In my previous post on the topic of phones in schools, I wondered why we haven’t already helped kids avoid distraction by putting smartphone bans in place at all schools. UNESCO has recommended that this be done worldwide 1and there are a large number of studies demonstrating why this is important.2,3
In researching the answer to this question, I found out that while some states have put legislation in place allowing school districts to enact smartphone bans at school, other states hesitate to do so because there are parents who are against this—and some have even sued school districts.4
Coincidentally, I recently received a notification from Delaney Ruston, M.D., who writes the blog Screenagers on just this topic.5
She wrote that one reason some parents object to kids not having their phones with them during the school day is that the parents think it is safer for them to have their phones in case of a school emergency. They want their children to be able to contact them.
Ruston has called for a national survey on the opinions of Americans as to whether children are safer with or without phones at school, but in the meantime, before such a study can be carried out, she did a little survey of her own—not scientific—but meaningful nonetheless.
She asked numerous people what they thought and these are some of the responses she received:
Superintendent
“We had a real-time emergency…We went into lockdown, and moments after that, students started communicating with their parents, texting, and calling from their cell phones. As a result, our first responders were arriving at the school, and we had parents lined up in our driveway, and the first responders literally couldn’t get their vehicles to our school. The driveway was backed up all the way to the street.“
Police Officer
“I do not like children having access to their phones directly in school because of the safety aspect of it. You can’t get away from … the misinformation that gets presented. The slightest little rumor of a threat or the slightest statement that gets made, which isn’t investigated, gets circulated quicker than the police even get notification or before staff gets notified.”
Elementary School Principal
“When I was a principal at a high school, we had a lockdown occur one time, and because all of the students got on their phones immediately, the network of the school crashed, and then none of our phones worked.”
“I am not a proponent of cell phones, especially during an emergency situation.”
School safety expert who consults with schools across the country
“One of the biggest arguments parents have is that kids should have access to phones, especially high school, during the day in the event of an emergency and a security breach. And, we tell them, no, the first thing we want to have is first responders in the building as soon as possible. We have to speed up our responses to emergencies, not slow them down.”
“I would like to see a policy where there’s no phones allowed, bell to bell. Period. Put in the lockers or some other kind of system where there’s accountability that those kids can’t access them.”
So, here are some experts, people on the ground taking care of kids and in charge of public safety, who say that phones do not make kids safer at school.
It is also important to consider that the use of cell phones during unfolding school emergencies can distract students from what they are being told to do by school staff to preserve their safety.
And beyond the potentially negative effects of cell phones used during emergencies, students have used cell phones to make bomb threats, plan school shootings, and make individual threats to other students. And phones have also been used for cyberbullying and for instigating and organizing fights and other safety disruptions at school.5
So, now that you have heard some of the reasons why smartphones may not actually make children safer at school, what do you think? Are children safer and better off at school with or without their phones?
In September 23, 2024, Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Phone-Free Schools Act into law. This legislation requires all public schools in California to develop and implement policies restricting student cell phone use during school hours – unless needed for individualized instruction, medical necessity or an emergency situation. 1
Meanwhile Florida banned phones altogether as of July 1 of this year. 1
In Connecticut the State Board of ED introduced voluntary guidelines this past summer allowing individual school districts to design their own policies. Guidelines suggest that elementary and middle schools remove all cell phones and similar devices – but they do not mandate it. 1
Indiana is a little stricter, having passed a law which went into effect July 1 of this year requiring all educational institutions to establish guidelines for prohibiting phone use in classrooms. 1
In Delaware, money has been set aside for a cell phone pilot program which will require students to put their phones in pouches during the school day. 1
And the variations continue, state by state.
But why?
There is a large body of literature that looks at smartphone use and academic performance.
And, as might be expected, smartphone use is associated with poorer course comprehension, lower GPA’s, poor sleep quantity, decreased life satisfaction, and higher rates of anxiety, loneliness, and depression. 3
It has been well documented that cell phone use in class is also a common source of distraction and leads to decreased focus. 2
In a study of college students, one group whose cell phones were removed were compared to another group of students who were allowed to keep their cell phones. Results indicated that students whose smartphones were physically removed during class had higher levels of course comprehension, lower levels of anxiety, and higher levels of mindfulness than the control group. 3
We know that cell phone use at school also facilitates cheating on tests, as well as allowing sexting and cyberbullying during class time.
