Thanksgiving Table Discussions

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thanksgiving_table_2000x1200

Dr. Corinne Masur

Here is a post which I have updated from 2016 – merely by changing one name….

People are afraid this Thanksgiving– not of the usual dried out turkey, but of the discussions that are anticipated at the table. Some are even skipping Thanksgiving altogether, in order to avoid painful conversations and heightened tension at their usual holiday gathering places.

This year poses great challenges for families – and reminds many of 2016. The interpersonal differences and conflicts that we expect to experience at the holidays are trumped by the election hangover. Families that have members who voted for both Harris and Trump are grappling with what do do.

For those who have decided to meet anyway, and even for those who disagree on the election results, there’s something that CAN be agreed on: concern over what children will hear at the holiday table and what it means to them.

Conflict of any sort, but especially loud conflict, can be scary to babies and children. And people sitting at Thanksgiving tables where the election results will be discussed are likely to experience and express conflict as well as angst, worry, and fear about what the future will bring.

What to do for the children? At what point is it time for them to be excused? And what do we say about why they need to be excused, about the discussion, the conflict, the disagreement, the worry and about the actual content of what is being said?

These are such hard questions – and parents all over this country are searching for answers to them.

For Harris supporters, the next four years look bleak. Many are scared. Many are worried about what will happen to themselves and to their families, to friends who are immigrants, to LGBT loved ones, to the environment, to international relationships…the list goes on.

Trump supporters, on the other hand, may be worried about the opposition, which is already being voiced toward their new president elect. They may be angry about this opposition.

On both sides there are strong feelings. And while children can certainly listen to and take part in calm discussions where differences of opinion are voiced, loud, angry discussions are not helpful to their sense of safety and well being.

So here are my suggestions:

1. Prepare your children for what to expect:

Before the holiday, talk to your children about what may happen at Thanksgiving. Talk to them about the possibility that there will be discussions about the election, about President Elect Trump and Kamala Harris, and that people may have strong feelings about them. Reassure your children by telling them that people can disagree on subjects, they can even raise their voices, but they can still care about each other and love each other. For example, you can say, “When we visit Aunt May, relatives will be there who have different opinions about the election. They will talk about what they did not like about Kamala Harris/Donald Trump. They may even get upset. People have strong feelings about this election and not everybody agrees. No matter what people say, you will be safe at Aunt May’s and you can always ask me questions about anything that anybody says.

2. Bring distractions:

Before Thanksgiving, go out and get some art supplies, Legos, or small projects – whatever your children like to do – and take them with you, without telling your children that you have them. If you feel that a discussion is getting too heated, excuse the children from the table and set them up in another room, preferably out of ear shot, to do their surprise projects.

3. Process:

Each time there is a heated discussion, talk to your children afterwards. Ask them what they heard and what they felt. Let them ask questions about the experience.

4. Content:

If this is possible in your family, at the beginning of your gathering ask all assembled members to be mindful of the fact that children are present and to speak accordingly.

Also, have one person in the room who will stay mindful of how children are hearing the discussion and be willing to take the children elsewhere to play a game, watch a video, etc. if the discussion becomes too heated.

And what if your children ask why President Elect Donald Trump or Kamala Harris does “bad” things?

You can tell children of any age that people are not perfect, that everyone makes mistakes, and that it is important to try to fix mistakes once they’ve been made.

You can also tell them that when people talking about politics are angry, sometimes they exaggerate or they say things that aren’t true. For example, someone in the family may have said something that was not true about Harris or Trump. You can tell your children that it’s not the right thing to do and we try not to exaggerate or speak meanly about others, but when we are angry we may sometimes do this.

Also, remind your children that this country was born from controversy – that in forming this democracy, in writing the declaration of independence and the constitution, people disagreed and argued and finally compromised enough to produce finished documents. Educate your children about the value of debate and discussion. Tell them about the Supreme Court and Congress, and how very smart people continue to discuss and debate how best to govern our nation. For older children and teens, the film, “Lincoln” may be instructive – or you may find other films and/or books on this subject.

What if your children feel frightened because they overheard that President Elect Trump doesn’t know what he’s doing or doesn’t have good judgment or doesn’t have enough experience to be president?

In this case, as in the case with all questions coming from your children, you must try to walk a difficult line: reassure your child as much as possible in order for him or her to feel safe while also being as truthful as possible. If your child says that they have heard that Trump is not a good person or is not choosing good people for his Cabinet, then you can explain the system of checks and balances to your child, saying that there are three branches of government and no one gets to have all the power, which protects us when one branch isn’t doing a good job. With older children, you can take the opportunity to look up relevant information online and to learn about how our democracy works to protect us.

