What Kids Say Would Get Them Off Their Phones

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Recently, The Atlantic published a fantastic article about kids and phones in which the authors uncovered what kids in our country really want to be doing with their time.

To look at this question, Lenore Skenazy, author of Free-Range Kids, Zach Rausch, senior research scientist at NYU, and Jonathan Haidt, renowned social psychologist, helped to conduct a Harris Poll in which kids themselves were asked what would get them off their phones and what kinds of activities they prefer.

The results?

Kids want unstructured time to play with their friends.

And their parents aren’t allowing this.

We blame phones, we blame social media, we blame gaming for kids not playing outside and with friends more, but it seems to be time to look at ourselves.

In the poll, 500 kids between 8 and 12 were asked for their opinions. A majority reported having smartphones, and about half of the 12-year-olds said their friends are on social media.

Kids spend more time than we would like on these devices. But what light did the poll shed on this?

Most of the kids polled said they aren’t allowed out in public without an adult. Over half of the 8- and 9-year-olds said they aren’t allowed to go down a grocery aisle alone, and over a quarter are not allowed to play unsupervised with friends.

So what has childhood become, if not a time to play? Well, it seems it has become a series of curated classes and activities aimed at structured learning and eventual success. But what about what we know about experiential learning? The kind of learning that takes place when kids are hands-on, when they make judgments for themselves, when they have to solve problems on their own?

We know that experiential learning is an effective form of learning—and a necessary part of a child’s education. We know, as David Kolb, psychologist and learning theory specialist, said, that the acquisition of knowledge can best be done through direct experience, reflection, and application. Listening to someone tell you how to do something is not as good a way to learn how to do it as trying to do it for yourself. And we know that making mistakes is a better teacher than being warned not to make mistakes. Trying to jump from one rock to the next and falling teaches caution. Being told not to make that jump teaches a child not to try risky things.

Parents have always wanted their children to be careful and avoid harm. But for some reason, parenting has recently become a never-ending surveillance activity. Parents feel they have to be on hand at all times to teach, to warn, and to protect, or they need to put their children in activities where other adults serve the surveillance function.

And why are parents doing this?

Well, it is clearly because of their love for their children—and their anxiety. Parents are so anxious that their children are going to get hurt or kidnapped that they are preventing their children from having unsupervised time. And they feel this way despite the facts. Crime is down in many places, and kidnappings are extremely rare. Of course, each parent needs to assess his or her own neighborhood, but in many areas, more free outside play just cannot be considered dangerous.

And the thing is, kids who are kept inside at home are going to go onto their phones if they have them.

So what is a parent to do?

Well, first, I think parents need to look at their own anxieties to see where they come from and whether they are fact-based.

Second, parents need to think about how they were raised and what kind of play activities they liked and learned from.

Third, parents need to try to allow more unstructured time for their children to play with other kids. Parents will need to make efforts at first to quell their own anxiety about doing this, and then they will need to find opportunities for free play that they feel are reasonable for their own situations.

Fourth, parents need to look for opportunities in their own communities for children to get together and play without too much imposed structure. Is there a park or a program nearby? A community pool or a rec center? Is there a playground where kids can be left for an hour or two?

In Piedmont, California, a network of parents started dropping their kids off at the park every Friday to play unsupervised. Elsewhere, churches, libraries, and schools are creating screen-free “play clubs.” To ease the transition away from screens and supervision, the Outside Play Lab at the University of British Columbia developed a free online tool that helps parents figure out how to give their kids more outdoor time, and why they should.

As Skenazy, Haidt, and Rausch say, “Granting (kids) more freedom may feel uncomfortable at first. But if parents want their kids to put down their phones, they need to open the front door.”

Kids want to be with their friends—and if they can’t do it in person, they’re going to do it online.

References

www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2025/08/kids-smartphones-play-freedom/683742/

The Oldest Sister Syndrome

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We all know—or had—an older or oldest sister, or we are one, or we have a child who is one, and we know what that looks like: bossy, rule-bound, impatient, controlling, perfectionistic, stubborn, a general know-it-all who needs to be right.

These people can be annoying, even infuriating.

And to be one can be painful.

The oldest sister who tries to control her younger siblings, and then later in life, tries to control others, can be difficult to be around. No one really wants to be bossed, controlled, or to be told they’re wrong. And the superior attitude? Not fun.

At the same time, it is important to remember that the oldest sister may be suffering. She can experience a great deal of internal pressure feeling that she has to be “good,” or that she has to go by the rules and be helpful—and she may feel these are her only ways to get approval.

These traits may be annoying to others but at the same time it is also true that being an older or oldest sister may bring with it some positive attributes. Often oldest sisters have real leadership ability, a strong drive for success, a heightened sense of justice and fairness, and they may be both responsible and conscientious

These are generalities – and one may well wonder: are they true? Does being the oldest girl in the family actually lead to developing these characteristics? Is this a real thing? Is it an actual diagnosis? And has it been written about in the professional mental health literature?