And if all that were not enough, UNESCO has called for a WORLDWIDE ban on cell phone use in schools. 5
So why have we not done more to help our kids stay away from their cell phones during the school day?
Well, as it turns out, parents don’t always like cell phone bans. When The Department of Education in New York City implemented a district-wide cell phone ban in 2005, parents sued. They weren’t successful in overturning the ban, but they did spend a considerable amount of resources to challenge the ban. Lawyers for the parents argued that the board overreached its authority by denying parents their constitutional right to stay in contact with their children in school. The challenger also alleged that the cell phone ban violated the U.S. Constitution because it “infringed on parents’ fundamental right to provide for the care, custody, and control of their children” (Price et al. v. New York City Board of Education, 2007, p. 7) 4
It turns out that banning or restricting cell phone use in schools is extremely controversial. In an article summarizing the lawsuits which have been brought against schools which implemented policies restricting cell phone use, the authors concluded that to prevent further law suits, educational leaders need to develop cell phone use policies and apply them carefully when disciplining students who violate their provisions. The authors of the review found that the courts are generally willing to defer to the authority of educators to enact reasonable cell phone policies in order to preserve school safety and security.
Where do YOU stand on your kids using their phones in school?
Is your desire to communicate with your child during the school day more powerful than your wish to protect your child from distraction during class?
As of Weds morning, there are many jubilant Americans and many devastated Americans.
What can I say that will add anything at this point?
I myself am in a news blackout. That is what I need to do to continue to keep an even keel.
And, at this point everyone needs to find a way to keep themselves stable.
Whether you immerse yourself in the victory or you seek refuge in nature or poetry or music or Netflix or sleep.
And we need to do this so that we can be available to those who need us – most especially our children.
Whichever category you fit into, try to remember how you behave and how you speak about the election results in front of your children will influence and affect them.
This will be a confusing time for them.
They are hearing all sorts of things at school, from their friends, on social media and elsewhere. There is a great deal of emotion – elation, anger, sadness, dire predictions, threats, and promises – any of which may or may not be welcome.
So, if, as parents you are overjoyed at the win, if you are celebrating, remember, your kids are watching and you are sending a message about how to handle victory.
Or, if you as parents are upset, frightened, furious or disheartened, also, remember what message you are sending.
Are your children thinking they can lord the win over their friends who wanted a different result? Are your children upset and afraid about what’s to come?
Children need to be reassured: this is what democracy looks like. There was an election, there was a winner and we must live with the results.
Children also need to know that the adults in their lives will work to make sure there are other elections in 2 and in 4 years and we will have a choice again then.
They need to know that if we don’t like what happened this time, we can work to tip the scales back in a direction we like better in two years – and we can start to work on that as soon as we feel up to it.
AND parents need to try – no matter what – to reassure their children that they will keep them safe even if there are those who may talk about making changes to our system that we don’t agree with.
Children need to know that in their house, values of kindness and fairness still apply.
And if children are getting messages from other kids or teachers at school about who should have won or who did win, they need to know that you want to hear about it and talk about it with them.
However, if children observe parents doom scrolling, or panicking or feeling helpless or hopeless, they may feel that there is no one to help THEM with with their own anxieties.
So, here are some options:
– Whether you feel jubilant or hopeless, try to manage your own feelings in a way that will be tolerable to your children and teens.
– If your kids are anxious, if they are asking lots of questions or finding it hard to go to sleep at night, try to reassure them – especially your children twelve and under. Remind them that you are there for them and will work to keep them safe. Sit with them a little longer before it’s time to go to sleep. Read an extra book with them.
– Remind them that over the arc of history, there have been many heated political campaigns, many changes in government, and many scary and difficult events in this country – but that we are still here.
– Remind them that in this country there are still checks and balances and that the President does not have absolute power. Whether you want him to institute certain changes or you are afraid he will institute certain changes – it is not entirely within his power to do so.
– Keep the news and political commentary off the screen until your younger kids go to bed
– And with your teenagers, keep the conversation open. Talk to them about how they feel, don’t hide what you feel, but also try not to denigrate those on the other side of the political spectrum as you talk with them.
***Please comment on this post and tell us how you are feeling and WHAT you are doing – for yourself – and for your children***
Today in our parenting group one mother brought up the fact that her two year old was going to learn about Diwali today at pre-school – but she knew nothing about the holiday herself! She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to provide any meaningful context for him when he came home.