5. Turn Passive Into Active

For children who are feeling frightened or helpless in light of difficult family discussions or just because of the accumulated information they have received about this election, engage them in projects where they get to be active in helping. Have them write a letter with suggestions to President Elect Trump. Or have them write a letter of condolence to Kamala Harris. Or ask them what they would do better if THEY were elected president and what they would like our democracy to look like.

And whatever you do, remember, this is a process. You can continue to talk to your children about different family members’ opinions, the way they expressed them, and about the election and its results for months to come.

So, good luck with this difficult Thanksgiving – and let’s all hope that at least the turkey will be moist this year.

The Holidays Can Be Stressful – But Here’s Something Fun!

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Thanksgiving is here (in the US) and other holidays are coming up fast. This is supposed to be a joyous time – but as we all know, it can be stressful!

Will all the cooking and preparing get done? Will the children have needs and wants that get in the way of getting things done? After the family and friends arrive, will people talk about politics? Will a fight break out? Will children jump up from the table and run around while everyone is eating?

Well, yes, some of these things may happen.

But there ARE some things you can do to reduce the stress somewhat. First of all, try to do as much as you can ahead of time. Instead of doing everything on Thanksgiving Day, start the preparations several days in advance and do a little each day.

Secondly, try to keep your kids busy. On the day of the holiday, before everyone comes, or before you go to the house where the holiday is being celebrated, give them an art project to do while you cook or make preparations: let them make holiday pictures to put up. Let them make a holiday card to give each guest. Have them make little place cards so people will know where to sit at the table.

And thirdly, let children get involved with food prep. They feels so proud when something they helped to make is served. And they may be more likely to eat it if they had a hand in making it!

A day or two ahead, let children help you make the recipe below:

You can keep these covered in the refrig for a day or two and then cook right before you serve the meal:

Steve’s Sweet Potato Marshmallow Balls

You will need:

sweet potatoes

1 bag normal sized marshmallows (not mini)

brown sugar

butter

corn flakes

Roast how ever many sweet potatoes you need (1 per 2 people). Place unpeeled sweet potatoes on a cookie sheet and roast at 400 degrees until soft (45 min to an hour).  Let sweet potatoes cool then remove the skin and put into a large mixing bowl. Mash the potatoes using a potato masher or hands.  After mashing add a little brown sugar. Taste. Make sure they are the level of sweetness you and your child like (this may require a bit of negotiation).

Now for the fun part!

Put corn flakes on a cookie sheet with sides and have your child mash with his/her fists.

Then have your child stand at the counter and take one marshmallow. Take a scoop of sweet potato and form into a ball around the marshmallow.  Each ball should be larger than a golf ball but smaller than a baseball.

Roll each sweet potato ball in the corn flakes to coat.

Place finished sweet potato balls on a greased cookie sheet.  Put a small pat of butter on top of each one.

Refrigerate for later use or bake right away at 375 for 15 or 20 minutes or until the marshmallows inside are gooey.  Do not leave in too long or the marshmallows will totally melt and your child will be disappointed.  You can always take one out to test the marshmallow inside!

Serve warm.

Are Kids Safer at School With or Without Their Phones?

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This is Part 2 of a series on phones at school.

In my previous post on the topic of phones in schools, I wondered why we haven’t already helped kids avoid distraction by putting smartphone bans in place at all schools. UNESCO has recommended that this be done worldwide 1and there are a large number of studies demonstrating why this is important.2,3

In researching the answer to this question, I found out that while some states have put legislation in place allowing school districts to enact smartphone bans at school, other states hesitate to do so because there are parents who are against this—and some have even sued school districts.4

Coincidentally, I recently received a notification from Delaney Ruston, M.D., who writes the blog Screenagers on just this topic.5

She wrote that one reason some parents object to kids not having their phones with them during the school day is that the parents think it is safer for them to have their phones in case of a school emergency. They want their children to be able to contact them.

Ruston has called for a national survey on the opinions of Americans as to whether children are safer with or without phones at school, but in the meantime, before such a study can be carried out, she did a little survey of her own—not scientific—but meaningful nonetheless.

She asked numerous people what they thought and these are some of the responses she received:

Superintendent

“We had a real-time emergency…We went into lockdown, and moments after that, students started communicating with their parents, texting, and calling from their cell phones. As a result, our first responders were arriving at the school, and we had parents lined up in our driveway, and the first responders literally couldn’t get their vehicles to our school. The driveway was backed up all the way to the street.“

Police Officer

“I do not like children having access to their phones directly in school because of the safety aspect of it. You can’t get away from … the misinformation that gets presented. The slightest little rumor of a threat or the slightest statement that gets made, which isn’t investigated, gets circulated quicker than the police even get notification or before staff gets notified.”

