregiving and mental health. Arch Womens Ment Health. 2019; 22(2): 289–299. Published online 2018 Jul 14. doi: 10.1007/s00737-018-0889-z

Callaghan, B. et al., (2022) “Evidence for cognitive plasticity during pregnancy via enhanced learning and memory”, Memory 30(5) , p. 519-536.

Jones, Lucy (2023). Matrescence.

Orchard, E. R., et al., (2022) “The maternal brain is more flexible and responsive at rest: Effective connectivity of the parental caregiving network in postpartum mothers”, bioRxiv

A Deeper Dive into the Transition to Motherhood

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More on matrescence – part 4 in a series

Posted July 20, 2024

Let’s take a deeper dive into the transition to motherhood in this, the fourth post in a series on this subject.

In the Introduction to her beautiful book, Matrescence, Lucy Jones says, “Pregnancy, then birth, and then – big time – early motherhood, simply did not match up with the cultural, social, and philosophical narratives I had grown up with…I started to realize that that my mind had been colonized by inadequate ideas about womanhood, about motherhood, about value, even love… A sense that I had been fundamentally misinformed about the female body and maternal experience set in fast” (p. 9, 10).

She describes how, during her pregnancy she noticed changes in herself which she had no language to describe – but she noticed that her “consciousness felt different: restructured or rewired” (p. 10).

She says, “I thought the baby would grow inside my body, …that I would still be the same person. But that didn’t seem to be the case” (p. 10).

I think that many if not most women feel all of these things. But do they have the language to speak about them? Or do they feel permitted to speak about them?

I suspect not.

Jones talks about how ill prepared she was for motherhood – how she had never changed a diaper and knew nothing about what it took to raise and take care of another human.

And I think many women feel this way – especially with their first babies.

Jones speaks about her guilt if she tried to do anything just for herself during those first months of motherhood.

She also writes about the idea that women are supposed to have a built in maternal instinct and how this works against the acknowledgement that motherhood absolutely requires the acquisition of knowledge and skills about babies, children and mothering.

And in saying this, I think Jones puts her finger squarely on the shame and embarrassment many mothers feel when they don’t know what the right thing is to do for their baby – whether it is something as simple as whether to put them down for a nap or something as complex and important as when to call the pediatrician.

As she says, “this is a set up in which mothers (are) destined to fail” (p. 11).

She says, “I thought early motherhood would be gentle, beatific, pacific, tranquil, bathed in a soft light. But actually it was hard core, edgy, gnarly” (p. 14).

Finally, we have someone who tells the truth about motherhood.

We have needed a Lucy Jones for a long time.

Women feel that they are not allowed to talk about the utter fatigue, boredom, tedium, panic and downright hardship of childcare. Yes, the difficulty of juggling work and child care is talked about. And the under valuation of parenting work is mentioned now and then. But as a society? We do not have much of a discussion around many of these issues – and we certainly have not made changing any of them a priority – in our own minds, with our partners and friends, or at the ballot box.

There is still pressure to put on a good face as a mother, to treat the work we do as joyous and to present that point of view to anyone other than our closest and most trusted friends and fellow parents.

Jones calls this “cultural apathy”. And she says that many women feel that they themselves are to blame for the extent of their troubles as new mothers. However, the fact is that a majority of women feel anxious after having a baby, at least 45% report feeling low, and at least 35% describe themselves as depressed. One in five mothers do not tell anyone about their feelings and over half report not feeling supported by their families. Almost half say they feel like they have to handle everything alone.

But there is hope. Jones writes about a burgeoning field of neurobiology that is looking at the changes in the brains of pregnant women and those who care for young infants. And she quotes Alexandra Sacks, a psychiatrist interested in this subject, as saying that simply by talking about the difficulties inherent in transitioning to motherhood, many women will feel relief.

And this is why, Jones says, she wrote her book: as an invitation to start talking about the process of becoming and being a mother.

And this is why I am writing this series.

Stay tuned for more.