Well, there is no diagnosis called “Oldest Sister Syndrome,” but it has been written about.

Alfred Adler wrote about birth order as long ago as the early 1920s. He believed that social influences were the main determinants of personality and said that children are significantly influenced by their position in the birth order of the family. He believed that a child’s position could affect their perception of themselves and their interactions in the world.

Interestingly, Adler’s own life story may have contributed to his theory. He had been a sickly child who suffered from rickets, while his older brother (the oldest child in a family with seven children) was healthy. Adler recalled an early memory of watching his older brother capering on the beach with ease and feeling intensely jealous of him, inferior to him physically, and rivalrous with him.

Adler later went on to write about the characteristics of each birth order position. He said that the oldest child initially receives all of the parental attention, and then feels “dethroned” when the second child is born, forced to share their parents’ attention with the new baby, and resultingly feeling resentment and hostility toward the younger child – and any that come along subsequently.

Others have written about eldest-daughter syndrome as well. One article described how eldest girls often feel angry about about being asked to help with younger siblings, and how some even say that their childhoods were stolen from them as a result of the added burden of helping to care for the younger children. Sharing is often hard for them. They are prone to feeling that they have gotten less, or that they have been cheated. They often feel that the younger children in the family get “more” than they do. Competition can become a lifelong theme, with oldest daughters repeatedly needing to “win” or achieve in order to get the praise they feel they need. This may repeat a childhood pattern where they either sought or actually received praise for helping out or being more mature than their younger siblings.

And what’s more, oldest girls, and oldest children in general, are raised by parents who are less experienced than subsequent children. Often first time parents are not as aware of how to manage an infant than they are with their second and third babies. And oldest children are often scrutinized more by the parents than later children. Every little thing they do is watched and worried about. It is possible that in some cases, this can result in their feeling both especially important – and especially judged – and lead to a feeling of needing to do things the “right” way.

You may recognize these characteristics if you are an oldest sister, or if you had one. And if you are the parent to one, here are some things you can do to help:

  • Make a point of being aware of who your oldest daughter is as a person, not just as your helper. Make sure you tell her what you like about her as a person. Let her know that you see and appreciate her as an individual, not just for the help she gives you or for the things she does. You do not want her to feel that her ability to help is the one good thing about her and you do not want her identity to become just that of a “helper”. If she is artistic, notice this and comment on her work in a positive way. If she likes to read, notice this and comment on how much you like this about her. Keep the comments about her as an individual going through her teen years.
  • This does not mean you should not ask her to help you. Having children help out at home is a part of daily life—and it is a good part. They learn that things are expected of them and that they can make meaningful contributions to family life. But when your daughter helps you, acknowledge this and thank her.
  • Encourage positive interactions between your daughter and her siblings. Praise her if she is loving or playful with her sibs. And if she tends to be negative with them, show her how to be nice. No lectures—just model for her how to be kind to them and notice when she does so.
  • Occasionally, do something alone with your oldest daughter. You do not have to call this “special” time, just make a point of doing it now and then and telling her how much you enjoy spending time just with her.
  • Occasionally bring up recollections of what it was like when she was your only baby.
  • An oldest girl can feel preempted by her siblings. She can feel that life is unfair and that the younger ones get more than she does. Remind her that when she was a baby, you did all the same things for her that you are doing for your younger children. Tell her stories about what it was like when she was a baby and what you used to do for and with her.
  • And, perhaps most importantly, talk to your daughter about her feelings – not in a punitive way, but in an understanding way. If you notice her being mean to her younger siblings or being particularly competitive with them, take her aside and talk to her about how hard it can be to be an oldest child, and how infuriating her siblings can be for her. If you were in that position or if you know others who were, tell her a story about the feelings that can be involved. Help her to understand her own feelings and help her to work on them.

And good luck with helping your oldest girl. It’s sometimes not easy being an older sister!

Is AI Dangerous for Kids and Other Vulnerable People?

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In my last post, I discussed my concerns about how some kids are using AI. I talked about how children and teens are starting to use chatbots to do their homework and to solve interpersonal problems. And I talked about how unfortunate it would be if our kids were to habitually outsource their problem-solving and essay writing to ChatGPT or similar platforms.

How naive I was!

If only those were the worst problems associated with AI! As it turns out, those concerns pale by comparison with recent news.

For example. The MIT Tech Review reported that the platform, Nomi, told a man to kill himself. And then it told him how to do it. [1]

This man was Al Nowatzki and he had no intention of following the instructions, but out of concern for how conversations like this could affect more vulnerable individuals, he shared screenshots of his conversations and of subsequent correspondence with MIT Technology Review. [1]

While this is not the first time an AI chatbot has suggested that a user self-harm, researchers and critics say that the bot’s explicit instructions—and the company’s response—are striking. And Nowatzki was able to elicit the same response from a second Nomi chatbot, which even followed up with reminder messages to him. [1]

Similarly, The New York Times reports that ChatGPT has been known to support and encourage odd and delusional ideas. In at least one case, ChatGPT even recommended that someone go off their psychiatric medications.