I admitted that I knew almost nothing about Diwali myself – but we talked about how important it is for children to be able to enjoy and understand one another’s traditions.
And then another mother in the group came to the rescue and explained the holiday to us. She and her family celebrate Diwali and she told us about what they were going to do this year.
But she also told us that growing up in a Hindu family, she always heard the story of the holiday told from the male point of view and that she had decided a couple of years ago to write the story from the feminine point of view. She wanted her children – as well as others – to learn the story in a new way.
And then she told us the story: she explained that the holiday celebrates Sita, the daughter of earth and an incarnation of the Goddess Lakshmi and her return to freedom after being kidnapped by the evil Ravan. And she went on to say that this story is about Sita’s courage both quiet and loud, never to be mistaken for meekness.
At this time of year there are a LOT of holidays – and it may be confusing for young children, especially those in preschool and kindergarten.
Help them out!
You can begin to explain about religion to them if you have not already done so. And while a complicated topic, you can start by telling them that religion is something that helps people to know what to believe. You can go on to say that people who are one religion believe certain things while people that are a different religion believe different things. You can tell them about what you believe and which holidays you prefer to celebrate – but you can also help them to understand about all the different holidays they will see celebrated at school and in their communities.
And if you or your children (ages 7 and over) want to know more about the first Diwali, you can read about it through the eyes of Sita, and learn how she won the battle of good over evil in the book written by our group member!
A recent New Yorker article starts with the following:
“At the end of the summer, the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory on the mental health of the nation’s parents. Too many families, Murthy wrote, are beset by economic factors beyond their control, including the costs of health care, child care, elder care, housing, and groceries. Murthy cited alarming results from a survey by the American Psychological Association, conducted in 2023, in which forty-one per cent of parents said that “most days they are so stressed they cannot function,” forty-eight per cent said that “most days their stress is completely overwhelming,” and fifty per cent said that “when they are stressed, they can’t bring themselves to do anything.” 1
This is outrageous!
So many parents are so stressed!
We have to talk about this.
And it is also time to fully acknowledge how little support there is for families in this country.
Unlike other developed nations, we have little to no governmental support for the care of our young children. Parents are not subsidized to stay home to care for infants and young pre-school aged children – and at the very same time, the survival of most families AND the survival of our economy require both parents to work in most families.
But, as the article says, “insufficient or erratic child care is a major disruptor of parents’ work schedules”1 and “In eleven states and the District of Columbia, child care costs at least twice as much as typical monthly rent or mortgage payments, and two-thirds of parents nationwide report spending twenty per cent or more of their take-home pay on child care. For sole parents, this share rises to thirty-five per cent.”1
The Build Back Better bill, proposed by President Biden included funding for child care and early childhood education.
And yet, even knowing how important childcare is to family well being, the Build Back Better agenda did NOT receive widespread bipartisan support, and the provisions for daycare were completely cut from the final bill which was passed, called The Inflation Reduction Act. 2
The Democrats’ plans included universal pre-kindergarten, lower child care costs, paid family and sick leave and the enhanced child tax credit, among other provisions, but all of these were ultimately eliminated during negotiations between Democrats and Republicans. Those cuts became the ninth time in just two and a half years where proposed legislation aimed at helping women and families have been removed, according to a CNN analysis of data from the Congressional Budget Office and Congressional Research Reports.
Paid family leave alone has been trimmed down or dropped five different times since March 2020, and universal pre-kindergarten, paid family leave and an expanded child tax credit were all left out of the Inflation Reduction Act.
Now we have a presidential candidate who is introducing a six-thousand-dollar tax credit for parents of newborns, and a cap on child-care expenditures at seven per cent of a family’s income. She has also signalled her commitment to pro-family economic policy in choosing Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, as her running mate. As Governor, Walz has made school breakfast and lunch free in Minnesota and has made public higher education free for low-income students, he has added more than two billion dollars to Minnesota’s K-12 school budget, expanded the state’s child tax credit, and enshrined paid family and medical leave.
If instituted on a nationwide basis, these policies would do a LOT to decrease family stress –
and yet the presidential race is still neck in neck.
Obviously, many fathers and mothers are not putting help for families at the top of their priority list when choosing who to vote for.
It’s obviously time that we name the problem loud and clear: children and families are not considered important in our country.