Elementary School Principal

“When I was a principal at a high school, we had a lockdown occur one time, and because all of the students got on their phones immediately, the network of the school crashed, and then none of our phones worked.”

“I am not a proponent of cell phones, especially during an emergency situation.”

School safety expert who consults with schools across the country

“One of the biggest arguments parents have is that kids should have access to phones, especially high school, during the day in the event of an emergency and a security breach. And, we tell them, no, the first thing we want to have is first responders in the building as soon as possible. We have to speed up our responses to emergencies, not slow them down.”

“I would like to see a policy where there’s no phones allowed, bell to bell. Period. Put in the lockers or some other kind of system where there’s accountability that those kids can’t access them.”

So, here are some experts, people on the ground taking care of kids and in charge of public safety, who say that phones do not make kids safer at school.

It is also important to consider that the use of cell phones during unfolding school emergencies can distract students from what they are being told to do by school staff to preserve their safety.

And beyond the potentially negative effects of cell phones used during emergencies, students have used cell phones to make bomb threats, plan school shootings, and make individual threats to other students. And phones have also been used for cyberbullying and for instigating and organizing fights and other safety disruptions at school.5

So, now that you have heard some of the reasons why smartphones may not actually make children safer at school, what do you think? Are children safer and better off at school with or without their phones?

References

1. https://devbusiness.un.org/news/unesco-calls-global-ban-smartphones-sch…

2. https://www.jeremyajorgensen.com/the-impact-of-cellphone-use-on-student….

3. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9676861/

4. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1287931.pdf

5. https://www.screenagersmovie.com/blog/how-phone-bans-improve-school-saf…

6. https://schoolsecurity.org/trends/cell-phones-and-text-messaging-in-sch…

Should Schools Ban Cell Phone Use During Class?

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In September 23, 2024, Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Phone-Free Schools Act into law. This legislation requires all public schools in California to develop and implement policies restricting student cell phone use during school hours – unless needed for individualized instruction, medical necessity or an emergency situation. 1

Meanwhile Florida banned phones altogether as of July 1 of this year. 1

In Connecticut the State Board of ED introduced voluntary guidelines this past summer allowing individual school districts to design their own policies. Guidelines suggest that elementary and middle schools remove all cell phones and similar devices – but they do not mandate it. 1

Indiana is a little stricter, having passed a law which went into effect July 1 of this year requiring all educational institutions to establish guidelines for prohibiting phone use in classrooms. 1

In Delaware, money has been set aside for a cell phone pilot program which will require students to put their phones in pouches during the school day. 1

And the variations continue, state by state.

But why?

There is a large body of literature that looks at smartphone use and academic performance.

And, as might be expected, smartphone use is associated with poorer course comprehension, lower GPA’s, poor sleep quantity, decreased life satisfaction, and higher rates of anxiety, loneliness, and depression. 3

It has been well documented that cell phone use in class is also a common source of distraction and leads to decreased focus. 2

In a study of college students, one group whose cell phones were removed were compared to another group of students who were allowed to keep their cell phones. Results indicated that students whose smartphones were physically removed during class had higher levels of course comprehension, lower levels of anxiety, and higher levels of mindfulness than the control group. 3

We know that cell phone use at school also facilitates cheating on tests, as well as allowing sexting and cyberbullying during class time.

And if all that were not enough, UNESCO has called for a WORLDWIDE ban on cell phone use in schools. 5

So why have we not done more to help our kids stay away from their cell phones during the school day?

Well, as it turns out, parents don’t always like cell phone bans. When The Department of Education in New York City implemented a district-wide cell phone ban in 2005, parents sued. They weren’t successful in overturning the ban, but they did spend a considerable amount of resources to challenge the ban. Lawyers for the parents argued that the board overreached its authority by denying parents their constitutional right to stay in contact with their children in school. The challenger also alleged that the cell phone ban violated the U.S. Constitution because it “infringed on parents’ fundamental right to provide for the care, custody, and control of their children” (Price et al. v. New York City Board of Education, 2007, p. 7) 4

It turns out that banning or restricting cell phone use in schools is extremely controversial. In an article summarizing the lawsuits which have been brought against schools which implemented policies restricting cell phone use, the authors concluded that to prevent further law suits, educational leaders need to develop cell phone use policies and apply them carefully when disciplining students who violate their provisions. The authors of the review found that the courts are generally willing to defer to the authority of educators to enact reasonable cell phone policies in order to preserve school safety and security.

