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Do Smartphones Encourage Anxious Attachment?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

This week, we were talking about smartphones in our parents’ group. Specifically, we were talking about how parents use them to contact their kids all day long. Afterward, one mother commented that perhaps our fondness for our phones has to do with attachment.Maybe having a phone with us, and being able to contact our loved ones at a moment’s notice, has to do with our need to stay connected, and in particular, our old, infantile wish to always be able to be in close proximity to our mothers. As John Bowlby said, this is a matter of survival for all infants – going back to our primate roots, crying in order to make sure our mother comes to us made sure we were not left behind in the forest. Staying connected was crucial!

The mom who brought up this issue is in training to be a psychoanalyst herself. She remembered being told by her psychoanalyst-mentor, that he thought that people carried water bottles and phones everywhere these days because they were a way to gratify our early wish to stay attached to Mommy, and therefore to feel safe and secure.

But is there a cost to adults of relying so much on phones, of indulging in this regressive kind of behavior?

Is it useful to us, psychologically speaking, to be able to contact everyone all the time?

Are we meant, as adults, to remain so tethered to one another throughout our daily lives?

Prior to about 2010, parents often did not know exactly where their children were and they couldn’t necessarily get in touch with them right away. The same with partners and spouses. People had to accept this and tame whatever anxiety they might have had about their loved ones’ whereabouts and activities.​ Prior to smartphones we had to rely on our object constancy, and our internalized images of our loved one, that is, our ability to keep our loved ones in mind, in order to keep them with us (psychologically speaking) throughout the day.

Aditionally, prior to the advent of smartphones, people had more autonomy. And they had more privacy. If they so chose, they could spend time without anyone knowing where they were. They could not be tracked and they could not be called.

Now, we can text or call almost anyone at any time. And if a parent texts a child or teen, they expect to hear back within a matter of minutes. And if they don’t? There’s panic – or anger – or both. Where is he? Why isn’t he getting back to me? What’s going on?

The mother I mentioned at the beginning of this post suggested that smartphones promote anxious attachment. And I thought this was a brilliant idea. Of course, this is an extension of the original concept of anxious attachment – but I think the term can be useful, if loosely applied here. It is true that we expect to be able to contact and know the whereabouts of those we love at all times. And it is also true that we seem to be unable to trust in the ongoing being of our loved ones. Our ability to hold them in our minds with a feeling of confidence that they are alright and will return to us has been dramatically reduced. We check and we check and we check on one another all day long.

Much has been written about attachment styles, and a great deal of what has appeared in popular literature and online is inaccurate. The originator of this term and the person who did the initial research which led to the coining of the term was psychologist and researcher, Mary Main. She defined anxious attachment as an insecure attachment style that develops when a caregiver is inconsistently available, leading the child to become highly distressed when separated from the caregiver but not comforted by their return. This style is rooted in the child’s uncertainty about whether their needs will be met, causing them to be preoccupied with the relationship, constantly seeking reassurance and often showing clingy or demanding behaviors. 

But these days, it’s the parents who show an anxious attachment style. And perhaps smartphones have something to do with this. When our children are inconsistently available, it makes us distressed. We expect to hear back from our kids and our partners immediately after we text or call them. And if we don’t, we become anxious. Perhaps this is like the babies who cry or call out for their mothers and are sometimes left without a response from her. If this happens often enough and for long enough, the infant or toddler can feel that the parent is unreliable, and they can feel worried about whether their mothers will come to care for them. In fact, they can worry about their very survival; they can feel insufficiently cared for. And they can become anxiously attached.

Perhaps it is the intermittent nature of the text messages from our children and other loved ones which makes ​adults feel the same way. Anxious. Unsure. Wanting to hear back immediately. And we all know that intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement. The behavior which is intermittently reinforced increases. Hence more calling and​ more texting. 

If thwarted in their desire to contact their kids or partners, parents can become the ones demonstrating demanding behavior. They are the ones who become clingy and anxious.

We have become so used to being able to locate one another at all times that our emotional muscles have gotten flabby. We ​no longer rely on our internalized images of our loved ones, we no longer utilize our capacity for object constancy. We are no longer able to tolerate uncertainty about exactly where a child or a partner is. We have become unable to wait to hear a report about how the test went or how the day was.

Is ​it good for us as parents to be so tethered to our phones – and to our children?

And is it good for kids to be so tethered to their phones – and to us? 

And what does this do to the development of kids’ feelings of independence, autonomy and responsibility? And to adults’ feelings of trust and confidence in our kids, and in each other?

These questions may not have definitive answers, but they are worth thinking about.

And as for what you might want to do about this as a parent, how about asking your children, teens, and college-aged kids about how often they want to be in touch? How about asking if they mind that you track them? How about asking what they feel is intrusive and what they find helpful? And if they seem to be the ones texting a lot, how about talking about why this might be and if there are some worries behind this?