To many, “it’s the economy, stupid” which is important.
But let’s connect the dots: the workers of today, parents, need to be less stressed to do their jobs. And the workers of tomorrow, children, need to be well cared for in order to be the healthy community members and the creative and productive workers the economy needs.
If this is the only argument that will get through to some people, let’s make it!
As Winter suggests in her New Yorker article, a coherent, constructive debate about how to help working parents—about how our politics and institutions can foster a care economy that exists, in one form or another, in virtually every other developed nation on Earth—is needed.
This is an updated version of a post written for the election two cycles ago.
As we approach the presidential election, it’s a good time to talk to your kids about winning and losing.
The subjects of sportsmanship, humility and grace come to mind – as well as braggadocio, sore losing and bitterness.
Whatever side of the electoral battle you are on, you and your children will be having strong feelings.
So what do we say to our children? And at what age are they ready to have this conversation?
Well, really children of any age, starting around 3 know about winning and losing – and they can talk about the feelings that come when they experience each. Of course, depending on your child’s age, you will speak about this differently.
But the place to start is to remind your child – whatever age they are – that how your family feels at this moment about who you want for President is not the way that everyone feels. Some people are for one candidate and some people are for the other. This is a time to talk about values and WHY you prefer the candidate you prefer, what values and policies they represent, and why you are in favor of these.
This is the time to talk about the history of our country and what democracy is all about – and this includes the fact that in our country we allow the people (represented by the electoral college) to choose the president and that we are honor bound to stick with this decision.
HOWEVER – and this is where the more nuanced part of the discussion comes in – it is important, whatever you or your child feel, to help your child to be aware that when other people feel differently than we do, that it is important to treat them and their feelings with respect.
Good sportsmanship is something that kids who play on teams should be learning. You can provide this as an example: after a game, your team shakes hands with the other team to indicate that you both played a good game and that there are no hard feelings left over from the competition.
The losers can feel upset but still lose graciously. This is a concept that can be introduced to a 3 year old and also to a 16 year old.
And the winners can feel happy and joyous – but they can also behave graciously by telling their competitors that they played well. Children can be reminded that bragging about winning is not the way to go, even though inside it feels so good to win.
You can tell your children the story of “burying the hatchet”: when Native American tribes had disputes or wars with each other, when they were over, the two formerly opposing sides literally buried a hatchet in the ground to symbolize the end of the disagreement.
This is a way to handle winning and losing an election too. After someone has won or lost, it is time to bury the hatchet, to accept the defeat or the victory and to move back to getting along.
It is also time to continue to cling to the values you hold dear and to not give up on them.
I fervently hope that both we and our children can do this both before and after the upcoming election.
For many men, finding out that their partner is pregnant is the beginning of a roller coaster of feelings and an enormous amount of internal change. For those who welcome the pregnancy, first time fatherhood can represent the real marker of adulthood. And over the months of their partners’ pregnancies, these men often reevaluate their sense of self, their expectations of themselves, their values, their lifestyle and their priorities – and it’s not easy. (1)
They are in the process of a psychological overhaul.
Some men meet the news of the pregnancy with elation, some with mixed feelings and some with dread – but whatever their initial reactions, many men experience the perinatal period as the most stressful time of all in their transition to fatherhood. (2)
First of all, they often feel a bit disconnected from the reality of the pregnancy. Some take a number of weeks to really accept that the pregnancy exists. Many feel cut off, being able to experience the pregnancy only by proxy. While their partners have the embodied experience of the physical changes of pregnancy, they must rely on second hand accounts. (3)
And in one study, performed by Jan Draper, many of the men found that the reality of their partner’s pregnancies was different than their expectations. Some felt that the reality of the pregnancy alternated with periods during which they went about their lives as usual without an ongoing awareness of the pregnancy: “Some men suggested that their lack of continuous physical experience meant that they were able almost to opt in and opt out of their involvement of the pregnancy; they had an element of choice that their partners did not. These men remained focussed on everyday life, frequently their paid work, rather than on the minutia of the progress of the pregnancy. The sometimes part-time nature of men’s involvement was a theme…James, for example… was committed to the concept of involved fatherhood and apologetically contrasted his choice of part-time involvement with the continuous involvement of his partner. Steve, a novice father, described how the pregnancy kept `drifting away’ and how he felt guilty about `forgetting’ he was a father” (4).