Where do YOU stand on your kids using their phones in school?

Is your desire to communicate with your child during the school day more powerful than your wish to protect your child from distraction during class?

Think about it.

1 https://www.newsweek.com/map-shows-states-school-cellphone-bans-1958547….

2 https://www.jeremyajorgensen.com/the-impact-of-cellphone-use-on-student….


3 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9676861/


4 https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1287931.pdf

5 https://devbusiness.un.org/news/unesco-calls-global-ban-smartphones-schools

What Now?

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As of Weds morning, there are many jubilant Americans and many devastated Americans. 

What can I say that will add anything at this point?

I myself am in a news blackout. That is what I need to do to continue to keep an even keel.

And, at this point everyone needs to find a way to keep themselves stable.

Whether you immerse yourself in the victory or you seek refuge in nature or poetry or music or Netflix or sleep. 

And we need to do this so that we can be available to those who need us – most  especially our children.

Whichever category you fit into, try to remember how you behave and how you speak about the election results in front of your children will influence and affect them.

This will be a confusing time for them.

They are hearing all sorts of things at school, from their friends, on social media and elsewhere. There is a great deal of emotion – elation, anger, sadness, dire predictions, threats, and promises – any of which may or may not be welcome.

So, if, as parents you are overjoyed at the win, if you are celebrating, remember, your kids are watching and you are sending a message about how to handle victory.

Or, if you as parents are upset, frightened, furious or disheartened, also, remember what message you are sending. 

Are your children thinking they can lord the win over their friends who wanted a different result? Are your children upset and afraid about what’s to come?

Children need to be reassured: this is what democracy looks like. There was an election, there was a winner and we must live with the results. 

Children also need to know that the adults in their lives will work to make sure there are other elections in 2 and in 4 years and we will have a choice again then.

They need to know that if we don’t like what happened this time, we can work to tip the scales back in a direction we like better in two years – and we can start to work on that as soon as we feel up to it.

AND parents need to try – no matter what – to reassure their children that they will keep them safe even if there are those who may talk about making changes to our system that we don’t agree with. 

Children need to know that in their house, values of kindness and fairness still apply. 

And if children are getting messages from other kids or teachers at school about who should have won or who did win, they need to know that you want to hear about it and talk about it with them.

However, if children observe parents doom scrolling, or panicking or feeling helpless or hopeless, they may feel that there is no one to help THEM with with their own anxieties.

So, here are some options:

– Whether you feel jubilant or hopeless, try to manage your own feelings in a way that will be tolerable to your children and teens.

– If your kids are anxious, if they are asking lots of questions or finding it hard to go to sleep at night, try to reassure them – especially your children twelve and under. Remind them that you are there for them and will work to keep them safe. Sit with them a little longer before it’s time to go to sleep. Read an extra book with them.

– Remind them that over the arc of history, there have been many heated political campaigns, many changes in government, and many scary and difficult events in this country – but that we are still here.

– Remind them that in this country there are still checks and balances and that the President does not have absolute power. Whether you want him to institute certain changes or you are afraid he will institute certain changes – it is not entirely within his power to do so. 

– Keep the news and political commentary off the screen until your younger kids go to bed

– And with your teenagers, keep the conversation open. Talk to them about how they feel, don’t hide what you feel, but also try not to  denigrate those on the other side of the political spectrum as you talk with them.

***Please comment on this post and tell us how you are feeling and WHAT you are doing – for yourself – and for your children***

It’s Diwali!

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Do you – and your children – know the story?

Today in our parenting group one mother brought up the fact that her two year old was going to learn about Diwali today at pre-school – but she knew nothing about the holiday herself! She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to provide any meaningful context for him when he came home.

I admitted that I knew almost nothing about Diwali myself – but we talked about how important it is for children to be able to enjoy and understand one another’s traditions.

And then another mother in the group came to the rescue and explained the holiday to us. She and her family celebrate Diwali and she told us about what they were going to do this year.

But she also told us that growing up in a Hindu family, she always heard the story of the holiday told from the male point of view and that she had decided a couple of years ago to write the story from the feminine point of view. She wanted her children – as well as others – to learn the story in a new way.

And then she told us the story: she explained that the holiday celebrates Sita, the daughter of earth and an incarnation of the Goddess Lakshmi and her return to freedom after being kidnapped by the evil Ravan. And she went on to say that this story is about Sita’s courage both quiet and loud, never to be mistaken for meekness.