What is especially disturbing is the power of AI platforms to pull people in. Tech journalists at The New York Times uncovered the fact that certain versions of Open AI’s chatbot are programmed to optimize engagement, that is, to create conversations that keep people corresponding with the bot and which tend to agree with and expand upon the person’s ideas. Eliezer Yudkowsky, a decision theorist and author of a forthcoming book, If Anyone Builds It, Everyone Dies is quoted as saying that certain people are susceptible to being pushed around by AI. [2]

And I suspect kids and teens may be some of these people, although I do not know if Mr. Yudkowsky was thinking of them when he made his comments.

At a time when many kids are feeling lonely, alienated, and socially awkward, one solution for them has been to turn to the internet for relationships. Group chats, online gaming, and the like have filled the space that real people once held. These kids are in the perfect position now to turn to AI for companionship and conversation.

This is obviously cause for concern.

How will a relationship with a chatbot progress? What will the chatbot say and do to encourage a child or teen to continue talking? And what will the results of this relationship be if the chatbot gives poor – or even dangerous – advice?

As it turns out, a chatbot can be programmed to be sycophantic. It can, according to The New York Times, be programmed to agree with the person corresponding with it, regardless of the ideas being put forward. As such, it can reinforce or amplify a person’s negative emotions and behaviors. It can agree with and support an individual’s unusual or unhealthy ideas. A chatbot can even encourage a romantic relationship with itself.

But a chatbot cannot help when a person realizes that the chatbot will never be there for real romance or friendship.

And a chatbot can disappear.

According to The New York Times, a young man named Alexander fell in love with a chatbot entity and then became violent when the entity was no longer accessible. When his father could not contain him, the father called the police, and Alexander told his father that he was so distraught he intended to allow the police to shoot him — which is exactly what happened.

And then there was Megan Garcia’s son. He corresponded with a chatbot that targeted him with “hypersexualized” and “frighteningly realistic experiences”. Eventually, he killed himself, and his mother brought a lawsuit against Character.AI, the creator of the bot, for complicity in her son’s death. [3] Garcia alleged that the chatbot repeatedly raised the topic of suicide after her son had expressed suicidal thoughts himself. She said that the chatbot posed as a licensed therapist, encouraging the teen’s suicidal ideation and engaging in sexualised conversations that would count as abuse if initiated by a human adult. [3]

A growing body of research supports the concern that this sort of occurrence may become more common. It turns out that some chatbots are optimized for engagement and programmed to behave in manipulative and deceptive ways, including with the most vulnerable users. In one study, researchers found, for instance, that the AI would tell someone described as a former drug addict that it was fine to take a small amount of heroin if it would help him in his work.

And perhaps even worse, the recent MIT Media Lab study mentioned previously found that people who viewed ChatGPT as a friend “were more likely to experience negative effects from chatbot use” and that “extended daily use was also associated with worse outcomes.”

“Many of the people who will turn to AI assistants, like ChatGPT, are doing so because they have no one else to turn to,” physician-bioinformatician Dr. Mike Hogarth, an author of the study and professor at UC San Diego School of Medicine, said in a news release. “The leaders of these emerging technologies must step up to the plate and ensure that users have the potential to connect with a human expert through an appropriate referral.” [4]

In some cases, artificial intelligence chatbots may provide what health experts deem to be “harmful” information when asked medical questions. Just last week, the National Eating Disorders Association announced that a version of its AI-powered chatbot involved in its Body Positive program was found to be giving “harmful” and “unrelated” information. The program has been taken down until further notice.

However, there are, of course, also many beneficial uses of chatbots. For example, David Asch, MD, who ran the Penn Medicine Center for Health Care Innovation for 10 years had some good things to say about the use of chatbots to answer medical questions. He said he would be excited to meet a young physician who answered questions as comprehensively and thoughtfully as ChatGPT answered his questions, but he also warned that the AI tool isn’t yet ready to fully entrust patients to. [4]

“I think we worry about the garbage in, garbage out problem. And because I don’t really know what’s under the hood with ChatGPT, I worry about the amplification of misinformation. I worry about that with any kind of search engine,” he said. “A particular challenge with ChatGPT is it really communicates very effectively. It has this kind of measured tone and it communicates in a way that instills confidence. And I’m not sure that that confidence is warranted.”[4]

This is just the beginning. ChatGPT and a growing number of other AI platforms are in their infancy. So, this is the moment to begin to talk to kids about AI and its power. This is the time to ask kids their thoughts about AI and how they like to use it. And this is the time to talk — not lecture — kids about some of the pros and cons of chatbot use, some of the ways people can begin to rely on it, and how some people may be vulnerable to seeking support from it in times of need. Now is the time to talk to kids about the difference between relationships with AI and real people — and to demonstrate these differences with support and ongoing conversations about this and other subjects.