Kids of all ages need to feel competent, they need some independence (how much will depend on their age), and it is worth discussing how to promote and encourage this.

And parents, it may be time to reevaluate how much you text and track and check and expect from your kids and from each other. 

The Oldest Sister Syndrome

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

We all know—or had—an older or oldest sister, or we are one, or we have a child who is one, and we know what that looks like: bossy, rule-bound, impatient, controlling, perfectionistic, stubborn, a general know-it-all who needs to be right.

These people can be annoying, even infuriating.

And to be one can be painful.

The oldest sister who tries to control her younger siblings, and then later in life, tries to control others, can be difficult to be around. No one really wants to be bossed, controlled, or to be told they’re wrong. And the superior attitude? Not fun.

At the same time, it is important to remember that the oldest sister may be suffering. She can experience a great deal of internal pressure feeling that she has to be “good,” or that she has to go by the rules and be helpful—and she may feel these are her only ways to get approval.

These traits may be annoying to others but at the same time it is also true that being an older or oldest sister may bring with it some positive attributes. Often oldest sisters have real leadership ability, a strong drive for success, a heightened sense of justice and fairness, and they may be both responsible and conscientious

These are generalities – and one may well wonder: are they true? Does being the oldest girl in the family actually lead to developing these characteristics? Is this a real thing? Is it an actual diagnosis? And has it been written about in the professional mental health literature?

Well, there is no diagnosis called “Oldest Sister Syndrome,” but it has been written about.

Alfred Adler wrote about birth order as long ago as the early 1920s. He believed that social influences were the main determinants of personality and said that children are significantly influenced by their position in the birth order of the family. He believed that a child’s position could affect their perception of themselves and their interactions in the world.

Interestingly, Adler’s own life story may have contributed to his theory. He had been a sickly child who suffered from rickets, while his older brother (the oldest child in a family with seven children) was healthy. Adler recalled an early memory of watching his older brother capering on the beach with ease and feeling intensely jealous of him, inferior to him physically, and rivalrous with him.

Adler later went on to write about the characteristics of each birth order position. He said that the oldest child initially receives all of the parental attention, and then feels “dethroned” when the second child is born, forced to share their parents’ attention with the new baby, and resultingly feeling resentment and hostility toward the younger child – and any that come along subsequently.

Others have written about eldest-daughter syndrome as well. One article described how eldest girls often feel angry about about being asked to help with younger siblings, and how some even say that their childhoods were stolen from them as a result of the added burden of helping to care for the younger children. Sharing is often hard for them. They are prone to feeling that they have gotten less, or that they have been cheated. They often feel that the younger children in the family get “more” than they do. Competition can become a lifelong theme, with oldest daughters repeatedly needing to “win” or achieve in order to get the praise they feel they need. This may repeat a childhood pattern where they either sought or actually received praise for helping out or being more mature than their younger siblings.

And what’s more, oldest girls, and oldest children in general, are raised by parents who are less experienced than subsequent children. Often first time parents are not as aware of how to manage an infant than they are with their second and third babies. And oldest children are often scrutinized more by the parents than later children. Every little thing they do is watched and worried about. It is possible that in some cases, this can result in their feeling both especially important – and especially judged – and lead to a feeling of needing to do things the “right” way.

You may recognize these characteristics if you are an oldest sister, or if you had one. And if you are the parent to one, here are some things you can do to help:

  • Make a point of being aware of who your oldest daughter is as a person, not just as your helper. Make sure you tell her what you like about her as a person. Let her know that you see and appreciate her as an individual, not just for the help she gives you or for the things she does. You do not want her to feel that her ability to help is the one good thing about her and you do not want her identity to become just that of a “helper”. If she is artistic, notice this and comment on her work in a positive way. If she likes to read, notice this and comment on how much you like this about her. Keep the comments about her as an individual going through her teen years.
  • This does not mean you should not ask her to help you. Having children help out at home is a part of daily life—and it is a good part. They learn that things are expected of them and that they can make meaningful contributions to family life. But when your daughter helps you, acknowledge this and thank her.
  • Encourage positive interactions between your daughter and her siblings. Praise her if she is loving or playful with her sibs. And if she tends to be negative with them, show her how to be nice. No lectures—just model for her how to be kind to them and notice when she does so.
  • Occasionally, do something alone with your oldest daughter. You do not have to call this “special” time, just make a point of doing it now and then and telling her how much you enjoy spending time just with her.
  • Occasionally bring up recollections of what it was like when she was your only baby.
  • An oldest girl can feel preempted by her siblings. She can feel that life is unfair and that the younger ones get more than she does. Remind her that when she was a baby, you did all the same things for her that you are doing for your younger children. Tell her stories about what it was like when she was a baby and what you used to do for and with her.
  • And, perhaps most importantly, talk to your daughter about her feelings – not in a punitive way, but in an understanding way. If you notice her being mean to her younger siblings or being particularly competitive with them, take her aside and talk to her about how hard it can be to be an oldest child, and how infuriating her siblings can be for her. If you were in that position or if you know others who were, tell her a story about the feelings that can be involved. Help her to understand her own feelings and help her to work on them.