At this time of year there are a LOT of holidays – and it may be confusing for young children, especially those in preschool and kindergarten.

Help them out!

You can begin to explain about religion to them if you have not already done so. And while a complicated topic, you can start by telling them that religion is something that helps people to know what to believe. You can go on to say that people who are one religion believe certain things while people that are a different religion believe different things. You can tell them about what you believe and which holidays you prefer to celebrate – but you can also help them to understand about all the different holidays they will see celebrated at school and in their communities.

And if you or your children (ages 7 and over) want to know more about the first Diwali, you can read about it through the eyes of Sita, and learn how she won the battle of good over evil in the book written by our group member!

Link:https://www.amazon.com/Seeking-Sita-Tejal-Toprani-Misra/dp/1665751010

In The Run-up to the Election, Who Cares About Children and Families, Anyway?

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A recent New Yorker article starts with the following:

“At the end of the summer, the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory on the mental health of the nation’s parents. Too many families, Murthy wrote, are beset by economic factors beyond their control, including the costs of health care, child care, elder care, housing, and groceries. Murthy cited alarming results from a survey by the American Psychological Association, conducted in 2023, in which forty-one per cent of parents said that “most days they are so stressed they cannot function,” forty-eight per cent said that “most days their stress is completely overwhelming,” and fifty per cent said that “when they are stressed, they can’t bring themselves to do anything.” 1

This is outrageous!

So many parents are so stressed!

We have to talk about this.

And it is also time to fully acknowledge how little support there is for families in this country.

Unlike other developed nations, we have little to no governmental support for the care of our young children. Parents are not subsidized to stay home to care for infants and young pre-school aged children – and at the very same time, the survival of most families AND the survival of our economy require both parents to work in most families. 

But, as the article says, “insufficient or erratic child care is a major disruptor of parents’ work schedules”1 and “In eleven states and the District of Columbia, child care costs at least twice as much as typical monthly rent or mortgage payments, and two-thirds of parents nationwide report spending twenty per cent or more of their take-home pay on child care. For sole parents, this share rises to thirty-five per cent.”1

The Build Back Better bill, proposed by President Biden included funding for child care and early childhood education. 

And yet, even knowing how important childcare is to family well being, the Build Back Better agenda did NOT receive widespread bipartisan support, and the provisions for daycare were completely cut from the final bill which was passed, called The Inflation Reduction Act. 2

The Democrats’ plans included universal pre-kindergarten, lower child care costs, paid family and sick leave and the enhanced child tax credit, among other provisions, but all of these were ultimately eliminated during negotiations between Democrats and Republicans. Those cuts became the ninth time in just two and a half years where proposed legislation aimed at helping women and families have been removed, according to a CNN analysis of data from the Congressional Budget Office and Congressional Research Reports.

Paid family leave alone has been trimmed down or dropped five different times since March 2020, and universal pre-kindergarten, paid family leave and an expanded child tax credit were all left out of the Inflation Reduction Act.

Now we have a presidential candidate who is introducing a six-thousand-dollar tax credit for parents of newborns, and a cap on child-care expenditures at seven per cent of a family’s income. She has also signalled her commitment to pro-family economic policy in choosing Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, as her running mate. As Governor, Walz has made school breakfast and lunch free in Minnesota and has made public higher education free for low-income students, he has added more than two billion dollars to Minnesota’s K-12 school budget, expanded the state’s child tax credit, and enshrined paid family and medical leave.

If instituted on a nationwide basis, these policies would do a LOT to decrease family stress – 

and yet the presidential race is still neck in neck. 

Obviously, many fathers and mothers are not putting help for families at the top of their priority list when choosing who to vote for.

It’s obviously time that we name the problem loud and clear: children and families are not considered important in our country. 

To many, “it’s the economy, stupid” which is important. 

But let’s connect the dots: the workers of today, parents, need to be less stressed to do their jobs. And the workers of tomorrow, children, need to be well cared for in order to be the healthy community members and the creative and productive workers the economy needs.

If this is the only argument that will get through to some people, let’s make it!

As Winter suggests in her New Yorker article, a coherent, constructive debate about how to help working parents—about how our politics and institutions can foster a care economy that exists, in one form or another, in virtually every other developed nation on Earth—is needed. 

Let’s start talking!

References and Citations

1 https://www.newyorker.com/news/the-lede/the-real-and-perceived-pressures-of-american-parenthood?