References

Jones, Lucy. Matrescence

Bumbum Cream for YOUR Kids???

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Recently I became aware that children, tweens and teens are buying beauty products….like firming creams for their skin.

Teens?

Doesn’t surprise me.

But children and tweens?

Mystifying!

Are your kids asking for $48 a tub face or body cream?

And if so, what do you do?

In a New York Times article published recently, a 15 year old was quoted as saying, “All of my friends have it”.

Do they really think their bums need firming?

Why do they think they need something which advertises itself as “visibly smoothing and tightening the appearance of your skin”?

These kids have the tightest, most beautiful skin of anyone on the planet!

This is concerning to me.

I really do think that if your child is asking for this, you might want to open a discussion of why they want it. And if the answer is, “because all my friends have it”, you might want to ask why they think their friends all want it.

This brings up the topic of body image and the importance of external appearances. It can open the question of why our children think these things are important (if they do) and how they feel about their own bodies and appearances. Do they have worries about how their skin looks? Or do they have worries about other parts of their bodies?

It can also bring up the topic of aging. Are kids, even young kids, worried about getting older and what they will look like as they do?

These things are not easy to talk about. Your children may resist. They may say, “just forget it” and then save up their own money to buy the cream.

But these topics are important, as we all know.

And what’s more, this may be an opportunity to talk about money and what is worth spending money on and what is not.

We can also talk about advertising and how companies take advantage of people’s worries to get them to buy more products.

And THIS may lead to a discussion of values – what you value, what you want your child to value and what your child thinks about values.

On the other hand, you may just feel like one of the parents quoted in the New York Times article who said, “It’s not that serious, they’re just trying to have fun.”

For more see: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/16/style/sol-de-janeiro-brazilian-bum-bum.html

Are You or Your Child Confusing Hate with Anger?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Recently a mother told me that her son hates her.  

She is going through a divorce and her six year old son has been yelling at her and even trying to kick and hit her on occasion.

We needed to talk about this.

I have known this mother ever since her son was born and I know quite a lot about her mothering.

She is a good mother. And I am sure that her son does not hate her. I know that (most of the time) he loves her and depends on her and looks forward to coming back to her after time spent with his Dad.

But I also know he is very confused and angry about the divorce.

And I also know that his Dad is harder to be angry with because he is very strict.

It is easy for kids and teens to confuse anger and hatred.

When a child or teenager is extremely angry, they yell and scream and they may even say the dreaded words, “I HATE YOU!!”.

And while they may actually feel that they hate you in that moment, it is likely that they are expressing how angry they are – and not an enduring feeling about you.

The same thing can happen when we are angry – especially with someone we are in a very close relationship with, like a partner or a sibling or a parent. We may feel that we truly hate them.

Anger can be that powerful. 

But that is the difference between anger and hatred. Our children – and we ourselves – become angry with someone when they hurt us or do something that we dislike or have asked them not to do. It is a temporary emotional response. 

We hate someone because of who they ARE – because they have enduring characteristics that we just cannot tolerate and which violate our own values or morals or which hurt us or others repeatedly. 

But why is this distinction an important one to make?

For a couple of reasons:

First of all, let’s go back to the mother I referred to at the beginning. It is extremely important for her wellbeing that she understand that her son really does not hate her. If she believes that he does, her feelings about herself as a mother will be altered in such a destructive way. She will feel terrible about herself and about her relationship with her son.

Second of all, some researchers believe that when we define our feelings toward another as hatred, we are more likely to act in a hateful way. In an important study on this topic, Fisher et al pointed out that hatred is usually based on a belief that the person who is hated is always deserving of hate. Hating someone is based on the idea that the hateful things about them are stable and always present. As they say, “there is little room for constructive change”, this is just the way the person IS. ,”And therefore (the only) options left (are) to act upon one’s hate”. 

So – do we allow our children to act on their hateful feelings? Do we allow the child who “hates” us to leave the house to go stay with a friend? Do we ourselves break up a friendship because we feel this strongly about our friend?