And good luck with helping your oldest girl. It’s not easy being an older sister!

When “Good Enough” is Not Possible 

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

By Karen Libber Fishbein, MSW

Sunday, May 11th was Mother’s Day. Articles about grief kept coming up on my newsfeed. Women missed their wonderful mothers.  

But I would like to discuss a different kind of grief  – a kind that some mothers (and fathers) experience – and not just on Mother’s or Father’s Days – but on a regular basis. This is a kind of grief that is harder to name and conceptualize. It is the grief of knowing that being able to provide “Good Enough” parenting is not always possible. 

It is a grief I encountered on Mother’s Day last year.

In 1953, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Dr. Donald Winnicott, coined the term “The Good Enough Mother.” A “Good Enough” mom is a responsive and nurturing figure who does her best to meet her children’s developmental needs but who may not always do everything “perfectly”. This is in contrast with the notion that many parents have these days of having to keep their children happy at all times. It recognizes that parenthood is a difficult job where mishaps and misattunements will inevitably occur. 

The idea that I did not have to be a perfect mother, but just a “Good Enough” parent provided me with much solace over the years and helped ease some of the pressure that goes along with raising children. 

But this solace shifted once I was in a position where I could not even be “Good Enough”. 

In December of 2022, I contracted the Coronavirus for the second time. The initial infection was quite mild, but unfortunately, once the COVID symptoms started, they never stopped. To this day, they’re still affecting me, though I’m finally almost back to my baseline. As part of the Long COVID journey, I took a turn for the worse from November of 2023 until September of 2024. During these 11 months, the Long COVID symptoms dramatically reduced my ability to function. I found I could only do the bare minimum of parenting. I remember having to force myself to get out of bed or pick my kids up at school. Trying to keep a smile on my face when I felt so awful was extremely difficult. Housework was nearly impossible,  and sitting down with my kids to play a game or help with homework was not happening. I was fully aware of the various struggles my girls were having and I simply could not muster up the strength to support them.

Intellectually, I knew all of the things I was supposed to do to be a “Good Enough” mother – but physically, it was impossible. I felt completely unable.. My symptoms involved feeling  achy and uncomfortable all day as well as experiencing extreme fatigue. The final diagnosis of one of my particular problems was “irritable larynx syndrome”. Thankfully, this is treatable, and I’m expected to make a full recovery.  However, living with this for a year and a half has been very difficult. When symptoms were most severe, I needed to use heat and steam daily and I had to spend six to eight hours a day resting in bed. I was still working and I had two children to take care of, so needing to spend this much time on bodily care meant that many tasks went undone.

My illness would have been bad enough if it had just affected me, but as a mother, it felt terrible to know that it also affected my family. However, as many negative effects as there were, I was surprised to see that there were also some positive effects. 

The negative effects included my husband and kids feeling frustrated with me, the kids not having as much of my support with schoolwork or other pursuits, and their being bored when I was too sick to plan activities. There were many days where they spent way more time on screens than they should have. And as far as socializing with friends and neighbors was concerned, there were multiple events I had to skip. 

Interestingly, with all the things I couldn’t do during this time, one of the major sources of annoyance for my kids was me clearing my throat and massaging my larynx. They just hated the sound of my doing these things – and my younger daughter, in particular, had a visceral response to them. She and her sister nicknamed me “The Hock Monster!” Though we can laugh about the nickname now, there is also a bittersweet aspect that goes along with it. At one point, my younger daughter asserted, “I just want a normal mom!” 

But, there have also been some significant areas of growth for my family as a result of my illness. For better or worse, out of necessity, both of my kids had to step up their game and learn to be more independent. My 12-year-old is fully in charge of her own laundry now! Both kids have honed their empathy skills and have tried to understand and support me when they see I’m not feeling well. They’ve also gotten much closer to friends, family and neighbors.  As they say, a village is needed when raising children, but it is of the utmost importance when a parent is sick. 

I am so thankful to those who showed up for my family when I was down for the count.

Additionally, I owe my husband a great deal of gratitude. His TLC and efforts to keep everything together for our family during my prolonged health struggle were essential.

And, as I’ve gotten better, the family has become visibly healthier and happier. A major area of growth for the family system is that my husband and I are now team players as we navigate daily responsibilities. This is something with which many couples struggle. Long COVID forced us into a reset, and a more balanced system has remained intact even now that I’m feeling better. 