2 CNN

https://www.nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-uncomfortable-t…

https://www.nichd.nih.gov/sites/default/files/publications/pubs/documen…

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/202002/the-deal…

How to Talk With Your Children About the Upcoming Election

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This is an updated version of a post written for the election two cycles ago.

As we approach the presidential election, it’s a good time to talk to your kids about winning and losing.

The subjects of sportsmanship, humility and grace come to mind – as well as braggadocio, sore losing and bitterness.

Whatever side of the electoral battle you are on, you and your children will be having strong feelings.

So what do we say to our children? And at what age are they ready to have this conversation?

Well, really children of any age, starting around 3 know about winning and losing – and they can talk about the feelings that come when they experience each. Of course, depending on your child’s age, you will speak about this differently.

But the place to start is to remind your child – whatever age they are – that how your family feels at this moment about who you want for President is not the way that everyone feels. Some people are for one candidate and some people are for the other. This is a time to talk about values and WHY you prefer the candidate you prefer, what values and policies they represent, and why you are in favor of these.

This is the time to talk about the history of our country and what democracy is all about – and this includes the fact that in our country we allow the people (represented by the electoral college) to choose the president and that we are honor bound to stick with this decision.

HOWEVER – and this is where the more nuanced part of the discussion comes in – it is important, whatever you or your child feel, to help your child to be aware that when other people feel differently than we do, that it is important to treat them and their feelings with respect.

Good sportsmanship is something that kids who play on teams should be learning. You can provide this as an example: after a game, your team shakes hands with the other team to indicate that you both played a good game and that there are no hard feelings left over from the competition.

The losers can feel upset but still lose graciously. This is a concept that can be introduced to a 3 year old and also to a 16 year old.

And the winners can feel happy and joyous – but they can also behave graciously by telling their competitors that they played well. Children can be reminded that bragging about winning is not the way to go, even though inside it feels so good to win.

You can tell your children the story of “burying the hatchet”: when Native American tribes had disputes or wars with each other, when they were over, the two formerly opposing sides literally buried a hatchet in the ground to symbolize the end of the disagreement.

This is a way to handle winning and losing an election too. After someone has won or lost, it is time to bury the hatchet, to accept the defeat or the victory and to move back to getting along.

It is also time to continue to cling to the values you hold dear and to not give up on them.

I fervently hope that both we and our children can do this both before and after the upcoming election.

***************

The Transition to Fatherhood: Pregnancy

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For many men, finding out that their partner is pregnant is the beginning of a roller coaster of feelings and an enormous amount of internal change. For those who welcome the pregnancy, first time fatherhood can represent the real marker of adulthood. And over the months of their partners’ pregnancies, these men often reevaluate their sense of self, their expectations of themselves, their values, their lifestyle and their priorities – and it’s not easy. (1)

They are in the process of a psychological overhaul.

Some men meet the news of the pregnancy with elation, some with mixed feelings and some with dread – but whatever their initial reactions, many men experience the perinatal period as the most stressful time of all in their transition to fatherhood. (2) 

First of all, they often feel a bit disconnected from the reality of the pregnancy. Some take a number of weeks to really accept that the pregnancy exists. Many feel cut off, being able to experience the pregnancy only by proxy. While their partners have the embodied experience of the physical changes of pregnancy, they must rely on second hand accounts. (3)

And in one study, performed by Jan Draper, many of the men found that the reality of their partner’s pregnancies was different than their expectations. Some felt that the reality of the pregnancy alternated with periods during which they went about their lives as usual without an ongoing awareness of the pregnancy: “Some men suggested that their lack of continuous physical experience meant that they were able almost to opt in and opt out of their involvement of the pregnancy; they had an element of choice that their partners did not. These men remained focussed on everyday life, frequently their paid work, rather than on the minutia of the progress of the pregnancy. The sometimes part-time nature of men’s involvement was a theme…James, for example… was committed to the concept of involved fatherhood and apologetically contrasted his choice of part-time involvement with the continuous involvement of his partner. Steve, a novice father, described how the pregnancy kept `drifting away’ and how he felt guilty about `forgetting’ he was a father” (4).

Some also felt surprised by their reactions to their  partners’ changing bodies. Some felt put off by the size of their partner’s bellies and some felt that the pregnant belly was actually a barrier between themselves and their partners.