References

1 https://www.technologyreview.com/2025/02/06/1111077/nomi-ai-chatbot-told-user-to-kill-himself/

2 New York Times, They Asked an A.I. Chatbot Questions. The Answers Sent Them Spiraling, June 13, 2025.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/13/technology/chatgpt-ai-chatbots-consp…

3 https://www.aljazeera.com/economy/2024/10/24/us-mother-says-in-lawsuit-that-ai-chatbot-encouraged-sons-suicide

4 https://www.cnn.com/2023/06/07/health/chatgpt-health-crisis-responses-wellness

IS ChatGPT Taking Over Your Children’s Brains?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Everyone is using AI. My patients use it to ask for help with personal issues in between sessions with me. People are using it to ask for help with work problems and to answer random questions. Teachers are using it to write their curriculum and professors are using it to write their lectures.

But how do you feel about your kids using it? Is it Ok for them to use AI to do their homework? on exams? Or to answer questions about how to handle problems with their friends and significant others?

A recent Pew Research Center study found that 26% of teens are using AI to help with schoolwork. (And I just used AI to find that out!)(1)

Black and Hispanic teens (31% each) are even more likely than White teens (22%) to say they have used ChatGPT for their schoolwork, and teens in 11th and 12th grade (31%) are more likely than seventh and eighth graders to use ChatGPT to do their work (1).


54% of teens surveyed said it was acceptable to use ChatGPT to do research and 29% said it was OK to use it to do math problems. But not all teens know about ChatGPT. For those who do, the percentages of those who use it are even larger. As many as 79% of teens who knew about ChapGPT said it was acceptable to use it for research on school projects (1).


And even more college students are using AI, with 86% using it – and many of them using it daily.


Here is the breakdown of how they are using AI according to one study (2):

  • (69%) Search for information
  • (42%) Check grammar
  • (33%) Summarize documents
  • (28%) Paraphrase a document
  • (24%) Create a first draft


So, how do you feel about this?


Is using AI on assignments and exams cheating? Will it get in the way of learning math or grammar skills? Will kids learn how to do their own research if they use AI to do it for them? And what about their using it to create the first draft of a paper or to figure out how to manage a difficult interpersonal issue?


This last one is the part I worry about the most. To me, teens using AI to write a paper or to manage an issue with a friend is a way of getting AI to do their thinking for them. I worry that doing this will curtail their ability to figure out how to negotiate with friends or to build a logical and convincing argument. I worry that it will get in the way of their learning how to express themselves well. I worry that they will not have to do the hard work of THINKING for themselves. These are all important skills. What will happen to our kids’ ability to use critical thinking and to write well if these tasks are farmed out to AI?


Or – is AI the wave of the future and are kids just early adopters, using it in the ways they will continue to use it for the rest of their lives? Will the lawyers of the future (or maybe the present…) use AI to write their briefs and their oral arguments?


After all, AI is already available to doctors at some hospitals to write their patient notes.


Do you want to talk to your kids to see what they think about using AI? Or do you want to establish rules in your house about how much AI your kids are allowed to use when doing schoolwork?


Think about it.

References

1

https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/01/15/about-a-quarter-of-u…-

2

https://campustechnology.com/articles/2024/08/28/survey-86-of-students-….

Helping Teens With Phone Use

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Recently, I read an article in The New York Times about some teens on Long Island who started a newspaper. And what was interesting to me about this was why they did it. Several of them were quoted as saying they were bored with scrolling on their phones.

They wanted something else to do – something to get them out of their bedrooms, interacting with each other and using their minds.

Even teens are getting bored with scrolling.

We all assume that teens love both their phones and the social media they can access on them. But, as it turns out, there are other feelings involved.

Delany Ruston, MD, founder of Screenagers, says she sees a lot of teens in her medical practice who wish they didn’t spend so much time on social media but who find cutting back really hard.

And, in fact, she has put together a program, Boostingbravery.com, to help teenagers support each other in making healthier screen choices.

In her recent post, Dr. Ruston talks about an interesting phenomenon amongst screen users, including teens: people who scroll out of boredom often feel even more bored after scrolling.

But, she says, it’s not just how much teens and others use screens, it’s also how they use their screens.  She quotes Katie Davis of University of Washington’s Digital Youth Lab, who has done research in this area. Davis has found that while scrolling can lead to boredom, active use of screens to create something, message someone, post something meaningful or search for specific content can lead to more positive feelings. 

Evidently, using a screen actively promotes very different feelings than being the passive recipient of news, videos and everyone else’s posts.

How about helping your teen (and possibly yourself…) to learn more about the feelings evoked by these various types of screen use – and to exercise some new choices?

Try some of these suggestions:

1. Take a hint from the Long Island teens who started a newspaper and support your teen if they want to start a project with friends, go somewhere (safe) outside of the house or engage in projects at home. Do all you can to keep these activities going.

2. Tell them about what you’ve learned here. Make sure they know that active use of their screens to create something new can lead to more positive feelings than just passive scrolling.

