Dr. Corinne Masur

We all want love and gratification from those who care for us – and this is particularly true of children.

But from their earliest moments of life, babies and kids must learn to put up with delays in getting what they want, mood changes in those they love and all sorts of other disappointments in relationships with parents, siblings, and friends.

But not so much with pets.

Pets provide a unique opportunity for a child to love and be loved.

Pet give love unconditionally. And if they don’t, because they are a lizard or a frog, the child can imagine that they do. And pets are there all the time. They are there if the child is sad, or angry or if the child fees lonely or misunderstood. The child can talk to the pet, cry with the pet, yell at the pet or even give the pet a little shove. According to some children, pets are better than siblings.

With pets, the child has more control over the relationship. This can be comforting because of the implicit guarantee of stability. A pet does not turn a cold shoulder (well, on second thought, maybe some cats DO…) nor does it choose to leave the relationship. A pet does not criticize (or if so, rarely). It stays at home, with the child and it does whatever it does at the bidding of the child (at least some of the time).

In moments of hardship and sorrow, children sometimes feel that their pet understands their feelings. They often feel that their pet is the only one who truly understands and is “there” for them. There is a large element of projection here, but none-the-less, the feeling for the child is real.

And pets teach kids about love. Kids learn what it is to feel deeply for someone who is not a parent or a brother or sister. They learn about what kind of care another creature needs (even if they don’t always do what needs to be done).

But there’s more: researchers who studied the subject found that the mere presence of a family pet during childhood can increase emotional expression and control in children,[1] and other research shows that even brief interactions with dogs can lower stress levels in children.[2]. Moreover, studies have found that attachment to pets can promote healthy social development, social competence, increased social interaction, improved social communication, and social play in children[3]

And also, kids learn about loss from their pets.

Most animals live much shorter lives than we do – and inevitably, during the child’s life, the life of their pet comes to an end. Children may be shocked when this happens; they may be sad or angry or upset in any of a number of ways. But this kind of loss can be useful preparation for later, more profound losses.

Recently, The New York Times published a story called, “Walnut and Me”, a first person account of the relationship between a man and his dog. It was very personal and completely heartfelt. In describing his first dog, Sam Anderson, the author of the article said, “I loved him so deeply that I became a vegetarian – my affection for this little dog radiated out to the whole rest of the animal kingdom”. But then, he says, that love turned to pain. At 12, his beloved dog got cancer, wasted away and died. The first night in bed without him, Sam reached out – and broke down sobbing when he did not feel him there. Anderson was also angry. He wrote, “I wanted to burn down the universe. I either wanted Moby back…or I wanted nothing”.

And Anderson also talks about the importance of the next animals the family had, a hamster and another dog, to his teenage daughter. He even includes his daughter’s graduation picture in the article – in which she wears her cap and gown and is holding their dog, who is looking up at her adoringly.

The kind of love a pet can provide is a rare commodity. It is valuable. It is painful when it ends – but it is comforting and healing while it lasts. And it is important.

So – when you get tired of walking the dog – or feeding the iguana – remember, you are doing a good thing for your children by letting them have that pet.

References

1. Sato, R., Fujiwara, T., Kino, S., Nawa, N., & Kawachi, I. (2019). Pet Ownership and Children’s Emotional Expression: Propensity Score-Matched Analysis of Longitudinal Data from Japan. International journal of environmental research and public health, 16(5), 758.

2. Crossman, M. K., Kazdin, A. E., & Knudson, K. (2015). Brief unstructured interaction with a dog reduces distress. Anthrozoös, 28(4), 649-659.

3. Purewal, R., Christley, R., Kordas, K., Joinson, C., Meints, K., Gee, N., & Westgarth, C. (2017). Companion animals and child/adolescent development: a systematic review of the evidence. International journal of environmental research and public health, 14(3), 234.

Anderson, Sam. Walnut and Me: How my dog helped me to accept that someday we all will die. New York Times Magazine Section, June 2, 2024.