Some just could not connect the pregnancy to the reality of a baby. One said, “I can see Julie pregnant and I can see her with a baby and the two don’t seem to go together and that’s a really odd feeling and I don’t know how to describe that. You see a pregnant lady and then you see someone with a baby and…. it seems two separate type things” (5)

But getting to see the scans of the fetus as they were happening or feeling the fetus move inside their partners bellies helped many of these men to connect more directly to the pregnancy. One father-to-be said, “It feels nice (feeling the baby’s movements). It does. I think it’s harder for me because I get frustrated that I can’t experience any of it physically at the moment, other than putting my hand on the outside and feeling the movement”. (6)

And all the men in Draper’s study valued and enjoyed the accounts given to them by their partners about the pregnancy and the fetus’s development. 

During their partner’s pregnancies, some men feel the need to take on new responsibilities – to take care of their partner and prepare for the baby’s arrival.  Some feel more protective of their partner and worried about the wellbeing of their unborn child.

But some fathers-to-be may find themselves in conflict – on the one hand, feeling much of the above, and, on the other hand, resenting the new demands and responsibilities – whether the pressure to take these on comes from their partner, from what they perceive as societal expectation or whether it come from within themselves.

Contributing to these feelings may be the fact that in recent years, fathers have been expected to be more hands-on and more involved during the pregnancy and more intimate with their babies and children once they arrive than in previous generations. Fathers are generally expected to take at least an equal role in parenting – a job for which they may feel ill-prepared.

Many men have very little – if any – experience with babies and small children. They may never have held an infant before they hold their own – and they may know almost nothing about child care or child development.

And, of course, it is also confusing – because what constitutes fatherhood is ever-evolving. The wishes and needs of fathers and mothers and the societal norms around parenthood are alway in being reconfigured.  

And then there are the physiological changes involved in impending fatherhood. For example, a study published in the Mayo Clinic Proceedings demonstrated that men go through significant hormonal changes alongside their pregnant partners and that these changes are most likely initiated by their partner’s pregnancy.  The evidence suggests that fathers have higher levels of estrogen, the well-known female sex hormone, than other men and that increase starts 30 days before birth and continues during at least the first 12 weeks after birth – and possibly much longer. Although estrogen is best known as a female sex hormone, it exists in small quantities in men, too. Animal studies show that estrogen can induce nurturing behavior in males. So, it seems increasingly clear that just as biology prepares women to be committed mothers, it prepares men to be dads as well (7).

Furthermore, the study showed that men’s cortisol levels rise in the week before their baby’s birth and their testosterone levels decrease in the week after birth.

And then there are historical considerations in preparing for fatherhood as well: many men reflect on how they themselves were fathered. Old feelings are often stirred up around childhood memories, whether these are fond or those which include deprivation, harsh parenting, and abuse. And for those men who had fathers who were excessively strict, depriving, or angry, there will be many questions about how to father differently than they were fathered. They may have to evaluate how to deal with their own anger in ways distinct from their fathers, how to be more emotionally available than their own fathers, how to be more open than their own fathers, how to be less judgemental than their own fathers and/or how to be more generous than their own fathers 

Fathers-to-be have to consider what they want to take from their own experience of being parented and what they do not. They have to think about what kind of father they want to be and how to separate themselves from automatically fathering as they were fathered. 


And these thoughts can lead to potent feelings of uncertainty. In a study done by Meleagrou-Hutchins, the fathers studied anticipated various profound changes to their personal and professional lives beyond the birth of their baby.  And they worried about their ability to cope with the demands of fatherhood. They were all planning ahead and preparing, to varying degrees, so as to manage, or minimize, the disruption that fatherhood would cause in their lives.

They also felt invisible. Many felt their partners were getting more attention than they were in regard to the upcoming birth and that their health and wellbeing was being overlooked. Some felt sidelined, ignored during medical appointments – and at the same time many wondered whether they were really entitled to support.  Some also felt that they lacked a concrete goal during the pregnancy leading to feelings of powerlessness and frustration (8).

Many of these fathers reported feeling insufficiently supported as they worked to prepare themselves for fatherhood. Many felt their partner was their main source of support and yet they regretted putting further burden on her by needing this from her (9).

Preparing for fatherhood is a complex physiological and psychological process and clearly, men require more support in understanding their own experience as well as more institutional and societal support as they do so.

This is the first in a series on this subject.

Footnotes

1 Meleagrou-Hitchens 2020

2 Genesoni and Talandini, 2009.  

3. Draper

4. Draper, pg 132

5. Draper, p. 132

6. Draper, p 134

7. Berg, 2001

8. Draper, 2000, pg 132

9. Ibid, p. 133

References

Sandra J. Berg, MSc ∙ Katherine E. Wynne Edwards, PhD, Mayo Clinic Proceedings, Changes in Testosterone, Cortisol and Estradiol Levels in Men Becoming Fathers (2001). Vol 7, Issue 6, P582-592June 2001.