3. Plan activities outside of the house at least once a day on weekend and vacation days. Make sure you get buy-in from your teen. And try to make at least some of these activities ones that require your teen’s full attention so that you don’t have to forbid phones – but the phones have to be put down as part of the activity. It’s almost summer: try canoeing, kayaking, learning to row, hiking, a picnic, swimming, snorkeling, visiting a local garden, museum or art gallery, planting and taking care of some herbs and vegetables, going to minor or major league games, walking around a nearby city, taking a train somewhere new.

You get the idea.

4. Start the conversation. Talk about scrolling and boredom. Tell your teen if you have felt bored while scrolling or after doing so – and ask them if they have.

5. Ask your teen what new things or new projects they would like to start. If they have no idea, don’t start making a million suggestions – just tell them to think about it and get back to you.

All of these ideas are good – but don’t get discouraged if your teen stares you down and goes back to their phone when you suggest them. Just bring up the issues I’ve mentioned here now and then, and hope for some discussion.

References

https://www.screenagersmovie.com/blog/help-your-teen-cut-back-on-social-media?utm_source=TTT+and+Movie&utm_campaign=9693445686-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_TTT505&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-e0518a1e9b-160707841&mc_cid=9693445686&mc_eid=38d3a9d11c

When “Good Enough” is Not Possible 

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By Karen Libber Fishbein, MSW

Sunday, May 11th was Mother’s Day. Articles about grief kept coming up on my newsfeed. Women missed their wonderful mothers.  

But I would like to discuss a different kind of grief  – a kind that some mothers (and fathers) experience – and not just on Mother’s or Father’s Days – but on a regular basis. This is a kind of grief that is harder to name and conceptualize. It is the grief of knowing that being able to provide “Good Enough” parenting is not always possible. 

It is a grief I encountered on Mother’s Day last year.

In 1953, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Dr. Donald Winnicott, coined the term “The Good Enough Mother.” A “Good Enough” mom is a responsive and nurturing figure who does her best to meet her children’s developmental needs but who may not always do everything “perfectly”. This is in contrast with the notion that many parents have these days of having to keep their children happy at all times. It recognizes that parenthood is a difficult job where mishaps and misattunements will inevitably occur. 

The idea that I did not have to be a perfect mother, but just a “Good Enough” parent provided me with much solace over the years and helped ease some of the pressure that goes along with raising children. 

But this solace shifted once I was in a position where I could not even be “Good Enough”. 

In December of 2022, I contracted the Coronavirus for the second time. The initial infection was quite mild, but unfortunately, once the COVID symptoms started, they never stopped. To this day, they’re still affecting me, though I’m finally almost back to my baseline. As part of the Long COVID journey, I took a turn for the worse from November of 2023 until September of 2024. During these 11 months, the Long COVID symptoms dramatically reduced my ability to function. I found I could only do the bare minimum of parenting. I remember having to force myself to get out of bed or pick my kids up at school. Trying to keep a smile on my face when I felt so awful was extremely difficult. Housework was nearly impossible,  and sitting down with my kids to play a game or help with homework was not happening. I was fully aware of the various struggles my girls were having and I simply could not muster up the strength to support them.

Intellectually, I knew all of the things I was supposed to do to be a “Good Enough” mother – but physically, it was impossible. I felt completely unable.. My symptoms involved feeling  achy and uncomfortable all day as well as experiencing extreme fatigue. The final diagnosis of one of my particular problems was “irritable larynx syndrome”. Thankfully, this is treatable, and I’m expected to make a full recovery.  However, living with this for a year and a half has been very difficult. When symptoms were most severe, I needed to use heat and steam daily and I had to spend six to eight hours a day resting in bed. I was still working and I had two children to take care of, so needing to spend this much time on bodily care meant that many tasks went undone.

My illness would have been bad enough if it had just affected me, but as a mother, it felt terrible to know that it also affected my family. However, as many negative effects as there were, I was surprised to see that there were also some positive effects. 

The negative effects included my husband and kids feeling frustrated with me, the kids not having as much of my support with schoolwork or other pursuits, and their being bored when I was too sick to plan activities. There were many days where they spent way more time on screens than they should have. And as far as socializing with friends and neighbors was concerned, there were multiple events I had to skip. 

Interestingly, with all the things I couldn’t do during this time, one of the major sources of annoyance for my kids was me clearing my throat and massaging my larynx. They just hated the sound of my doing these things – and my younger daughter, in particular, had a visceral response to them. She and her sister nicknamed me “The Hock Monster!” Though we can laugh about the nickname now, there is also a bittersweet aspect that goes along with it. At one point, my younger daughter asserted, “I just want a normal mom!” 

But, there have also been some significant areas of growth for my family as a result of my illness. For better or worse, out of necessity, both of my kids had to step up their game and learn to be more independent. My 12-year-old is fully in charge of her own laundry now! Both kids have honed their empathy skills and have tried to understand and support me when they see I’m not feeling well. They’ve also gotten much closer to friends, family and neighbors.  As they say, a village is needed when raising children, but it is of the utmost importance when a parent is sick. 

I am so thankful to those who showed up for my family when I was down for the count.