Some also felt surprised by their reactions to their partners’ changing bodies. Some felt put off by the size of their partner’s bellies and some felt that the pregnant belly was actually a barrier between themselves and their partners.
Some just could not connect the pregnancy to the reality of a baby. One said, “I can see Julie pregnant and I can see her with a baby and the two don’t seem to go together and that’s a really odd feeling and I don’t know how to describe that. You see a pregnant lady and then you see someone with a baby and…. it seems two separate type things” (5)
But getting to see the scans of the fetus as they were happening or feeling the fetus move inside their partners bellies helped many of these men to connect more directly to the pregnancy. One father-to-be said, “It feels nice (feeling the baby’s movements). It does. I think it’s harder for me because I get frustrated that I can’t experience any of it physically at the moment, other than putting my hand on the outside and feeling the movement”. (6)
And all the men in Draper’s study valued and enjoyed the accounts given to them by their partners about the pregnancy and the fetus’s development.
During their partner’s pregnancies, some men feel the need to take on new responsibilities – to take care of their partner and prepare for the baby’s arrival. Some feel more protective of their partner and worried about the wellbeing of their unborn child.
But some fathers-to-be may find themselves in conflict – on the one hand, feeling much of the above, and, on the other hand, resenting the new demands and responsibilities – whether the pressure to take these on comes from their partner, from what they perceive as societal expectation or whether it come from within themselves.
Contributing to these feelings may be the fact that in recent years, fathers have been expected to be more hands-on and more involved during the pregnancy and more intimate with their babies and children once they arrive than in previous generations. Fathers are generally expected to take at least an equal role in parenting – a job for which they may feel ill-prepared.
Many men have very little – if any – experience with babies and small children. They may never have held an infant before they hold their own – and they may know almost nothing about child care or child development.
And, of course, it is also confusing – because what constitutes fatherhood is ever-evolving. The wishes and needs of fathers and mothers and the societal norms around parenthood are alway in being reconfigured.
And then there are the physiological changes involved in impending fatherhood. For example, a study published in the Mayo Clinic Proceedings demonstrated that men go through significant hormonal changes alongside their pregnant partners and that these changes are most likely initiated by their partner’s pregnancy. The evidence suggests that fathers have higher levels of estrogen, the well-known female sex hormone, than other men and that increase starts 30 days before birth and continues during at least the first 12 weeks after birth – and possibly much longer. Although estrogen is best known as a female sex hormone, it exists in small quantities in men, too. Animal studies show that estrogen can induce nurturing behavior in males. So, it seems increasingly clear that just as biology prepares women to be committed mothers, it prepares men to be dads as well (7).
Furthermore, the study showed that men’s cortisol levels rise in the week before their baby’s birth and their testosterone levels decrease in the week after birth.
And then there are historical considerations in preparing for fatherhood as well: many men reflect on how they themselves were fathered. Old feelings are often stirred up around childhood memories, whether these are fond or those which include deprivation, harsh parenting, and abuse. And for those men who had fathers who were excessively strict, depriving, or angry, there will be many questions about how to father differently than they were fathered. They may have to evaluate how to deal with their own anger in ways distinct from their fathers, how to be more emotionally available than their own fathers, how to be more open than their own fathers, how to be less judgemental than their own fathers and/or how to be more generous than their own fathers
Fathers-to-be have to consider what they want to take from their own experience of being parented and what they do not. They have to think about what kind of father they want to be and how to separate themselves from automatically fathering as they were fathered.
And these thoughts can lead to potent feelings of uncertainty. In a study done by Meleagrou-Hutchins, the fathers studied anticipated various profound changes to their personal and professional lives beyond the birth of their baby. And they worried about their ability to cope with the demands of fatherhood. They were all planning ahead and preparing, to varying degrees, so as to manage, or minimize, the disruption that fatherhood would cause in their lives.
They also felt invisible. Many felt their partners were getting more attention than they were in regard to the upcoming birth and that their health and wellbeing was being overlooked. Some felt sidelined, ignored during medical appointments – and at the same time many wondered whether they were really entitled to support. Some also felt that they lacked a concrete goal during the pregnancy leading to feelings of powerlessness and frustration (8).
Many of these fathers reported feeling insufficiently supported as they worked to prepare themselves for fatherhood. Many felt their partner was their main source of support and yet they regretted putting further burden on her by needing this from her (9).