Draper, J. (2000). Fathers in the making : men, bodies and babies. (Thesis). University of Hull. Retrieved from https://hull-repository.worktribe.com/output/4211054

Genesoni, L. and Talandini, M., (2009). Men’s Psychological Transition to Fatherhood: A Review of The Literature, Birth, Dec;36(4):305-18. doi: 10.1111/j.1523-536X.2009.00358.x.

Meleagrou-Hitchens, L., Carla Willig (2022). Mens’s experience of their transition to first time fatherhood…. Department of Psychology, School of Arts and Social Sciences, City University London, EC1V 0HB London, UKDOI: 10.31083/jomh.2021.102 Vol.18,Issue 1,January 2022 pp.1-11.

Do Your Kids Procrastinate – Or, For That Matter, Do YOU?

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There are many reasons that we – or our children – may procrastinate. We might fear that we cannot do the thing we are procrastinating about doing. Or we may feel that the job is just too hard and will take too much work. We might feel conflicted about whether we deserve to succeed and as a result we might procrastinate rather than allowing ourselves to move forward and be successful.

Any and all of these things may be true, and it is important to think about what lies behind our procrastination, or the procrastination that we watch our children engage in. But short of a long analysis, the answer may not be forthcoming.

So, here I am going to offer a few tips.

Daniel Willingham, a cognitive scientist and author of How To Outsmart Your Brain and Why Don’t Students Like School? has some ideas.

I am going to summarize them here — and add a few of my own — because we all procrastinate sometimes, and some people, including some of our children, procrastinate a lot:

1. Think up a reward for after the studying or the job is done. It can be a fun activity, time on a video game, or a treat.

Instead of doing this, many procrastinators put the fun first. They say, “Oh just let me play this video game for a while before I study…” But then they find that they play the video game for longer than they intended and don’t have enough — or any — time left to study. Do the hard thing first. Then do the fun thing.

2. Don’t rely on willpower to get the job done, rely on habit. Set up a time to do work — whether it’s homework or studying or a household project and do this each day. In other words, put aside dedicated time to do what you need to do. And do it either at a certain time of day or as part of a sequence of activities each day. And by “a sequence of activities”, I mean that if , for example, rather than saying you will have your child study at 4PM each day, you say that your child needs to start studying after their afternoon snack or, for a college student, they will study after their daily workout even if that’s not at the exact same time each day.

It takes as long as 60 tries for something to truly become a habit, but Willingham says that by doing the same thing over and over, it WILL become a habit.

And he also says that it takes much less energy to engage in a habit than it does to have yourself (or your child) make a choice to do what they need to do each time they need to do it. Willingham says that establishing work or study as a daily habit is better because you remove the need to choose to do the work. You just do it. You don’t have to decide to do it each time.

3. If you or your child are overwhelmed by how much you have to do, make a to-do list before you start doing anything else. 

4. As part of the to do list, break down each of the jobs into manageable tasks. And then give your child or yourself permission to just do one task at a time. Do not look at the whole list. Do not think about all that has to be done. It’s down on paper. You won’t forget. And you also won’t feel as overwhelmed if you just go one task at a time.

Also – expecting yourself just to do a small amount at a time makes the job more approachable. When I was in grad school I did this with running. I didn’t want to run; I was often just too tired or too busy. But if I told myself I only had to go a mile, I would usually start jogging and end up doing the whole 3 miles — or even more — because once I got going it felt better and easier than expected!

5. When it’s time to work, just start. As Nike says…just do it. Willingham reminds us that things we don’t want to do seem worse to us before we do them. Once we start we often find they aren’t as bad as we predicted.

6. Tell others what you are going to be doing — or have your child do this. This makes you — or your child — accountable. People are more likely to do things that others know they are going to do.

7. Plan breaks. Tell yourself — or tell your child — you only have to work for 10 or 20 minutes and then you can take a break. Often giving yourself or your child permission to take a break after a limited amount of work makes starting the task easier and leads to doing it for longer than the 10 or 20 minutes you allotted initially.

7. Be aware of what you — or your child — say in your own mind about the task and your ability to do it. As I said at the start, often procrastinators think something like, “This is too hard” or “I’m not smart enough anyway, so why even start?” These are self-defeating thoughts and they are often incorrect. Be aware that these might get in the way of starting!

Thank you, Daniel Willingham! We all need help with procrastination!

References

Daniel Willingham, Outsmart Your Brain

Daniel Willingham, Why Don’t Students Like School?