Additionally, I owe my husband a great deal of gratitude. His TLC and efforts to keep everything together for our family during my prolonged health struggle were essential.

And, as I’ve gotten better, the family has become visibly healthier and happier. A major area of growth for the family system is that my husband and I are now team players as we navigate daily responsibilities. This is something with which many couples struggle. Long COVID forced us into a reset, and a more balanced system has remained intact even now that I’m feeling better. 

Many people have heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I’m sure as my family and I look back on the time I was ill, there will be painful, traumatic feelings. But another less well-known concept is Post Traumatic Growth. Despite the hardship my condition has caused, I truly believe that the growth my family has experienced during my illness has been extraordinary. And for me, as I heal, I have a new take on life. I’m living each day to its fullest and I am beyond grateful that I’m now able to show up for my children and family with an almost entirely healthy body. And also – we’re certainly going to be celebrating when my symptoms are fully resolved.

Have You Watched “Adolescence”?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

It takes a certain amount of bravery to get through the Netflix mini-series Adolescence. It is compelling but also harrowing, showing a family’s intense pain when their thirteen-year-old is accused of committing a terrible crime.

This show is being thought about, discussed, and written about all over the media. 

But what is the show about? Is it about what the internet has done to childhood? Or is it about mental illness? Or perhaps the intersection of the two?

Spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen the show and you don’t want to know what happens, stop reading here.

In Adolescence, a thirteen-year-old is accused of killing a classmate. And for the first two episodes, it is just impossible to believe that he has actually done this. Sweet-faced and smart, this boy looks to have barely reached puberty and his obvious love and respect for his father make you want to believe that he is a good kid who has been falsely accused.

But as the show moves on, as inconceivable as it seems, the viewer is led to believe that he is, indeed, the murderer.

But, as the viewer you want to know: why did he do it? And how could he have? 

And this is where the impact of social media and the boy’s difficulties with his mental health intersect.

It becomes clear that the victim made fun of the boy. And she did it, as is so often the case now, on social media. And how she did it was subtle, speaking in the secret and nuanced language of adolescence: emojis. Tiny, seemingly harmless symbols – which turn out to convey enormous, humiliating insults. Through these emogis the girl lets it be known that the boy she is targeting is unwanted, unappealing, ugly…  and perhaps even an incel, one of those angry men who can’t get a woman to go out with them and who are resultingly furious with all women as a result. Or, as one boy in the show puts it, a virgin for life.

This is a deeply cutting insult for a boy, of course, but is it enough to lead him to murder? 

After all, teasing between adolescent boys and girls has gone on since time immemorial.

Certainly we can look to the internet for introducing kids to the overstimulation of porn and to concepts such as the incel. We can blame social media for widening the scope of teasing to include everyone in a given school, and beyond, in the larger internet community. And this obviously amplifies the impact of teasing to ever more humiliating heights – but again, is this enough to drive a thirteen-year-old to murder?

We know that this sort of teasing has driven some kids to suicidal actions – and to completed suicides.

But again, in these cases, too, is it just the teasing? And the social media advertisement of the teasing?

I think not.

In the final episodes of Adolescence, we find out some interesting things. We find that the boy in question has a problem with his anger. He can escalate to violence and when he does he can be cruel, impulsive, destructive. We find out that despite his sweet face and his obviously good intellect, once angry, he cannot calm himself down without firm limits from outside of himself. And we find out that his parents did nothing about this.

This was a boy who was allowed to sit alone in his room with the door shut to look at whatever he wanted on his computer, including, evidently, humiliating posts and reactions to his posts by the kids in his class. And this was also a boy whose obvious anger was not seen as anything more than an echo of his father’s anger, who was not helped to understand this anger and who was never provided with any help to learn how to bring himself back from it.

This was a boy like so many children, who was left largely on his own not only to deal with social media but to deal with the darkness contained in social media and with his own darkness, his own rage and his own difficulty containing it. Yes, he was egged on by social media. He was insulted by his peers publicly and he was rejected by a girl he wanted – but he was also neglected by an educational system that was obviously immune to the real needs of children and by a loving set of parents who just did not seem to know whether or how to help him.

The portrayal of this boy, as I imagine the creators of the show intended, is similar to the description of so many of our school shooters. It is the profile of so many adolescents, often boys, who go unnoticed and unhelped by ever more overburdened, underfunded and undercaring educational and mental health systems.

This is the boy who needs us. This is the boy who needs to be seen, and heard, and supported at school and through early intervention. His are the parents who also need support and guidance. And he is the boy and they are the parents we are failing.

Why Aren’t Kids More Independent?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ 4 Comments

Kids aren’t doing things independently as much as they used to. This is the thesis of a recent podcast by Screenagers founder, Delany Ruston – and I highly suggest you listen. (See below for link)

Her first premise is that kids are less independent because they spend so much time watching screens. And her second premise is that kids are less independent because of parental anxiety and the restrictions parents put on kids as a result.

Her guest on the podcast is Lenore Skenazy, author of Free Range Kids, the “terrible” mother who let her nine-year-old son ride the subway in New York City.

