We all know—or had—an older or oldest sister, or we are one, or we have a child who is one, and we know what that looks like: bossy, rule-bound, impatient, controlling, perfectionistic, stubborn, a general know-it-all who needs to be right.

These people can be annoying, even infuriating.

And to be one can be painful.

The oldest sister who tries to control her younger siblings, and then later in life, tries to control others, can be difficult to be around. No one really wants to be bossed, controlled, or to be told they’re wrong. And the superior attitude? Not fun.

At the same time, it is important to remember that the oldest sister may be suffering. She can experience a great deal of internal pressure feeling that she has to be “good,” or that she has to go by the rules and be helpful—and she may feel these are her only ways to get approval.

These traits may be annoying to others but at the same time it is also true that being an older or oldest sister may bring with it some positive attributes. Often oldest sisters have real leadership ability, a strong drive for success, a heightened sense of justice and fairness, and they may be both responsible and conscientious

These are generalities – and one may well wonder: are they true? Does being the oldest girl in the family actually lead to developing these characteristics? Is this a real thing? Is it an actual diagnosis? And has it been written about in the professional mental health literature?

Well, there is no diagnosis called “Oldest Sister Syndrome,” but it has been written about.

Alfred Adler wrote about birth order as long ago as the early 1920s. He believed that social influences were the main determinants of personality and said that children are significantly influenced by their position in the birth order of the family. He believed that a child’s position could affect their perception of themselves and their interactions in the world.

Interestingly, Adler’s own life story may have contributed to his theory. He had been a sickly child who suffered from rickets, while his older brother (the oldest child in a family with seven children) was healthy. Adler recalled an early memory of watching his older brother capering on the beach with ease and feeling intensely jealous of him, inferior to him physically, and rivalrous with him.

Adler later went on to write about the characteristics of each birth order position. He said that the oldest child initially receives all of the parental attention, and then feels “dethroned” when the second child is born, forced to share their parents’ attention with the new baby, and resultingly feeling resentment and hostility toward the younger child – and any that come along subsequently.

Others have written about eldest-daughter syndrome as well. One article described how eldest girls often feel angry about about being asked to help with younger siblings, and how some even say that their childhoods were stolen from them as a result of the added burden of helping to care for the younger children. Sharing is often hard for them. They are prone to feeling that they have gotten less, or that they have been cheated. They often feel that the younger children in the family get “more” than they do. Competition can become a lifelong theme, with oldest daughters repeatedly needing to “win” or achieve in order to get the praise they feel they need. This may repeat a childhood pattern where they either sought or actually received praise for helping out or being more mature than their younger siblings.

And what’s more, oldest girls, and oldest children in general, are raised by parents who are less experienced than subsequent children. Often first time parents are not as aware of how to manage an infant than they are with their second and third babies. And oldest children are often scrutinized more by the parents than later children. Every little thing they do is watched and worried about. It is possible that in some cases, this can result in their feeling both especially important – and especially judged – and lead to a feeling of needing to do things the “right” way.

You may recognize these characteristics if you are an oldest sister, or if you had one. And if you are the parent to one, here are some things you can do to help:

• Make a point of being aware of who your oldest daughter is as a person, not just as your helper. Make sure you tell her what you like about her as a person. Let her know that you see and appreciate her as an individual, not just for the help she gives you or for the things she does. You do not want her to feel that her ability to help is the one good thing about her and you do not want her identity to become just that of a “helper”. If she is artistic, notice this and comment on her work in a positive way. If she likes to read, notice this and comment on how much you like this about her. Keep the comments about her as an individual going through her teen years.
• This does not mean you should not ask her to help you. Having children help out at home is a part of daily life—and it is a good part. They learn that things are expected of them and that they can make meaningful contributions to family life. But when your daughter helps you, acknowledge this and thank her.
• Encourage positive interactions between your daughter and her siblings. Praise her if she is loving or playful with her sibs. And if she tends to be negative with them, show her how to be nice. No lectures—just model for her how to be kind to them and notice when she does so.
• Occasionally, do something alone with your oldest daughter. You do not have to call this “special” time, just make a point of doing it now and then and telling her how much you enjoy spending time just with her.
• Occasionally bring up recollections of what it was like when she was your only baby.
• An oldest girl can feel preempted by her siblings. She can feel that life is unfair and that the younger ones get more than she does. Remind her that when she was a baby, you did all the same things for her that you are doing for your younger children. Tell her stories about what it was like when she was a baby and what you used to do for and with her.
• And, perhaps most importantly, talk to your daughter about her feelings – not in a punitive way, but in an understanding way. If you notice her being mean to her younger siblings or being particularly competitive with them, take her aside and talk to her about how hard it can be to be an oldest child, and how infuriating her siblings can be for her. If you were in that position or if you know others who were, tell her a story about the feelings that can be involved. Help her to understand her own feelings and help her to work on them.

And good luck with helping your oldest girl. It’s not easy being an older sister!