Preparing for fatherhood is a complex physiological and psychological process and clearly, men require more support in understanding their own experience as well as more institutional and societal support as they do so.
Genesoni, L. and Talandini, M., (2009). Men’s Psychological Transition to Fatherhood: A Review of The Literature, Birth, Dec;36(4):305-18. doi: 10.1111/j.1523-536X.2009.00358.x.
Meleagrou-Hitchens, L., Carla Willig (2022). Mens’s experience of their transition to first time fatherhood…. Department of Psychology, School of Arts and Social Sciences, City University London, EC1V 0HB London, UKDOI:10.31083/jomh.2021.102 Vol.18,Issue 1,January 2022 pp.1-11.
There are many reasons that we – or our children – may procrastinate. We might fear that we cannot do the thing we are procrastinating about doing. Or we may feel that the job is just too hard and will take too much work. We might feel conflicted about whether we deserve to succeed and as a result we might procrastinate rather than allowing ourselves to move forward and be successful.
Any and all of these things may be true, and it is important to think about what lies behind our procrastination, or the procrastination that we watch our children engage in. But short of a long analysis, the answer may not be forthcoming.
So, here I am going to offer a few tips.
Daniel Willingham, a cognitive scientist and author of How To Outsmart Your Brain and Why Don’t Students Like School? has some ideas.
I am going to summarize them here — and add a few of my own — because we all procrastinate sometimes, and some people, including some of our children, procrastinate a lot:
1. Think up a reward for after the studying or the job is done. It can be a fun activity, time on a video game, or a treat.
Instead of doing this, many procrastinators put the fun first. They say, “Oh just let me play this video game for a while before I study…” But then they find that they play the video game for longer than they intended and don’t have enough — or any — time left to study. Do the hard thing first. Then do the fun thing.
2. Don’t rely on willpower to get the job done, rely on habit. Set up a time to do work — whether it’s homework or studying or a household project and do this each day. In other words, put aside dedicated time to do what you need to do. And do it either at a certain time of day or as part of a sequence of activities each day. And by “a sequence of activities”, I mean that if , for example, rather than saying you will have your child study at 4PM each day, you say that your child needs to start studying after their afternoon snack or, for a college student, they will study after their daily workout even if that’s not at the exact same time each day.
It takes as long as 60 tries for something to truly become a habit, but Willingham says that by doing the same thing over and over, it WILL become a habit.
And he also says that it takes much less energy to engage in a habit than it does to have yourself (or your child) make a choice to do what they need to do each time they need to do it. Willingham says that establishing work or study as a daily habit is better because you remove the need to choose to do the work. You just do it. You don’t have to decide to do it each time.
3. If you or your child are overwhelmed by how much you have to do, make a to-do list before you start doing anything else.
4. As part of the to do list, break down each of the jobs into manageable tasks. And then give your child or yourself permission to just do one task at a time. Do not look at the whole list. Do not think about all that has to be done. It’s down on paper. You won’t forget. And you also won’t feel as overwhelmed if you just go one task at a time.
Also – expecting yourself just to do a small amount at a time makes the job more approachable. When I was in grad school I did this with running. I didn’t want to run; I was often just too tired or too busy. But if I told myself I only had to go a mile, I would usually start jogging and end up doing the whole 3 miles — or even more — because once I got going it felt better and easier than expected!
5. When it’s time to work, just start. As Nike says…just do it. Willingham reminds us that things we don’t want to do seem worse to us before we do them. Once we start we often find they aren’t as bad as we predicted.
6. Tell others what you are going to be doing — or have your child do this. This makes you — or your child — accountable. People are more likely to do things that others know they are going to do.
7. Plan breaks. Tell yourself — or tell your child — you only have to work for 10 or 20 minutes and then you can take a break. Often giving yourself or your child permission to take a break after a limited amount of work makes starting the task easier and leads to doing it for longer than the 10 or 20 minutes you allotted initially.
7. Be aware of what you — or your child — say in your own mind about the task and your ability to do it. As I said at the start, often procrastinators think something like, “This is too hard” or “I’m not smart enough anyway, so why even start?” These are self-defeating thoughts and they are often incorrect. Be aware that these might get in the way of starting!
Thank you, Daniel Willingham! We all need help with procrastination!
References
Daniel Willingham, Outsmart Your Brain
Daniel Willingham, Why Don’t Students Like School?