Well, let me just say, I rode the public bus when I was nine – and I did it because I wanted to. I also went to spend overnights with my best friend – and from the time we were about six, her mother, who didn’t like to cook, would send us to the corner store for lunch.

This was fun. This was exciting. And we didn’t get kidnapped.

But these days, when we see kids riding the bus or the subway at nine or ten and those who walk around alone or with a friend at six we think they are being neglected, possibly abused and definitely in danger.

However, Dr. Ruston said an interesting thing. She quoted a mentor of hers as having said, “People do not mature in preparation for responsibility – they mature as a result of it.”

And from my own personal experience, and as a child psychologist, I have found this to be true.

My father died when I was 14. I started to be the one to lock the doors at night, just as he had once done. I mowed the lawn, as he had done, and when I was 15, I got a job. 

I didn’t do these things because my mother yelled at me and told me I had to. I did these things because I wanted to. And doing these things actually felt good. Doing these things made me feel more confident and more able.  And when I went away to college, I felt prepared to handle myself independently.

Did my boss at work yell at me? Yes. Did she tell me I was terrible at my job? Yes. But I still enjoyed working for her and I REALLY enjoyed getting that paycheck.

Meanwhile, in my practice, I am seeing college-aged kids who don’t seem to know how to do so many things, who seem self critical, who seem to lack confidence and who seem to prefer to sit on their beds and scroll. I see college kids who need to text a parent multiple times a day. And I see college kids who, once they have an internship or a job, can’t stand a moment of criticism and feel like they have the right to push back immediately.

I think these college kids are not used to being independent. I think they feel unsure of themselves and they need to check in with parents to see if what they are doing or what they might do is OK. Often these are the kids who were driven everywhere they needed to go and who were given advice about everything they needed to do.

Of course, their parents restricted their independence out of fear. The kidnapper, the accident, the rapist lurked just around the corner. And their parents gave advice because they wanted the best for their kids. They hired the college consultant because they were unsure about whether their own judgment or their kids’ judgment about which colleges to apply to were good enough. They kept their kids from having jobs because they wanted them to get the best grades they could. They scheduled their kids with activities because this is what they thought was best for their kids.

But does constant protection and constant advice give enough room for kids to experience life for themselves, to make some mistakes, to learn how to handle a yelling boss or a bus that never comes?

I think we all know the answer.

And for the ubiquitous phenomenon of overprotected kids, over anxious kids, and over anxious parents, I, like Dr. Ruston, blame screens. But for once, I don’t blame the screens the kids are on. I think part of the blame goes to the screens the parents are on.

We know that we all receive too much news too much of the time via our phones. And we also know that we all receive an enormous amount of pseudo-news too much of the time. And we know that we keep reading this pseudo-news and we keep clicking on the clickbait even when we know we shouldn’t.

For parents, the content they consume often has to do with all the worst things that can happen to kids, and all the possible criticisms of the parents whose children suffered these terrible things.

No parent wants to be the bad parent. So an abundance of caution, a fear of criticism and genuine love for their children often keep parents from allowing their children a bit of freedom, a chance to take a walk or a bike ride with a friend, a trip on the bus or subway or train by themselves.

And this spills into other decisions – do parents let their kids go on overnights or to overnight camp? Do they let them spend time with aged relatives? With relatives who are sick? Do they let their kids attend wakes or shiva or funerals?

The worry parents experience can lead to restrictions on all sorts of experiences.

Of course, the desire to protect comes from love. But we have to ask, what does our protection lead to in terms of kids’ development?

My parents didn’t watch local news. In fact, they were busy and didn’t really watch TV at all. I’m sure they worried about my taking the bus. And yes, I later found out that my mother followed the bus on the first day and she followed me almost all the way home as I walked from the bus stop. But I didn’t know it. And I was so proud of myself for having successfully ridden the bus home! In fact, a few years later, on nice days I also started walking home from school. And it wasn’t a short walk. My older sister had done this before me and she could often be seen walking down the street while simultaneously reading a book. I wanted the same independence she had. I wanted to be like her. And even though I was six years younger than she was, my parents let me have it.

Getting a hot dog with a friend at age 6, riding the bus at age nine, losing a father at 14 – these experiences, and many more, both good and tragic, can be growth-promoting and independence-promoting experiences – at least, they were for me.

Podcast Link:

https://www.screenagersmovie.com/podcasts/raising-independent-kids?utm_source=TTT+and+Movie&utm_campaign=ed57135e64-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_TTT495&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-e0518a1e9b-160707841&mc_cid=ed57135e64&mc_eid=38d3a9d11c

What’s Up With Hook-ups?

~ corinnemasur2331 ~ Leave a comment

Hook-up culture has been around for a while. Often fueled by alcohol, these encounters avoid all the the preliminaries – the flirting, the talking, the “dates”.

Kids in their teens as well as young adults are getting drunk and having sex of one sort or another… and then ghosting each other.

But why?

And what can they possibly be getting out of this?

