We all have expectations of our children. We are conscious of some of these – and less conscious of others. I want to talk about several issues regarding these expectations.

First of all, expectations are neither good nor bad. They just ARE. Expectations start before conception. As soon as we think about having a baby, we imagine what that baby will be like, what they might look like, what their personality might be like, what talents and abilities they might have.

This is universal and it is normal. It is part of the process of becoming a parent. 

Often we hope for a child who will be a particular way, and have particular skills and abilities. Whether school was important for us, or whether we missed out on going to college or graduated school, we might hope for a child who is “smart” and does well in school. If we were shy as a child, we might hope for a child who is gregarious or assertive.

In one way or another, our expectations will be formed by our own values and wishes. And to the extent that they are unconscious, it is a good idea to try to become aware of them. This allows a parent to decide whether they want to act on these expectations – or to rework them.

Because our expectations WILL affect our children. 

Children naturally want to please their parents – and this is good motivation for them. But when we expect things of our children, we also want to make sure that we leave room for them to be who they are and to establish their own goals in life.

So, small expectations – like helping around the house, being kind or doing homework? That’s a definite YES.

But regarding our deeper fantasies of what we want them to be as people? We need to ask ourselves if these are reasonable. For example, if we expect our children to get all A’s, what happens if they turn out to have a learning disability? What happens if reading or math just doesn’t come easily for them? How will they feel about themselves when they come home with B’s or C’s…or worse?

Will we be disappointed? And will they pick up on that disappointment? And what will this do to their motivation? Will they try harder? Or give up? Will they feel badly about themselves? Less confident?

For a while, everyone was talking about Oscar winning actress, Bri Larson’s YouTube content. She said, famously, “my job is 98% failure”. She talked about how many times she was turned down for parts in TV and movies before she got anything significant at all. 

Perhaps we need to think less about what we want out of our children and more about how to help them to be more like Bri Larson. Perhaps we need to think less about our own wishes for their success, and instead, help them to learn how to fail – and to survive through failure. Because, after all, Bri Larson is right. Life is full of little failures. And, if our children are to be successful, we have help them to learn to keep trying, and not let individual failures define who they are.

Perhaps it is more helpful as a parent to think about how we are going to talk to our children when they don’t get an A or when they don’t make the team or get the part in the school play. All children experience these disappointments and all children feel badly about them. 

Here are some things you can do as a parent:

1. Make goals small. Starting in infancy, when your baby is trying to learn something new, encourage them. But also, watch out if you notice yourself comparing what your baby is doing to what other babies are doing.

2. Concentrate on your own child. Stay in the moment with your own baby. Stay with them where they are.

3. Make your goals small for your child. Help them to accomplish tiny milestones; for example, an extra minute of tummy time, one new word, one spoonful of a new food.

4. Help build frustration tolerance. The famous psychoanalyst, Heinz Kohut, coined the term “optimal frustration”. He talked about how important it is for people to learn to tolerate some frustration – not so much that they feel like giving up – but enough that they feel challenged. When your baby or your child gets frustrated, whether it’s building a tower that won’t stay up, or learning the letter B, just tell them, “It’s hard. But it’s OK. We’ll try again later.” Build in the idea that some things are difficult but you can take a break…and then keep trying later….after you’re done being frustrated.

5. Check your own expectations. As children get older, keep checking your expectations, keep setting your goals small and keep helping your child to keep their goals small. For some kids, a more appropriate expectation than getting all A’s is establishing longer and longer periods of doing homework. For a child who can’t sit still for an hour, success means doing 20 minutes of homework when they only used to be able to do five.

6. Normalize failure. Tell your child your own stories of failure. Tell them how you reacted. Tell them about Larson and what she said and how she persevered through lots and lots of failure.

7. Talk to your children. Talk about how hard it is to not get what you want or to succeed in the way they want. Talk to them about frustrated feelings and how hard they are. Encourage them to take breaks when they are frustrated with a math problem or with their average when shooting baskets. Encourage them to come back to the activity later when they feel less tired and frustrated.

We want our children to learn how to live in the real world and to endure both the downs and the ups of life. It is important that we think about how to best do this — and how our own expectations may play a part in how our children do or do not “succeed” and ultimately feel about themselves as people.