We are living in a time of escalating division. We need to educate our children – and ourselves – in regard to the difference between anger and hatred – so that neither they nor we have to act on our angry feelings, so that we can open up the possibility that when we think we hate someone, we can actually allow ourselves to calm down and consider the possibility that we were just angry with them – and they do not deserve our hatred.

This is an important distinction for our children to learn. When they say that they hate us – it does not feel good to them – and afterwards they are likely to feel quite guilty.

We can teach them about the differences between anger and hatred – and we can also remember them ourselves so that the next time our child says they hate us, we do not feel quite so devastated.

But how do we help our children to make this distinction and how do we make it ourselves?

These same researchers I mentioned above concluded that “trying to explain the hated target’s actions in terms of circumstances rather than nature (is) a first step” in de-escalating one’s hating feelings. 

In other words, if we can believe that the way the other person acted had to do with particular circumstances rather than because that is just how they are, we can begin to understand that we do not hate them – we are angry with how they acted. 

So – when we argue with our partner – or when our child shouts at us that she hates us, after everyone calms down, the question is, can the person who felt hatred ask themselves whether the other person is really deserving of hate?

It is critical that we try to disentangle these two emotions – when we take in what our children are giving out, when we interpret our own emotions, and when we evaluate what is happening in our neighborhoods, our country and our world.

Friendships, partnerships, the parent-child relationship and the relationships between groups of people can all be fraught at certain moments of conflict. But generally, these relationships can survive anger.

We need to show our children – and remember this ourselves – that we can survive their anger – and still love them.

In fact, it would be odd if there was not some anger involved now and then in our relationship with them. 

But labeling these feelings as hatred makes the stakes much more dramatic.

We can try to help our children to understand that when they are upset with someone they may be tempted to use the words, “I hate you!” when what they really feel is anger….and we can try to remember this for ourselves as well.

References

Fisher et al. (2018). Why we hate. Emotion Review Vol. 10, No. 4 (October 2018) 309–320 

Another in a long series about electronic media and your children!

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Dr. Corinne Masur

The other day one of the mothers I work with told me that while she was playing with her son, she picked up her phone to look at a text. He told her to put her phone down. He knew that her attention to the text was taking her away from him.

And how old is he?

Two.

This little boy is two years old and he already feels like he has to compete with Mommy’s phone for her attention.

Imagine what a five year old feels. Or a ten year old.

No wonder kids want their own phones. And no wonder they’re wanting them earlier and earlier.

It’s hard to buck this trend. 

Kids are asking for phones early in their lives. But if you want to be able to put off their phone ownership, or, if once they own one, you want to be able to limit their usage, the first thing you really need to do is to be more aware of your own phone usage – especially in the presence of your children.

One thing that I find particularly worrisome is the way that some parents use their phones when feeding their babies. Parents may think it doesn’t matter. What does a newborn notice? If you use your phone while nursing or, while bottle feeding, perhaps you feel like it doesn’t matter.

But, like with the two year old I mentioned, and like with the five year old or the ten year old, it’s more about what you aren’t doing than what you are doing.

With a newborn, what you aren’t doing is looking into their eyes, being present with them, feeling their soft skin, smoothing their little bits of hair. 

And what you aren’t doing is necessary for building connection and attachment – theirs and yours.

So, will they remember that you were on your phone while feeding them? No. But will it affect them that you weren’t as present as you might have been, that they missed that face to face, direct eye contact that can sometimes occur with feeding? Yes, I think it will.

And I do not say this to induce your guilt. I just say this to encourage all parents – including the parents of newborns and young babies – to limit your phone time to times when your baby or child or teen is not with you – or when they are napping or sleeping or when you absolutely have to take a call or a text.  

And if you do absolutely have to do one of these things in the presence of your toddler or your older child, explain why you are doing it.

This will make it much easier later when and if you decide to put limits on your child’s screen usage – and it will also be better for your relationship with you child – and theirs with you.