Daniel Willingham is a cognitive scientist, by which I mean, he is an academic researcher who extracts information from psychology, neuroscience, linguistics, philosophy, computer science, and anthropology in an effort to understand the mind and apply the findings to education.1
In his book, Outsmart Your Brain, Willingham says something revolutionary: he says that most children are asked to learn without ever being taught study skills, without ever being taught how to organize themselves for studying, without ever having been taught to prioritize what to study, and without ever having been taught what to do when they procrastinate about studying.
And we all know this is true because we were once those children.
Unless your kids go to a very unusual school, this will be true for them as well.
When I went to school, I remember being told that I just wasn’t “trying hard enough”. But Willingham says that wanting to learn has no direct impact on learning.
He says that we often remember things we didn’t intend to learn and we often do not remember things we did want to learn.
He also says that repetition doesn’t guarantee learning.
From junior high onward, Willingham says that school is made up mostly of three basic tasks: listening, reading and taking tests — and these are the three areas of learning he covers in his book.
He talks about so many important things. For example, he describes how to extract the important information from a lecture, a lab or a demonstration. And he goes into detail about how to take notes, and how to organize materials.
Interestingly, he also talks about the dangers of having a computer open in the classroom — even if the student is taking notes on it — and I think we all know what he means: it is tempting to look at other things and do other things while the laptop is open. Willingham suggests that students who are allowed to have laptops open in class put the laptop on airplane mode so they do not do other activities during class
Willingham even gives advice for instructors about how to present material so that it will be clearer and more easily learned. And he gives more such advice in another of his books, Why Students Don’t Like School.
Whether all of his ideas are backed up by research on the particular methods he is recommending is unclear to me. But his books are heavily referenced, he has clearly studied the existing literature on learning, and his own background in cognitive science is extensive.
You may want to read these books. You may even want to donate a couple of Willingham’s books to the principal of your child’s school and ask if they can incorporate some of what he has to say into in-service training for teachers. Furthermore, you may want to ask the principal of your child’s school to institute some new curriculum for the students on how to study and learn effectively, or even suggest that a course be offered in this subject – especially in seventh or ninth grades when learning becomes more complex. I say this because teaching kids how to learn is not a job parents should feel they have to take on entirely by themselves.
In fact, I think it would be hard to impart Willingham’s ideas to your own children. Kids often resist parents’ efforts to help them learn. But if done at school, as part of the curriculum, it seems to me that teaching strategies for studying and learning – including many of Willingham’s ideas – could be extremely helpful.
Teachers receive a lot of information about pedagogy. They go to college to learn how to teach, they go to conferences to learn more and they are often provided with materials during seminars at the schools where they work. But kids, as Willingham says, are rarely taught how to learn.
It is about time that we helped kids learn how to learn, that we helped teachers teach kids how to learn, and that we helped teachers teach in a way that makes it easier for kids to learn.
PS
This book isn’t just for parents and teachers – it can be helpful to anyone still engaged in the learning process – including at work. Check out, especially, the chapter on procrastination!
This is an excerpt from my new book, How Children Grieve: What Adults Miss and What They Can Do to Help (2024) Alcove Press.
While it is the normal order of things for a grandparent to die during the life of a child, such an event can be a salient moment: The loss of a grandparent may be your child’s first experience with death. It can bring up all sorts of feelings, questions, worries, and concerns.
But please, don’t be afraid to talk about any and all of this with your child. You don’t need special training or professional advice to do this. Just try to talk with your child simply and honestly.
If your child and their grandparent were close, it is, of course, an extremely sad and painful experience when the grandparent dies. A grandparent can be a unique source of love, comfort, and support for a child. Often grandparents indulge the child’s wants and needs more lavishly than the parents do, and as a result, your child may feel particularly sad when she loses her grandparent.
For this reason, as much love, comfort and reassurance as you can provide will be welcomed by your child. But at the same time, your child may have concerns that they are not easily reassured about.
This is OK.
Death is scary for all of us – –
but it is also part of life.
When a grandparent dies, your child can have new fears about death, and it may occur to them that you could die or even that they themselves could die.
This can raise existential issues for the child: What is death? What does it mean to die? What happens after you die?
These questions are difficult, and you may struggle to answer them.
But after the death of a grandparent, you can not only explain about death and what it is, if necessary, but you can also talk about what it means to lead a long and productive life. It can be comforting for the child to know that the grandparent was older and got to have many years of life.