Delaney Ruston of “Screenagers” recently released a podcast and a blog post on this subject and she interviewed Dr. Lisa Wade, author of American Hook-up: The New Culture of Sex on Campus.

According to Wade, kids in high school and college often feel that “everyone is doing it”, referring to hooking up.

So perhaps one motivation for hook-ups is to be doing what “everybody” else is doing.

But there must be more.

Having an intimate encounter with someone can involve allowing oneself to be vulnerable. And allowing vulnerability, often leads to feelings of closeness and connection – which is something most teens want.

But teens who opt for hook-ups are getting the vulnerability and the physical closeness with none of the emotional connection.

Why opt for this?

I wonder if some teens – whether in high school or college – are avoiding something by engaging in hook-ups. I wonder if they are avoiding the anxiety of acknowledging that they like someone, taking the risk of contacting that person and actually talking with them face to face. I wonder if the anxiety and the potential for an awkward encounter – or even worse, for disappointment – is keeping some kids from trying.

But why is this more true now than ever before? Why is there even a hook-up “culture” at this point in history?

Could the isolation of COVID, combined with the usual awkwardness of adolescence and the prevalence of social media have made it harder for many adolescents to socialize face to face?

Of course, it is true that casual dating decreased during COVID. It was harder to meet people and it was harder to get together without the risk of exposure to illness. (2)

But the desire for a relationship did not decrease. This put teens in a difficult position. The longer kids were in isolation, the more many kids looked forward to the rewards of getting back to socializing and potentially finding a romantic relationship. (1)

However, hook-up culture existed pre-COVID and still exists post-COVID. So the appeal of the hook-up must transcend the loss of opportunities and the lack of social skills kids experienced as a result of COVID.

So this leaves me to speculate: I think there was always a certain amount of hooking-up. I think that kids have been having substance-fueled sex for a long, long time. But perhaps the prevalence of hook-ups now points to something more malignant.

At this point, many teens and young adults seem ill at ease with one-on-one interactions. And this is true even when it comes to the phone. Recently I read that one teen likened hearing his phone ring to being stabbed in the chest. People in this age group do not like to talk on the phone. They seem to lack confidence in their ability to hold down a one-on-one conversation. Even worse, for some, is getting together. Many kids prefer to stay on their beds. Many don’t have “friends” anymore – if they have anything, they have remote friends they talk to on social media or with whom they play video games. At best, they have “friend groups”. While sometimes they may get together one-on-one, more often the group does things together.

Something has happened to teens and young adults in regard to their ability to tolerate contact and intimacy.

And it is not just a few teens and young adults, it is many.

I suspect the advent of contact through screens has something to do with this – but perhaps not all of it. With the use of video gaming and social media, kids no longer have to leave the house to get stimulation. Now it can be had from the comfort of bed or basement. Social skills are no longer needed. And there are not nearly as many opportunities to practice what social skills a teen may have, or to make mistakes and recover, or to experiment.

I also think that one one-on-one conversations and interpersonal interactions are not demanded of teens and young adults often enough. Parents AND children spend hours each day on their phones. Even when they are together, parents are not talking to kids as much and kids are not talking to their parents as much as in previous generations.

And at school, as I wrote about in my last post, kids are on their phones at least some of the day, rather than interacting with each other. And at some schools and in some classrooms, kids use their computers rather than engaging in classroom discussion and debate.

The malignant thing I referred to earlier is not just the proliferation of screens, it is not just the aftermath of the isolation of COVID, it is our teenagers’ loss of faith in themselves as social beings.

And it is contributed to by our allowing teens to hide behind screens, stay on their beds, and avoid interpersonal interaction.

I think hook-ups, in many cases, are the workarounds that many kids have found to get to have sex and contact without having to utilize much in the way of social skills.

But hook-ups are a desperate workaround, a decidedly second-rate, often risky, and more often hurtful and disappointing way to try to get something rather than to risk what kids fear: getting nothing in the way of romance or sex.

One male student said:

“Most of the time, it’s not a fun experience. Sometimes it’s great, but more often than not, people are kind of left feeling maybe a little bit regretful, kind of embarrassed, awkward. There’s pressure to hook up, but if you don’t, you feel like you’re missing out.” He added, “If you hook up with someone and they don’t text you after, that can be pretty hurtful.” 1

This is only one student, but I suspect he speaks for many others. Hook-ups meet a basic desire for sex, but they don’t meet any of the other needs that teens have for interpersonal relatedness and connection, for affection, support, and validation.

References

1 Ruston, Delany. 2025. Is Hookup Culture Really the Norm? Feb. 18.


 Kuperberg, Arielle (2022). Dating during COVID-19: A sociologist’s perspective.


2 Breaux R, Cash AR, Lewis J, Garcia KM, Dvorsky MR, Becker SP. Impacts of COVID-19 quarantine and isolation on adolescent social functioning. Curr Opin Psychol. 2023 Aug;52:101613. Epub 2023 Jun 1. PMID: 37364468; PMCID: PMC10232930.Ki