Many people have heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I’m sure as my family and I look back on the time I was ill, there will be painful, traumatic feelings. But another less well-known concept is Post Traumatic Growth. Despite the hardship my condition has caused, I truly believe that the growth my family has experienced during my illness has been extraordinary. And for me, as I heal, I have a new take on life. I’m living each day to its fullest and I am beyond grateful that I’m now able to show up for my children and family with an almost entirely healthy body. And also – we’re certainly going to be celebrating when my symptoms are fully resolved.

Are You or Your Child Confusing Hate with Anger?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Recently a mother told me that her son hates her.  

She is going through a divorce and her six year old son has been yelling at her and even trying to kick and hit her on occasion.

We needed to talk about this.

I have known this mother ever since her son was born and I know quite a lot about her mothering.

She is a good mother. And I am sure that her son does not hate her. I know that (most of the time) he loves her and depends on her and looks forward to coming back to her after time spent with his Dad.

But I also know he is very confused and angry about the divorce.

And I also know that his Dad is harder to be angry with because he is very strict.

It is easy for kids and teens to confuse anger and hatred.

When a child or teenager is extremely angry, they yell and scream and they may even say the dreaded words, “I HATE YOU!!”.

And while they may actually feel that they hate you in that moment, it is likely that they are expressing how angry they are – and not an enduring feeling about you.

The same thing can happen when we are angry – especially with someone we are in a very close relationship with, like a partner or a sibling or a parent. We may feel that we truly hate them.

Anger can be that powerful. 

But that is the difference between anger and hatred. Our children – and we ourselves – become angry with someone when they hurt us or do something that we dislike or have asked them not to do. It is a temporary emotional response. 

We hate someone because of who they ARE – because they have enduring characteristics that we just cannot tolerate and which violate our own values or morals or which hurt us or others repeatedly. 

But why is this distinction an important one to make?

For a couple of reasons:

First of all, let’s go back to the mother I referred to at the beginning. It is extremely important for her wellbeing that she understand that her son really does not hate her. If she believes that he does, her feelings about herself as a mother will be altered in such a destructive way. She will feel terrible about herself and about her relationship with her son.

Second of all, some researchers believe that when we define our feelings toward another as hatred, we are more likely to act in a hateful way. In an important study on this topic, Fisher et al pointed out that hatred is usually based on a belief that the person who is hated is always deserving of hate. Hating someone is based on the idea that the hateful things about them are stable and always present. As they say, “there is little room for constructive change”, this is just the way the person IS. ,”And therefore (the only) options left (are) to act upon one’s hate”. 

So – do we allow our children to act on their hateful feelings? Do we allow the child who “hates” us to leave the house to go stay with a friend? Do we ourselves break up a friendship because we feel this strongly about our friend?

We are living in a time of escalating division. We need to educate our children – and ourselves – in regard to the difference between anger and hatred – so that neither they nor we have to act on our angry feelings, so that we can open up the possibility that when we think we hate someone, we can actually allow ourselves to calm down and consider the possibility that we were just angry with them – and they do not deserve our hatred.

This is an important distinction for our children to learn. When they say that they hate us – it does not feel good to them – and afterwards they are likely to feel quite guilty.

We can teach them about the differences between anger and hatred – and we can also remember them ourselves so that the next time our child says they hate us, we do not feel quite so devastated.

But how do we help our children to make this distinction and how do we make it ourselves?

These same researchers I mentioned above concluded that “trying to explain the hated target’s actions in terms of circumstances rather than nature (is) a first step” in de-escalating one’s hating feelings. 

In other words, if we can believe that the way the other person acted had to do with particular circumstances rather than because that is just how they are, we can begin to understand that we do not hate them – we are angry with how they acted. 

So – when we argue with our partner – or when our child shouts at us that she hates us, after everyone calms down, the question is, can the person who felt hatred ask themselves whether the other person is really deserving of hate?

It is critical that we try to disentangle these two emotions – when we take in what our children are giving out, when we interpret our own emotions, and when we evaluate what is happening in our neighborhoods, our country and our world.

Friendships, partnerships, the parent-child relationship and the relationships between groups of people can all be fraught at certain moments of conflict. But generally, these relationships can survive anger.

We need to show our children – and remember this ourselves – that we can survive their anger – and still love them.

In fact, it would be odd if there was not some anger involved now and then in our relationship with them. 

But labeling these feelings as hatred makes the stakes much more dramatic.

We can try to help our children to understand that when they are upset with someone they may be tempted to use the words, “I hate you!” when what they really feel is anger….and we can try to remember this for ourselves as well.

References

Fisher et al. (2018). Why we hate. Emotion Review Vol. 10, No. 4 (October 2018) 309–320