However, the death of a grandparent is complicated because it often involves a double loss. Not only does your child feel her own feelings of sadness and loss, but she must also deal with the grief you and/or your partner feel. It may be a new and troubling experience for your child to see you cry or be sad for an extended period of time—and you may be less available for a while, both emotionally and in terms of doing all the things you usually do for your child.
Your child may need more from you than you feel you can provide for a little while.
You will do your best, but it is also important for you to get all the help you need with your own grief process. You may need some time to yourself, you may need to reach out to friends to talk or you may even seek some psychotherapy to help process your loss.
But eventually, your child will have feelings and thoughts that will require your attention.
For example, Kyra was 6 when her grandmother died. She and her grandma had not had a particularly close relationship as her grandmother had lived in another city and also because her grandmother was rather aloof as a person. But still, Kyra had questions. She asked her mother what happens after death. When her mother answered, “Nothing,” Kyra became preoccupied by the idea of “nothing.” What could it be like to be dead and be “nothing”? Where was her grandmother and what was it like for her? And what would happen when Kyra herself became “nothing”? Kyra didn’t speak to anyone about her worries, but she found herself thinking about being “nothing” every night while trying to fall asleep.
Or, for another example, Jacob was 12 when his grandfather died. Jacob loved his grandfather dearly and had seen him often during his first 11 years of life. He did all he could to help in the last months of his grandfather’s life, visiting often, cleaning up his grandfather’s yard, and bringing him his favorite treats.
Jacob was alarmed as his grandfather’s appearance began to change. His grandfather had married and had children late in life and he was quite old, even for a grandfather. After his 89th birthday, he started to become weaker. He became pale, and he did not feel much like eating. He was thinner each time Jacob saw him. After visits with his grandfather, Jacob would go to his room and take a nap. Clearly, being with his grandfather was something he wanted, but it was also disturbing and depleting for him. Rather than facing his disturbing feelings, he preferred to sleep.
Jacob’s parents were worried about him and asked a friend who was a therapist whether or not Jacob should continue to visit his grandfather as frequently. The friend suggested that Jacob come to see him, and he took the time to sit down with Jacob to talk with him about his grandfather. Knowing that Jacob was interested in science, the friend thought that it might help to explain what was happening inside his grandfather’s body. They talked about aging and why certain organs begin to break down. Jacob’s grandfather was very old and he had lived a long, productive life. They talked about this and they also talked about how hard it is to watch as someone you love get closer to dying.
Jacob left the friend’s house in a lighter mood. Because he was a boy who used his intellect to help him understand and process things, he had benefited from learning more about why his grandfather was losing weight and what the future might look like.
Jacob continued to visit his grandfather often, and while very sad after each visit, he seemed more able to manage his sadness than he had been previously. He got a lot of satisfaction out of helping his grandfather, bringing him his favorite ice cream, and doing chores around his grandfather’s house and yard. Eventually, Jacob also brought his homework over to his grandfather’s house and sat in the living room doing his work while his grandfather rested on the couch.
When his grandfather died at age 90, Jacob was very sad. But he wanted to go to the funeral and the graveside service and he wanted to help out at the reception afterwards. He wanted to make his grandfather’s last party nice and he worked hard to help his parents to prepare for all the visitors ahead of time.
Continuing Connections
Continuing connections to those we’ve lost are important. There are so many ways that a child can feel a continued connection to a grandparent. Often they cherish memories of things they did together. Or they replay advice their grandparent gave them. Some love to hear funny or interesting stories about their grandparent, and some will want to have something that belonged to their grandparent. Some will benefit from making an album of photos they can keep or a video they can look at whenever they feel the desire.
But of course, not all grandparents and grandchildren are close and not all grandparents are kind. Depending on the type of relationship your child had with her grandparent, the amount of grief she feels and her desire for connection will vary.
Some children may want to go to the funeral, some may want to visit the cemetery where their grandparent is buried; some may want to bring flowers or a stone to put at the grave. Some may want to attend yearly religious remembrances, and some may want to do none of these things.
In all cases, even if the relationship with the grandparent was not entirely positive, it is important for the adults in the family to bring the grandparent up in conversation from time to time so that the child knows that when someone has died, they are not forgotten and that we can continue to think about our them and to process what they meant to us throughout our lives.
Thoughtful Parenting 